Cherry Blossoms

Dear Sakai,

Hi. It’s me, Miki. I’ve decided to start a journal. I need somewhere to organize my thoughts. Somewhere I can control. Because it feels like my world is collapsing around me.

Okāsan is sad today. I want to make it better, but I don’t know how. You’re always so good at those things. You would be able to sit with her, and talk to her, and make her smile. I wish I knew how. I wish I had asked you to teach me, before you left. Why couldn’t you have chosen to go to a college in California, where you would be near me? I would come and visit you every week. Connecticut is so far away.

I suppose I’m being selfish. I know Yale has always been your dream. Do you remember when you got your acceptance letter? How it was Saturday morning, and I went to get the mail, and how I ran inside to give it to you? How I was in such a rush that I knocked over that big urn by the door? And how Otōsan pretended to be mad, and yelled my whole name “Miki Tsukamoto Takara!” and Okāsan laughed. I miss the laughter in our house. And remember how you held the envelope? How you went up to your room with it, and we all waited downstairs? And do you remember how you shrieked? How you came flying down the steps, squealing and laughing and shouting “I got in! I got in!”

I love you Sakai. And I miss you every day.

Your little sister,

Miki

Dear Sakai,

It’s the last week of summer. I guess that means I’ll be starting school soon. I wish you were here to help me get ready. We used to go back to school shopping together, because Otōsan always was too busy, and Okāsan didn’t like to speak to all the store clerks. She always said it felt like they were judging her for her accent and broken English. Now I take BART and go shopping alone. All my friends aren’t back in San Francisco yet. Amara went to stay with her grandparents in Miami, Hayley went to a musical theater summer camp, and Skylar’s off doing some dance thing in New York. It’s lonely, even though I’m surrounded by people.

I’m helping out at home, like I promised you before you left. You pulled me aside, and made sure I would be good for our parents. You told me that Otōsan already has so much work to do. That he works so hard to support our family. That I have to be good in school so that Okāsan wouldn’t have to worry about me. You’re always so thoughtful. I hope I’ll think about other people like you do someday.

Your loving sister,

Miki

Dear Sakai,

Otōsan and Okāsan are fighting again. I heard angry voices from my room, and when I came into the kitchen, everything was so quiet. Not that nice, comfortable kind of quiet, where everything is at peace. No. The kind of quiet that feels heavy and thick, but at the same time, so fragile, like it’s just about to break. And nobody would look at each other, and I could tell they were trying to act normal for me, but it wasn’t the same.

They never used to fight before. I thought I was being good for them, like you told me to, but maybe I’m not good enough. I need you, Sakai. I need you to come home and be with me. I can’t handle all of this on my own. If you were here, everything would be OK. You always know what to do.

Your worried sister,

Miki

Dear Sakai,

School has started. I have Ms. Rosa for English. She’s one of my favorite teachers. Every time we turn in an essay, she gives us personal comments. You had her when you were in eighth grade, didn’t you? I think I remember you liking her. Anyway, I tested into the advanced math class. Are you proud of me? Math has always been my best subject, besides art. I wish you were here, so we could go get ice cream to celebrate. Remember how we would always go to Cherry on Top? You would tease me for getting the same thing every time, and I would tease you back for getting something new and not liking it.

I guess you’ve always been the adventurous one. I like traditions, and you loved to try everything you could. You always said you wanted to get out into the world and soak up the universe. I would always reply that I was happy right where we are. You and me, sitting side by side in the sun. It felt like forever.

Your sister,

Miki

Dear Sakai,

We got assigned an art project today. I have an idea of what to do, but I don’t want it to be sad. I don’t want to draw something that makes everyone feel sorry for me. I just want to create something close to my heart. I guess it’ll be a surprise. Maybe if I make something good enough, it will help us to heal our family.

Always,

Miki

Dear Sakai,

Today was a good day. I finished all my homework early, and I had time to talk to Okāsan. She tells me stories about when she was my age, living in Japan. I never got to meet any of our family over there. I know you did, when I wasn’t born yet. She said that there are cherry blossoms that bloom only one week every year. And that on that week, everyone goes outside, and has picnics and and takes walks to enjoy them. I love the idea that when something beautiful comes around, everybody stops to witness it. And that beauty doesn’t last forever. I think that’s part of what makes it so beautiful.

Maybe someday I’ll go and see the cherry blossoms in Japan. I want to be there during that week. Because if you happen to be around when something amazing happens, especially if it isn’t permanent, you really are the best kind of lucky.

Yours,

Miki

Dear Sakai,

You were always the one going on adventures. I thought I was content where I was, but I think I went on adventures in my head. I’ve always had my imagination. I guess that’s why I like imagining writing letters to you.

I remember when you called home. You were almost finished with your second year of college. It was during dinner. Otōsan picked up the phone, and started to put you on speaker so that we could all talk to you. But then you said something, and he stopped.

I didn’t think anything of it. Not when he said he had to take the call. Not when he went into the kitchen. Not even when he came back and got Okāsan. Not until they came back to the table. Otōsan was pale. Okāsan’s eyes were red and her hand shook as she handed me the phone.

I think you tried to soften the blow. I think you tried to tell me as gently as you possibly could. It’s just like you to do that. You were always thinking about other people before yourself.

But I only heard one word. Leukemia. Over and over, ringing in my ears.

It happened so fast. You had so many treatments. Soon you stayed in the hospital full time. It took another month before the doctors lost hope.

We came to say goodbye. I’ve never cried so much in my life. You didn’t look like Sakai anymore. You were small and pale and weak. There were all these tubes and needles sticking out of you. I stayed with you all night, do you remember that? I wouldn’t go home for days. Then, one day, you fell asleep and never woke up. Just like that, you were gone.

All my love,

Miki

Dear Sakai,

I’ve finished my art project. I thought that when I looked at it I’d feel sad, but I don’t. Not anymore. It’s not that I don’t miss you with everything I have. But I know you want me to be happy. You want me to do all the things you never had time to do.

Do you know what my painting is? It’s of you. You have your head thrown back, laughing. That’s how I remember you best. And all around you are cherry blossoms. Every single one of them is in full bloom. Because you were like the cherry blossoms. You didn’t last forever, but you were beautiful. And I was lucky enough to be there to see you.

Your little sister,

Miki