Things Could Be Worse

"What were you thinking when you asked to meet me in this place?"

"Look around, Dee."

"At what? A nearly empty diner serving burnt coffee? Look at those poor desiccated plants in the window. They mended these pleather booths with duct tape, and they could at least use red to match. I don't think this place has changed since the fifties, and they're so far out of date that they're back in again!"

"Ignore all that. At least there are no TVs blaring sports from all sides. And people are having an actual conversation."

"Yeah, all four of us."

"Five if you count the waitress."

"She's not talking, and you're supposed to say, "server" now."

"That sounds too much like a servant. I think they made a lateral move with that one. Now, what's wrong with your coffee? Too burnt?"

"No, something is swimming in it. Lord!"

"Dee, I wanted to meet you somewhere without many people around. You know how I hate crowds."

"You nailed it, Sis. Wait, don't cry! It's not that bad. Here, wipe your tears and tell me what's going on? You've been avoiding me. You don't call, and when I phone, you never answer. What did I do this time? Is it because I wore jeans to Ned's funeral? I didn't have time to change. At least I was there, unlike his kids."

"Why do they overfill these damn napkin dispensers? Great, now I have a whole wad of them."

"Here, take this, Jan."

"A cloth hanky? Does this lunch have a theme? Vintage or something? I can't use this. I'll get snot and mascara all over it! And who is Violet?"

"I don't know. Mom collected them. She kept giving me money when I helped her after her knee replacement. She's sneaky, though; she put a hundred-dollar bill in my bra!"

"What?"

"I wasn't wearing it, silly. Anyway, she insisted I take a box of heirlooms, so I took the lightest one, full of hankies! They're not even our family's heirlooms."

"I'll keep it in my purse. It's too pretty to use. Why are you laughing?"

"Go ahead and use it! I give one away every chance I get, and it's better than letting them die in a box or a dumpster. You should see the expression on young people like I gave them a dragon scale or something. They ask me what it is, and I just say, 'Google it. Maybe hankies will come back into style if someone posts it on their phone, Saving Trees!"

"Get serious, Dee."

"Sorry. "

"So what are you crying about now? Did you learn about the Oxford Comma?"

"What about it?"

"Nevermind. Tell me, what's happening? You catastrophize everything. That's why Mom wanted me to help her after surgery, and you had her dead and buried before she even entered the hospital."

"Catasto… what? Dee, Mom's seventy-five, and that's too old to have elective surgery and dangerous."

"She's playing golf again."

"Hey. Are you ladies ready to order? What's wrong with the coffee?"

"There's something doing laps in it, or was, it's dead now."

"Ya' want me to get you a fresh cup?"

"No! Thank you."

"On the house?"

"No, we'll each have a cup of soup, and I'll pay now. Here, keep the change."

"Wow, Excellent!"

"You're welcome."

"Dee, a twenty! Why soup?"

"You don't have to whisper; she's gone. There are hardly any customers here, and she might need gas money to get home. I was a waitress long ago, I mean server. And soup is likely boiled for hours or from a can, so safer. We can't sit here without ordering, and we don't have to eat it. Now, what the hell has you so upset?!"

"I know I keep putting this off. But I'm not supposed to tell you, but if I don't tell someone, I'll explode."

"What? What aren't you supposed to tell me?"

"My lawyer said not to tell anyone."

"Lawyer?"

"She said they could summon anyone who knew, and they'd have to testify under oath. It's complicated."

"Summoned?! Did you rob a bank?"

"Of course not! I'm divorcing Bob! There, I said it!"

"Stop whispering. Divorce?! I don't believe you. Even so, it's not a murder trial. Why the secrecy? Is Bob a spy or something?"

"No. It's worse, at least for me. Do you remember when I told you that Bob always bought clothes for me in XL sizes? I thought he saw me as fat?"

"You're a size ten, and you're not fat. A ten is perfect in real life."

"He bought sixteens, sometimes eighteens!"

"That's hardly grounds for divorce, Jan."

"You don't understand. Bob bought them for himself! He... he's a … cross-dresser."

"No! Are you sure? That means he wears…."

"Yes, he wears dresses and makeup and wigs!"

"Oh, my."

"Why are you so blase' about this?"

"Dee, there are so many worse things, and this doesn't seem that bad. How did you find out? Did Bob tell you?"

"No. Do you remember when I'd go on a trip without him, and he'd ask me to call before I came home? He said it was so he could help me if the car broke down."

"Yeah, I always considered it sweet. Kinda weird but sweet. So what happened?"

"I was going to visit Mom when her Garden Club awarded her the Best Rose Grower ribbon, but the weather changed, and they canceled my flight."

"I know. Mom wondered why you hadn't called her. She said she tried your number, then Bob's, but got no answer. So I called, and you said you were fine, just busy."

"I was too mortified and upset to talk to anyone. Anyway, I drove home from the airport and forgot to phone Bob first, and when I walked in, there he was in all his glory. Or I should say my glory."

"Oh boy."

"What happens now? I have no marketable skills, and working part-time at the florist won't be enough? Can we still say, florist: or is it floral engineer now?"

"I'm without a clue. Pronouns confuse me recently, and I learned the hard way that we're supposed to get permission before we hug someone, so I just gave hugging up, and now some of my friends think I have covid. Let's get back to your… um.… situation. I can help you financially, and you'll get Social Security in a few years."

"That's cold comfort."

"If I squint my eyes, I can almost picture him now. He always reminded me of David Bowie, only with dark hair. So handsome and clean-shaven. Ohhhh, I get it, all that shaving for the makeup."

"Well, he just about gave me a heart attack that night. I didn't even recognize him in a blonde wig and that Teal dress he gave me for my birthday."

"Here, take another hanky."

"Thanks. He says he still loves me and begged me not to divorce him. But I wonder what else he hasn't told me? Is he gay? Is there another woman? Or a man? And how in hell can we have any conversation without pronouns?"

"Dee, sweetie, I'm pretty sure this is his only secret. Tell me, would you have married him if you had known? He was probably terrified you'd dump him."

"We were so young, and I was still dragging around all that Catholic guilt, so no, I wouldn't have, fearing hell and damnation."

"Imagine how much guilt Bob dragged all these years. You've been through so much together. I hate to bring this up, but your miscarriages, then learning you might never carry a baby to term. He said he was relieved you quit trying because he didn't want you to go through that again. And regarding your breast cancer treatments, he was very supportive, taking two months' leave to care for you. When he told me about your diagnosis, he cried. No, actually, he sobbed! That man doted on you."

"Doted isn't a strong enough word. 'Did you take your meds' 'Want some water? Juice?' 'Are you warm enough?' I couldn't get a moment's rest. Then he tried to cook for me, which was worse than chemo. He made a cake from scratch, and it took him hours, and the kitchen looked like someone turned it over and shook it."

"But he cleaned it up, right? How was the cake?"

"He forgot the sugar."

"See, you're smiling. Remember when we were kids, how you loved Adam Ant? You must have watched that Dandy Highwayman video a thousand times. And Boy George, too, you said they looked sexy with makeup. Everything will be fine. Consider it a year-round Halloween. "

"Bob's not a rock star. He's an accountant. "

"So, are there any other reasons for leaving him? Does he hit you, call you names, take your money and spend it on other women?"

"Of course not! Why would you think that?"

"This isn't about me. Sis, it's unfair for you to ask him to stop being his true self. You can work something out. Imagine what he's been through, worrying for decades that you'd find out. Ponder all the possibilities before you throw what you have away."

"I guess so, now that you put it that way. I wish I could be more like you, so open-minded and positive."

"Well, Sis, three divorces taught me more than a few things."