Instruction Manual

Please read carefully…

Congratulations on your purchase of the device from one of our many fine dealers! We do not yet offer the product in the regular chain stores, so your purchase must have taken place through the many new and wonderful franchises now growing and thriving across the nation, soon around the world. We thank you for your interest.

As you inspect the device, it is necessary to remind you one more time that once you decide to use it, it is a one-time deal. No money back guarantee is offered on a used device, unless you decide to use it and nothing at all happens. We only guarantee that something will happen once the device is activated. After many tests and reviews of the functions of the system, the product will work when used.

We must add the following note: the device will work properly when used for the purpose for which it was made. The company is aware that there are many of you who have somehow obtained the device through illegal means, and have decided to not use it for the stated reasons on the box. The device has been created for you to open, use and then await the results.

As you can see, the instructions are very clear. The device does have only the one button and you, as an owner, simply need to press it. The grill on the back should not be removed under any circumstances. The discovery of such tampering by an owner will lead to an immediate forfeiture on our part, and we will not be held responsible for the damage done in an attempt to experiment with the construction of the device.

We use the word “experiment” carefully here. As noted earlier, the company is aware of all the tampering and other “experiments” that have taken place with the device. As we remind you, once again, please use the device as ordered.

We must mention a particular case (legal issues pending): the Jennifer Moss incident. As was clear from the details of the court case, Ms. Moss and her staff were wrong to accuse us of making false claims for the product. She had attempted to tamper with the apparatus, allowed herself to become injured while doing so, and suffered from extensive damage to her skin and nervous system. Over many long weeks, the court case became a cause célèbre for many who feel that our organization has too much power, too much money, and far too much control over this one piece of technology. We have never discouraged competition and have encouraged innovation, change and the fair process of allowing all outcomes to be encouraged. The future looks bright for all of us!

Now, a further note on what to expect:

Once you have pressed the button, you have already begun to feel the particular effects of the device. A small twinge in the skin is usually the most common sensation. Many who have experimented with cannabis in its capsule or edible form claim that the sensations are exactly the same (be sure not to make such a comparison in a region where the drug is still prohibited for distribution and consumption; safety is key). The button itself is designed from several micro needles that will leave no traceable scars or blood loss. It will be brief and comfortable.

You will then move on to the next stage where an overwhelming heaviness will reach your legs and arms. There are some disagreements over how long this part of the process takes. For many of the older populace, an hour is all that is needed to reach this physical sensation. Many of our younger clientele claim that they can last over two to three hours before becoming staggered with the weight of their limbs. We do recommend finding a comfortable and private space within your own home or community before reaching this stage. Miss Jennifer Moss and her staff were rather careless in using the device in their office, and the consequences were quite clear.

As your limbs relax, the rest of your body will also acquire a certain amount of heaviness, and you will be tempted to fight against this. Please remember that every purchase is made with the idea that you have chosen to do this and that we are not responsible for any last-minute changes of heart and mind. Your own heart and mind will still be functioning perfectly well, and there should be no fears or concerns when your ears and eyes also become heavy and distinctly unusable. You do know why the device was purchased at this point.

Finally, there is the last stage and the great beginning of a very long journey. We do not like terms such as “coma” or “prolonged sleep” at this point. Remember that we are all a part of this great experiment to help mankind find a way to prolong life while making the world a little bit more livable. Representatives of the government have already been alerted at the possible change in your life status by the purchase of the box; the confirmation will be when the button makes contact with your essence.

And we are legally obligated to include this:

If you decide not to press the button, your money and social status will be completely and totally refunded to you. This offer is null and void in societies without a main office, or regions where the gross domestic product is far too low for any such purchase to have been made. Ms. Moss and her team could have tried to settle the matter through the proper channels but instead made a game out of their situation, and they lost.

Please keep these thoughts in mind.

And finally, good luck! We know that this device has become one of our top-sellers, despite the bad press, protests, riots, government debates and other outrages perpetrated against us online and in the public sphere. Word of mouth has kept us quite busy for the last decade, and we have no desire or interest in closing down our offices and settling for regrets over a missed opportunity. This is the chance of a lifetime for all of us.

No regrets.