Poodle

Sunny Rain Wilkins despised contradictions. Most would say it began with her name, but Sunny always felt her dislike of the logically incongruous to be something more intrinsic. Sure, her mom could have done her a favor and picked a more sensible name, if not at least one more harmonious. Something like Sunny Ray Wilkins perhaps. Whatever the reason, the fact remained: Sunny Rain Wilkins was her name. She lived a sensical, ordered life. She kept a strict schedule from her five am wake up call, work morning or not, to evening meditation before bed. Sunny applied this regimented mindset on a larger scale as well. Currently twenty-eight years old, she planned to be married by thirty with kids by thirty two. To this end, Sunny diligently pursued dating like a doctoral candidate with a thesis. It was a task that simply must be done, and while the process might be painful the end result would be well worth it. This rigorous approach had yet to yield results, though her latest conquest was proving quite precocious. Brent, her current test subject, met an unprecedented nine out of ten compulsory criteria, and sixty percent of her auxiliary criteria. Yes, he was proving quite suitable. Their fifth date was tomorrow and, based on her system, Brent was due to enter her home for the first time. It was time, she hoped, for her carefully laid plans to yield results.

It was a dreary Friday and Sunny sat eating a meticulously prepared salmon quinoa salad in the break room of the corporate accounting firm she worked for. She contemplated her upcoming date night like a geometric proof. Experience had taught her to keep her emotions carefully guarded. A few colleagues entered the room. After exchanging pleasantries, they commenced conversation without Sunny, which didn't bother her in the least. She mentally reviewed her schedule for the remainder of the day until an interesting topic arose. 

     "I just don't know how we'll get on when we move in together," Heather bemoaned, "I'm so used to living alone. I have my routine and who knows what annoying habits he might be hiding." For all her planning, Sunny had never considered this. She'd always assumed she could fold a man into her life like a pair of perfectly pleated pants over a hanger. 

     "Maybe you should get a dog first. Milo is sweet as can be, but he is unpredictable and annoying at times. It definitely prepared me for Ben moving in, and they say it's great practice for kids, too," Mary Ann advised with an air of infinite wisdom. 

     Sunny drummed her fingers on the table, ignoring Heather's response as she considered her predicament. Yes, Mary Ann might be right. She was woefully unprepared despite all her plans. She'd need to prepare a cost analysis, spreadsheet of pros and cons, and a revised daily schedule, but this was feasible. She could get a pet. Sunny hurriedly finished her lunch and headed to her desk.

By quitting time, Sunny felt marginally ready for the next step of her process: dog ownership. She decided a poodle would be best as they didn't shed. Sunny already vacuumed twice daily and there just was not time in her schedule to accommodate a third cleaning. The future pet was already spreading her time thin. She really needed to hone her time management skills to fit a husband into her life. Sunny headed for the door, pausing to check the message board on the way. A large, bold heading immediately caught her eye "POODLE, FREE TO A GOOD HOME. EVERYTHING INCLUDED". "How serendipitous," she murmured. Her fingers didn't hesitate as they dialed the number on the sheet. "Hello?" a frazzled, female voice answered. 

     "Good evening. My name is Sunny. I saw your posting at Smith Accounting downtown regarding the poodle available for adoption." 

     "Oh, yes, praise the Lord. We need poodle gone ASAP. When can you come look at him? I'm Barb, by the way. My husband works in the legal department." 

     "I actually can come this evening," Sunny replied. 

     "Perfect, here's our address," Barb rattled off a street in a suburb across town.  Sunny frowned. It would be an extra thirty minutes driving one way, but she needed to learn to adjust her schedule for someone else. That was the point, after all. So, Sunny Rain Wilkins jumped in her sensible sedan and headed across town.

The house was a tidy colonial in an established neighborhood. Snow covered the armada of children's toys scattered across the lawn. Sunny sniffed. Her children would be much neater. She rang the doorbell and a thundering herd raced to greet her. A tow headed little boy threw the door open and stared at her as three more children assembled behind him, one crawling up at an astonishing speed. Sunny estimated not one of them was over five years old, which explained the haggard appearance of the woman following. She scolded the brood, "How many times have I told you not to answer the door? I assume you're Sunny?  Teddy, go get Poodle." The oldest boy raced off as Sunny extended her hand to Barb, 

     "Thanks for letting me come by on such short notice." 

     Barb snorted, "Are you kidding? You're doing me the favor. I've been trying to get rid of him for two years." Sunny was formulating a response when Teddy reappeared and all logical thought fled her brain. "Wait! What is THAT!" Sunny erupted

     Barb had the audacity to look confused, "That's Poodle." 

     "That's not a poodle. That's a dragon or something!" Sunny exclaimed, backing away slowly. 

     Now Barb really looked confused, "It's an iguana. What were you expecting?" 

     Sunny brandished the paper advertisement at her, "A POODLE!" 

     Understanding then exasperation crossed the mom's face. "PHIL! Get your lazy ass up here."      

     "Swear jar, Mommy," a little slip of a girl reprimanded. 

     Barb rolled her eyes at Sunny and handed the toddler a quarter, "You'd swear too if you had four under five and Phil for a husband."   

      Phil from legal, Sunny thought, the situation     suddenly crystal clear. "I'm surprised it's not a snake with him involved," Sunny muttered, then gasped as she realized she'd spoken aloud. 

     Barb just nodded sagely, "I agree." Sunny considered running for the car but Barb sighed, "I'm sorry for the deception. I printed a very informative ad with a picture but I guess Phil took things into his own hands. He knows how badly I want that thing gone." 

     Sunny examined the creature perched on the boy's shoulder. It looked clean enough and there was certainly no hair to shed, but it was quite large, at least three feet long. 

     "It's fine. You obviously had no role in intentionally misleading me. How exactly did it get that name?" 

     Barb laughed, "Teddy here was three when our neighbor moved to Japan and left him with us. Teddy wanted a dog and started calling him Poodle. It just stuck. Phil's fond of the lizard but I finally told him it's the iguana or me. I already have a menagerie to manage without it." Barb looked over her shoulder, "Coward must be hiding in the basement." 

     Sunny couldn't believe the situation she'd gotten herself into. This was not at all what she'd had in mind. Looking at Barb, she realized two things. First, taking the animal could count as her philanthropy for the month. Second, if she walked away it defied the point of the exercise. She would learn to roll with the punches. Sunny squared her shoulders, "I'll take him." 

     Barb looked like she was about to weep "Oh God, you are an angel. PHIL! Your slimy plan worked. Now get your ass up here and move the crate to this poor woman's car!" Barb thrust a quarter into her daughter's outstretched hand as Phil finally appeared with a monstrous cage. It had to be six feet tall and four feet square. Sunny felt ill as a leash was shoved into her hand and a pamphlet on the diet of green iguanas. Barb gleefully supervised as Phil and Sunny finagled the cage into her backseat. Teddy handed her Poodle and Barb shooed her family in a hasty retreat. As the front door slammed shut, Sunny looked the scaly green creature in the eye. "Poodle, my ass." She chucked a quarter at the front door and headed for her car, a four foot iguana riding on her shoulder.

Sunny approached her current predicament like any other, with logic. She opened her laptop and after thorough research decided a green iguana would indeed be an easier pet than a dog. Perhaps this snafu would work out in her favor. The behemoth of a cage did detract from the symmetry of her living room, but surely she could adjust. Poodle seemed content lazing around his heat lamp while Sunny cleaned and made dinner. She actually found it reassuring to have another living being to talk to as she worked. As Sunny meditated and prepared for bed, she felt quite positive about everything. Now she could move on to mentally preparing for her fifth date with nearly perfect Brent. A nice charcuterie board and wine sampling in front of a crackling fire would be the ideal introduction to her home. She'd even make her noted creme brulee. Yes, Sunny decided as she drifted off to sleep to the ringing of wedding bells, her plans seemed to be coming together nicely.

Sunny bounced out of bed at 5 am, commencing her day with the usual energy but an unusual amount of cheer. She flowed through a yoga routine and practically floated through her run. It wasn't even a hassle to incorporate Poodle's food into her morning routine. Sunny danced as she vacuumed and shimmied as she prepped the food. Poodle just slept and watched her silently, apparently enjoying his new life. She'd read iguanas could be quite alert but Poodle seemed very docile. When Brent rang the doorbell at promptly 5 pm, right on time of course, Sunny felt positively buoyant. This sentiment was reinforced by the stunning bouquet and chaste kiss he bestowed upon her. She sighed internally, what a perfect gentleman. "I didn't peg you for a lizard person." Brent went out on a limb.

     Sunny laughed, "Oh, I'm not. It's actually a quite funny story. Would you mind stoking the fire while I grab the food? I'll tell you all about it." Brent regarded the cage warily as he headed for the fireplace, "That is one big iguana." 

     Sunny laid out the appetizers and wine, pleased when it looked as romantic as envisioned. "Yes, he certainly is," she replied, then regaled him with the full tale. Brent was appropriately shocked and amused by the time she finished, and the food was gone. "Come into the kitchen while I finish the creme brulee." 

   He hummed in approval, "My favorite. How did you know?" Sunny blushed as she grabbed the propane torch. She torched the custards, admiring the perfect golden brown crust forming. Unfortunately, something on the pan started to smoke and suddenly the fire alarm was shrieking. "Oh no!" Sunny exclaimed, mortified. Brent ran to open the door and fanned some fresh air inside until the noise subsided.

     "Don't worry," he offered when he reentered the kitchen, "I burn toast." 

She shot him a grateful grin as they carried their ramekins into the living room. "Mmm, delicious." Brent praised. 

     Sunny barely heard, eyes on Poodle. "Does he look funny to you?" 

     Brent raised a brow, "I don't think I'm equipped to answer that question. He looks green and still. Probably sleeping." He returned to his creme brulee with vigor, the matter resolved. 

     "Yes," Sunny murmured, "Exactly. He's too still." She'd assumed the iguana was just lazy all day, but as she walked over to the cage he actually looked rather dead. Sunny tentatively reached through the crate and placed her hand over the heat lamp. "Oh no! The lamp is not working." At that precise moment, Poodle keeled off his perch, landing with a thud at the bottom of the crate. She gasped and Brent finally put down his dish to come over. 

     "Is he dead?" Brent started to poke his finger at poor Poodle. Sunny shooed him away and unlatched the door.

     "With the lamp not working and opening the door to get rid of the smoke, the temperature is probably too cold for him. Freezing temperatures are lethal to them and it's nearly single digits outside. We've been by the fire so I turned the thermostat down earlier." She felt truly horrible as the door creaked open. The creature hadn't even lasted twenty-four hours under her care. This did not bode well for her future as a mother and Brent was looking far too unconcerned by the situation. 

Suddenly, Brent screamed and a flash of green darted through the opening. Sunny watched in dreadful fascination as Poodle sprinted for the only source of warmth in the room. With a graceful swan dive, the iguana gave itself over to the heat of the fire, burying himself in the glowing coals. 

     "Do something!" Brent screamed, hitting notes a trained soprano would applaud. Sunny stared at him. 

     "What about you?" He obviously was useless so Sunny dashed to the hearth, weighing her options for a millisecond before she thrust her hand into the flames and yanked Poodle out by the tail. Following instinct, she whirled the iguana around her head in some strange perversion of a rodeo. Apparently her instincts were dead wrong because the increased oxygen just stoked the flames. Brent finally made himself useful and tossed her a blanket. She dropped to the ground, smothering and rolling Poodle until he was just a limp heap of singed iguana. Just as she leaned forward to administer some form of reptile CPR, Poodle's side rose with a deep inhalation and he cracked an eye open. Sunny shrieked and scooped him up, cradling him like an infant in her arms. Maybe she did have a maternal instinct after all. Brent collapsed on the couch in shock, "I do believe this is the strangest date I've ever experienced." 

     Sunny half laughed, half sobbed. "You can say that again." She inspected the iguana's skin and it seemed intact. She looked up as Brent put his phone to his ear, "Yes, I saw you have an emergency medicine clinic. Are you able to care for an iguana? My girlfriend's needs to be treated for possible burns and smoke inhalation." A grin grew on Sunny's face as she looked back and forth between Poodle and Brent. One word reverberated through her mind. Girlfriend. Her carefully laid plans may have taken a strange detour, but it seemed like she may have arrived at her destination anyway. Brent might not be perfect, but obviously neither was she. Whatever happened, she would try her best to adapt.