What I Mean Is

 Gwen stands behind the couch, watching Arthur flip channels on the remote with alarming speed. She’s seen him do this many times before, but for some reason, tonight she stands transfixed as the images fly by on the television at the speed of light. Arthur senses her presence but doesn’t turn around.

“I thought you were going to bed”. He tosses the words over his shoulder.

“I was, but I wanted to see what captivated you so much that you’re not”.

“I was watching something but then I lost interest”.

“Yeah, given the flipping around you’re doing it seems that there’s not much you’re interested in”.

“Well, you know I find something, it looks interesting, I watch for a few minutes, then I get bored”.

“So instead of giving it some time to see if there’ something on that might hold your interest, you just abandon it and move on to another one”.

Arthur answers without looking up.

“Well that’s the beauty of cable. There’s so much to choose from.”

“It seems like a lot of energy to try to give you some satisfaction”.

As Gwen’s eyes go from the flickering images to her husbands non-stop button pushing, she decides that this is the night she’ll initiate the conversation about an issue that has been bugging her for some time. Gwen knows she has little chance of distracting her husband unless she encroaches on his personal space. She sits next to him on the couch. Arthur’s gaze is unwavering. Although they are inches apart, her presence barely registers.

“It’s preferable than watching all those reruns of Law and Order. You know how every episode will play out. You can practically recite the dialogue verbatim”

So, there it is.

“Yeah, but there’s something very satisfying about that. I’m never disappointed. I can relax and really enjoy it”.

“But don’t you miss the excitement of discovering something new?”

“No. Look, most of your searching leads to disappointment. Why expend all that energy into what’s most likely a waste of time?” In their years together, Gwen thinks, this dichotomy has always been so.

And Arthur always has a rationale. “Because that one good one you find will be more exciting and fulfilling and be an antidote to the sameness of those reruns”

But this time Gwen isn’t giving up. There’s more at stake here.

“So, you do all this searching and to what end? So, you can watch by yourself? If you want to watch with me, I’ve got to find the same thing interesting.”

“Well if I have to, I can watch by myself.” He has an answer for everything.

“Would you rather”? Now he has to make a choice.

Arthur finally looks at her. “Well, there’s some satisfaction but it’s not the same thing.”

Well, that’ something, Gwen thinks. “I should hope not.”

“It’s just that you don’t seem very interested in exploring other possibilities.”

Now Gwen finds herself on the defensive. “I would, but most of the things you gravitate to don’t interest me”.

“It seems that you’re not even interested in seeing what else is on” Arthur continues.

“Maybe if you weren’t so quick with the remote’

“I generally go faster when I’m by myself”.

“Well, I’m telling you that faster doesn’t work for me”.

“You can’t expect me to watch with you if you’re only tuning into the same shows over and over again”.

“You used to watch with me all the time”.

“Yes, but it’s been five years”.

“So, you’re bored”? Gwen asks. The million-dollar question. The question she’s afraid to ask but to which she needs an answer.

“I wouldn’t mind going back occasionally to reruns, but it would be nice if you’d at least entertain the idea of watching something a little more recent”.

“You mean something more explicit”?

“Just something different.” Arthur is hedging, but Gwen knows what he means.

“Everything you think of as “different” I find unpleasant”.

“You know you talk about what I used to do, but I remember you having more of an adventurous spirit”. Now the ball is back in her court, but she’s determined to make her case.

“Maybe my tastes have changed. It’s just that from what I’ve seen it seems like a waste of time when I know what going to make me happy”.

“What about what’s going to make me happy”? A reasonable question, Gwen thinks, but she has an answer.

“I thought you’d be happy if I was happy”. An unassailable argument, she thinks.

“I am. But why doesn’t that work both ways”?

Gwen is stopped in her tracks. The logic is inescapable. “You know what? It should”.

Now its Arthur’s turn to be non-plussed. “So, what does that mean”?

Gwen takes a breath. She doesn’t want to say what she’s thinking but this feels like a crossroads in their relationship when nothing but the unvarnished truth will do.

“I think it means that one person can’t necessarily meet all the needs of their partner, no matter how much they love each other”.

“That’s sobering…and a little depressing”.

“Well, Arthur, that’s real life and we should just face it”. The fact that Arthur doesn’t take issue with this, gives her no comfort.

“So, what are we going to do”? he asks.

Gwen looks at Arthur for a moment, stands, and holds out her hand. She’s decides to initiate a solution. “Well first I think we should go into the bedroom and make love. And all right, I’ll put on whatever outfit you want”.

“I thought you didn’t…” Gwen doesn’t let him finish.

“It’s not my first choice, but in the spirit of compromise I’m willing to try to embrace this attempt to inject some variety into our sex life”

“Great”.

“But next time, it’s no costumes and the lights are out. And you’d better not phone it in. Deal?”

“Deal. I love you”.

“I love you too.” Gwen leads Arthur towards the bedroom, but then stops.

“Oh, and when we’re done, we’re going to order another television.”