Friend of the Devil: The Irreverent Comedy

“Welcome to hell,” came a gnarly voice from behind – what looked like – a cavern wall.

I stood fearful and naked.

At first, I felt curious why I was naked. I mean, I was accustomed to weird and vivid dreams, but why was I naked?

“You seem confused,” came the voice again.

Wake up, man. Wake up. You know, in your room with clothes on and just steps from the river. Where the sun shone, and the marketplace was alive with vendors. Where the children – not mine – played some game with rocks on a grid they drew with a stick. Where the ground was so dry the slightest motion sent plumes of dust into the air. Where you inhaled a pound of dust each day.  I mean, I just bathed last Saturday night.

“Ahem. I’m over here,” came the same weird voice again.

How was I supposed to respond?

Yep, I was still naked. I peered in the general direction I thought the voice was coming from, but there was no one there. Everything around me was amber colored; the sand at my feet, the rocks all around, the cavern walls, even the air. There were seams of molten lava dripping from the cracks in the walls and circling in ground-pools behind me. The temperature was somewhat bearable, but it was causing me to sweat like I’d never sweat before.

The voice came again, “Walk toward my voice.”

Slowly I shuffled my feet through the sand and to the edge of the cavern wall. As I turned the corner, I could feel my lungs hot with air and that’s when the smoke cleared. Before me sat a creature I’d only heard about. Too fantastic and gruesome to attempt description.

“Why are you naked?” asked the creature.

Why was the creature asking me? I clearly had no idea and didn’t prefer it.

“Am I dreaming?” was all I could muster.

“Certainly not. If I may continue, I’ve good news and bad news. The good news is that you’ll live for eternity. The bad news is that you’ll live it in hell. You know, with me.”

There was no laughter but there was a semi-evil grin. Doesn’t the keeper of hell always follow an evil grin with a loud and sinister laugh? And then my bladder gave way.

“Awe, don’t feel bad, most everyone pisses down their leg when they arrive.”

And then the most hideous and sinister laugh echoed through the cavern. I never realized how big my bladder was until that moment. The audacity to poke fun at me for pissing down my leg. Wake up, man. Wake up. What’s my next move?

The creature continued, “You seem surprised to be here. Didn’t you kill the Queen? Didn’t you steal, rape, and pillage your way through life? Didn’t you sin? Didn’t you break every commandment of… ahem, God?”

“I’m dreaming, yes? This is like my worst nightmare.”

“Thanks for the compliment. Yes, this is and will be your worst nightmare. Best part, you’ll get to relive it repeatedly and for eternity.”

“Oh my God.”

“Too late.”

“I’ve done some things I regret, yes.”

“But no repentance. Let’s talk about the Queen. You killed her.”

“Um, I guess, yes.”

“You guess?” The creature rose and roared so loud that the cavern walls began to crumble. “The Queen was my muse and you killed her. Your eternal damnation is going to be a treat for me. Just sayin’.”

“Dare I ask?”

“You’ve quite a tale to be told. You’ll continue to tell your tale in a public forum of how you killed my muse and how you lived your life, and you’ll do it naked – to answer your previous question.”

“What?”

“What, what?”

“How…”

“It’s quite easy. You’ll be presented in the city square where you’ll gain the attention of onlookers and then you’ll tell your tale.”

“How does the repeated part work?”

“I’ve created a fairly genius plan. You’re going to love it.”

“I doubt that.”

“As the medium for communication changes over time on earth, so will your delivery of your tale.”

“So, for my first appearance I have to write my tale?”

“Can you write?”

“No.”

“Then no.”

“So…”

“For every appearance you will verbally convey your tale. Your first appearance will only be verbal then every appearance thereafter you’ll accompany your tale with the medium of the time. Get it?”

“I think so, yes.”

“For your second appearance, you’ll hand out your tale on hand-written parchment.”

“But you know I can’t write.”

“Seems you’ll have to learn it.”

“And then?”

“Well, I have a predefined list of mediums you must learn, follow, and produce.”

“So, you already know the future?”

“Well, if God knows, why can’t I?”

“Well, what if I don’t agree to do it or just don’t do it?”

And then another evil grin and laugh rumbled through the cavern. I should’ve expected it, but I guess I had become overly confident in the direction of the conversation. The rumbling had caused the path behind me to crumble, and I realized that my escape route had disappeared. Unknowingly, I had spun around in search of a way out – and had pissed down my leg again – and ended my spin facing the creature once again.

The creature lifted one eyebrow and proceeded to say, “I guess you don’t understand. You’re in hell and you’ll do whatever I want and whatever I say. For the record, everything I want is unsavory. That said, there are different levels of unsavory. The menu includes unsavory A to Z – and everything in between.”

“So, I can pick from a menu?”

“No.”

“Damn. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.”

“Now you’re getting it.”

“This is so not fair.”

“You’re a damned fool. May I continue?”

“I guess, you’re in charge.”

“Thank you. You see what’s in my hand?”

“I can see something, but I’ve no idea what it is.”

“It’s your soul. Don’t you recognize it?”

“No, not really.”

“Not surprising. I’m beginning see the problem here.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re not very bright.”

“How do I get it back?”

“Your soul?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t. What aren’t you getting here? Why did you kill the Queen?”

“What Queen?”

“The Queen, my muse. We’ve been over this.”

“Hey, I’m just trying to get out of here.”

“Well, bless my soul, you’re really not bright. Maybe we should just be friends. Would you like that?”

“So, I’d be a Friend of the Devil.”

“Good Lord.”