The Washing of the Lions

THE WASHING OF THE LIONS

 A big company pulls an April Fools’ prank that ends up going horribly wrong .

Bernie, the Editor of a widely read newspaper scratched his tousled head . The top button of his shirt was undone and his tie hung forlornly. A noose around his neck would have lent some cheer to his mood. Three empty coffee cups crowded his desk. He drummed his figures anxiously. What was troubling the usually dynamic, confident director of daily news? He loved to remind everyone of the importance of news. “The word comes from the points on a compass you see, N for North, E for East, W for West and S for South. All directional and covering the whole world with information”. 

Friday April the first was approaching and some numbskull in the Office had conceived the blurred, very short sighted notion of inciting his radio announcer friend to broadcast, for two days in succession, that the City Herald was going to release a story about the biggest April Fools' prank that had occurred in the history of the newspaper. No doubt he thought it was a great idea to boost sales and earn himself a bonus. No bother that he failed to weigh up the consequences and take responsibility for such rashness. “No! Of course not! That was always my job”, Bernie grumbled to himself.  

The good news was that there were four days to find a solution to this alarming situation. He had four days to come up with a hallmark story. But what?

Londoners usually loved crowds, queues, barkers, buskers, sensationalism and waving little Union Jack flags…So?

“Dad, can we go to the Zoo on Saturday, please?” By George that's it! “What a clever boy you are Tommy! Vigorously patting the boy's head. Tommy pulled away in nervous bewilderment. 

Bernie searched extensively for information about the exotic animals that had once upon a time lived at the Tower of London. 

What nonsense! No! It was true. It went back to the days of King John in the 1200s when he began using the Tower to house his collection of wild animals. In 1235, the story goes -- the Holy Roman Emperor Frederick ll presented King Henry lll with three leopards, and this inspired him to create a Zoo at the Tower. Thus, the tradition was born. 

Step one : Bernie ordered daily front page headlines for the rest of the week : “Collect your ticket to the sensational Washing of the Lions show at the Tower of London” --- See page three. 

Sales rocketed and “page three” made the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow look trivial. The excited readers were assured that upon presentation of their copy of the newspaper they would receive their personal ticket for the show. 

April Fools’ Day dawned and it was of course Friday the first of April that year. Crowds queued from the early hours before daybreak at the Tower of London.  

They relaxed in deck chairs, kept warmly wrapped in blankets, drank from thermos flasks and ate from picnic baskets. They sang rousing songs and waved their little Union Jack flags. It was like an unofficial public holiday. The sun appeared, the gates opened and ticket holders advanced gradually. In orderly procession they handed their tickets to the gate keepers. They approached the Tower Ditch in expectation of seeing the jungle kings at their ablutions. 

Instead, a volcano of fury erupted among the throng! 

In the arena were no animals, no animal stalls, no water, no ditch and definitely no lions! 

There were balloons, banners, placards and loudspeakers announcing that it was April Fools’ Day and that the crowds had been hoaxed and scammed by the biggest prank in decades! It was a huge joke. But arguably not a funny one. 

War broke out! Deck chairs were thrown about, Tower Guards were beaten on their heads with thermos flasks, picnic baskets were used as shields, and paper plates, cups, wrappings and serviettes were set alight and tossed as incendiaries. 

The Guards called the Fire Department, the Fire Department called the Police, the Police Commissioner called the Mayor, the Mayor called the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister called the Minister of Defence and he deployed well armed troops and an armoured car to protect the Tower of London.

Bernie was informed of the jollifications a few minutes before midnight. He answered the call tremulously in the hope that it was merely another prank. But time was running out…

The angry ticket holders, so gullible, so easily duped, would not forgive and forget. They felt defrauded and humiliated. They formed a front line of indignant, determined protestors determined to seek revenge.

The Court Room was packed with rowdy protestors. It threatened to culminate in yet a second unofficial public holiday. The Minister of Defense, upon being informed of the uproar, once again deployed well armed troops and an armoured car, this time to protect the stately building of Justice. “It’s getting to be a bit much” he remarked as he ended the phone call.

 Bernie had a “Eureka!” moment. He summoned the Numbskull to his office. He instilled in him shame and remorse. Then he ordered him to attend the Court proceedings undercover, in the guise of a protestor. His mission was to pay attention, listen, record and report on everything that transpired there. He was forbidden to contact his radio announcer friend. The Herald’s spy served with valour and escaped with minor injuries. Afterward, Bernie commended him for his bravery and awarded him with a brand new paper stapler. The City Herald scored handsomely by informing a curious community of what happened in detail, in the Court room.

The Judge stifled his amusement and pronounced the verdict. The City Herald was ordered to pay for damages to the Tower property and to pay for injuries to the staff. Every day for ten working days the Herald was to publish on the front page of each issue -- headlines in bold print -- an apology to the ticket holders for their suffering and humiliation at being duped by the infamous prank. 

(The Judge was later seen and heard chortling with his fellows at his Club over the April Fools’ affair.)

Bernie had drinks with his fellows at his Club a week after the proceedings. “It could have been worse for you, old man”, one of them consoled. 

They discussed the strange tradition of animals living in the Tower. “There was a polar bear at one time. It was tethered to a long chain and allowed to fish for it’s food in the River Thames. There was an African elephant all on its own, confined there. The Londoners happily welcomed the sight of an elephant. It must have been very unhappy and neglected because it only lived for a few years. There were lots of monkeys they say.” Bernie had swotted up on the history. “During the reign of subsequent kings, more exotic animals were introduced to the zoo, such as wildcats, jackals, and hyenas. King Edward the First built a semi-circular outer defence with a double tower, in 1277, which was named the Lion Tower after the big cats kept inside -- they must have been depressed. It was demolished during the 19th century. 

After King George lV's death in 1830, the Royal Menagerie was closed and the animals were relocated to the London Zoo”. “What a story, Bernie you should publish it”. 

Bernie sighed and explained that although he could do that, he wasn’t too keen. He felt it was a gloomy story. He leaned forward, ordered another round of drinks, and said he thought it was so strange that this bit of history emerged from an April Fools' prank. Had it not been for the Numbskull's crazy plot, the plight of so many animals might have remained forgotten. And as a matter of interest, how did April Fools' Day originate anyway? Nobody knew for certain.

He leaned back and laughed: “What if there never was an April Fools’ Day after all? What if the whole thing started quite by accident, based on something entirely different from the popular concept of today? Then THAT would surely be the biggest prank ever!” They saw the irony and guffawed!  

That night Tommy asked: “Dad why were there no lions to be washed at the Tower the other day? “ “ Because there weren’t any lions , son. It was a huge prank.” (Thank goodness there were no lions there with all the commotion, he thought!)

“Dad, what’s a prank?” ……

Reference: atlasobscura.com/places/the-tower-of-london-menagerie