Feed Your Head

Her bladder nearly let go with the boom and searing flash of light. Another peal of thunder came close on its heels rumbling and crackling across the sky, and then the torrential downpour kicked in. Tiffany was going to get wet one way or another. 

Fortunately, the relentless lightning lit up a stone bridge thirty feet in front of her. She sprinted as best she could to the abutment leading down. Scrambling, she lost her footing and slid on her backside in the mud, hoping all the while to be able to stop before reaching the wettest thing of all, the river. She grabbed onto a passing branch threatening to spear her to pivot to a stop under the bridge. Hailstones peppering the water added to the banging and sizzling and rocks being moved around by the rushing stream. She listened, bent over, holding her sides and catching her breath. The house was not very far at all, but she needed to wait out Mother Nature’s snit.

Tiffany dozed for a while, but then a movement caught her eye - a white something disappearing around the other side of the bridge. It wasn’t her dear sweet white terrier Oggie who refused to leave his nap. She hoped the something was too small to be dangerous but could not control her curiosity and found herself following it around the corner. 

There Tiffany stepped into the dark and a much more vicious slide than last time but mercifully away from the river. This one had rocks and branches covered in a slick carpet of moss. She twisted and bounced, anticipating a broken arm or leg, or sprained wrist from the passing limbs and vines. Then she arrived with a thump, did a half cartwheel and stopped, her breath in little swirling clouds.  

A voice from the cave or wherever she was said “I trust you have an invitation.”

Tiffany rubbed her eyes to adjust to the dim light of one candle and found herself staring at an illustration from her book, complete with chequered waistcoat and folded umbrella. She blurted “If you are who I think you are, you’re a fictional character that does not exist in real life.”

The white rabbit responded “Why do I have to be who you think I am? I could be anybody. You could try asking me a question to eliminate who I’m not… I’m not you, for instance.”

“Of course you’re not me,” she responds “You’re a rabbit and I’m a girl. That’s not going to get us anywhere. If you are who I think you are, then… where is your watch?”

“What watch?”

“Your pocket watch?”

“Oh that old thing. That was years ago. How do you know about that? Now I have this to keep the time,” and he removed a cell phone from his waistcoat pocket. “Look! This keeps perfect time! And the calendar reminds me of when I have to go.” Hardly had he finished speaking when a loud marimba tune rang out. “Oh dear, oh dear, it’s six o’clock!” The rabbit disappeared.

Tiffany picked up the candle to illuminate a small door and followed the rabbit scurrying through the wood. Arriving, she found him seating himself at a table with a tablecloth, cups and saucers, a mouse that appeared to be asleep in a cup, a short odd-looking man wearing a top hat with a price tag in its hat band, and a hare with straw on its head. The hare jumped up, glaring at the rabbit and asked angrily “What’s this you’ve brought with you?”

“Not what, who.” Tiffany responded huffily. “Why don’t you ask me who I am? I should know.”

“Yes, you should know, but do you?” the hatted man responded. “That’s the real test.”

“I didn’t come here for tests, I came to get out of the dreadful thunderstorm, and you’re not being very welcoming. My name is Tiffany, and if I remember correctly your names are White Rabbit, Dormouse, Mad Hatter and March Hare.”

“See, you said if you remember correctly, which throws it all up in the air. In fact, you’re just about as wrong as anyone can be. In fact you are so wrong, you’re almost right!”

“That does not make sense! Nothing makes sense here. You’re not real characters. You’re illustrations from a work of fiction!”

“We should know what our names are just as much as you don’t,” the hatter snapped. “You’re very uneducated. It’s impolite. I go by IM, pronounced eye em for Irrational Milliner; this is the June Hare as time stands still for no-one not even you, and this, he poked the mouse who opened one sleepy eye, is Hazel.” The hatter stood. “It’s time to move around the table. Move!”

“Mr. I.M.? I'm impolite? You haven’t asked me to sit down yet, let alone have tea.” 

“Tea? Someone’s out of touch. Of course, you can help yourself to a latte and biscotti…”

But before Tiffany could point out there wasn’t any such thing to be had on the table, another loud marimba tune rang out and the White Rabbit startled. “Come on! She’s going to be furious if the game’s already started!’

“Who’s she?”

“The Blue Queen! Quick. Follow me!”

Blue Queen? Curiouser and even more curious. No, that wasn’t quite right. Tiffany and the rabbit traversed alternating black and white squares with weeds growing between them to arrive at a pickleball court surrounded by courtiers standing to attention.

A woman wearing a crown with a scepter and a bejeweled blue gown, appeared about to serve to soldiers dressed in full uniform wearing ceremonial hats with long tassels that obscured their eyes clanking around with swords at their sides and one hand tied beyond their backs. ”Ah, there you are!” the Blue Queen stopped and shouted out. “Come here at once!” The rabbit scurried. Tiffany followed at a walking place as a show of defiance. 

Arriving on court Tiffany noted that the blue queen was identical to the red one except for her color; the massive head and bad mood dominating all around her. The queen handed her a rolled up hedgehog, its little black nose and dark eyes sticking out. “Your turn to serve for me!”

Tiffany trembled. “But your majesty, I’ve never played. I don’t know the rules…”

“Nonsense, girl. Just remember the flibberty gibbet bounces once in the kitchen, and don't thripe!”

The White Rabbit frowned nervously and nodded to Tiffany to get on with it.

Tiffany punted the hedgehog over the net as gently as she could.

A silence suddenly reigned.

“Off with her head!” screamed the Blue Queen.

Just to be on the safe side, Tiffany decided to run.