Answer The Door

“Hey, dad, are you in there somewhere?”

“I’m here in the study. Come on back!”

“The study? Ok, Colonel Mustard, should I beware of the candlestick?”

“Very funny.”

“A study, dad? Really? You don't have a single book case or even a desk in here”

"I have a big screen TV and a recliner”

“That makes it a den or a man cave, but not a study.”

“Fine. Welcome to my den, Dentist.”

“You know you’re the only one who still calls me that. Mom used to hate it.”

“I know. Why do you think I did it? I loved making that woman mad.”

“Why on earth would you want mom mad?”

“Because making up with her was so much fun.”

“I know you miss her, you dirty old man.”

“I do miss her. This would have been her dream home. I moved here for her.”

“Seriously, Dad, the place looks great. Mom would be so proud.”

“I don’t know. I hope so.”

“She would, Dad. Who would have thought it? A city boy like you, moving out to the suburbs and buying a house with a study.”

“Don’t you mean a den?”

“Whatever it is, it’s great. What’s up with the open doors though? In New York, you had a doorknob lock, a dead bolt, and a chain forged in the fires of Mordor. On top of that, you had a state of the art alarm system that you activated even when you just went down the hall to put the trash down the chute. Who are you and what have you done with my dad?”

“I don’t know, Dentist, it felt like I had a lot more to lose then.”

“You protected mom to the very end. You hardly ever left her side.

“It was no bother. I only did what she would have gladly done for me.”

”It was no bother because it was mom.”

”It was my greatest pleasure.”

”She was a lucky woman.”

“I don’t know about that. I always figured she drew the short straw when she got stuck with me. I was the lucky one.”

“You think I don’t see what you’re doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“You think if we get to talking about mom that I’ll let you off the hook. It ain’t happening. Where is the iPhone I sent you? We have some work to do.”

“I don’t know, Dentist, what’s the hurry?”

“The hurry? Dad, Mom’s been gone for over two years. You are still young for an old man. You aren’t meant to be alone.”

“But a dating site? On some sort of phone app? That’s not how you meet someone. Can we do it later? I’m tired. It’s been a long day already.”

“Tired? Puh. It’s okay, they have a nap for that.”

“Hardy har har. Look, your mom was everything to me. I can’t hardly remember a time when she wasn’t in my life.”

“She loved you too, Dad. Her eyes always lit up when you entered the room.”

“Did I ever tell you how I met her?”

“Yeah, in high school, right? You took her to the junior prom.”

“That was our first date, but that’s not how I met her.”

“Really? All these years and no one ever told me how you two actually met?”

“I guess not. I’ll tell you one thing though, it didn’t involve a computer or an app on a phone. It was serendipity. My family had just moved into the house in Connecticut.”

“The house in Connecticut? How old were you? I thought you moved in there when you were six or seven.”

“Close, I was ten. I remember how boxes were everywhere and grandma was ordering us all around like a drill sergeant.”

“Granny? She’s five foot nothing and as sweet as sugar.”

“She is now, but when she was younger, she ruled our house with an iron fist. Your grandfather loved following her orders, though. Just like me, he married way above his head, and he would do anything for that woman.”

“That’s really touching, but what does that have to do with meeting mom?”

“I was getting there. You see, everyone else in the house was bigger than me. I was more in the way than helpful, so when the bell rang, my mom told me to answer the door.”

“Okay, I’m interested. What happened next?”

“I opened the door, silly. What would you have done?”

“Dad! Just tell the story. And?”

“And there was this pretty little girl standing next to a giant of a man.”

“Grampa Solomon?”

“Yes, he was gigantic, especially to a ten year old. In all honesty, I didn’t even notice your mother at first, until I smelled the pie.”

“A pie?”

“Yes, a pie. The most delicious homemade apple pie I’ve ever eaten. Your mother had brought it to us as a housewarming gift, a way to welcome us to the neighborhood.”

“Did grandma make the pie?”

“Nope, your mother did. She was a great cook, even at ten years old.”

“Was it love at first sight?”

“Hardly, I was ten years old. Girls were still kind of yucky, but I did notice her. She baked great pies and cookies. And even at ten she had those ice blue eyes. I didn’t fall in love that day, but I was intrigued.”

“Then you went to prom?”

“No, when love is blooming, there’s no reason to rush. First, we became friends. People think life is all about attraction, I get that, but it’s as much if not more about finding someone you want to spend all your time with. Your mom was my best friend before she became my girlfriend. She was my confidante before she became my wife. She was my everything and then, well, that’s how it’s supposed to work. Am I making sense?”

“You are, Dad, and don’t get me wrong, I get it. I really do, but you can’t live in the past. Mom wouldn’t want that.”

“I know, but…”

“Dad, your phone is ringing. I’m pretty sure you are one of three people left in the country with a landline. Are you going to answer it?”

“The machine will get it. No one I care about knows my new number. I’m sure it’s just a telemarketer.”

“You’ve reached Dennis and Diane, please leave your name and number at the tone and we’ll probably never call you back.”

“Dad, you haven’t changed your message?”

“It’s her voice. Every time that machine goes off it feels almost like she’s still here. I know I should change it, but I just don’t have the heart to.”

“I can help you make a copy of it so you can listen to it whenever you like, but you need to change it, Dad. Especially if you’re going to put yourself back out there. After all, you’re not going to get many lady friends to join you for dinner if they get that message when they call.”

“Exactly.”

“Dad, it’s time. Mom will always hold a special place in your heart, but she wouldn’t want you to be lonely. You deserve to be happy.”

“But an app?”

“Dad, things aren’t like they were 100 years ago when you were dating…”

“Hardy har har.”

“Women aren’t going to come to your door all ready to be married. You have to work to meet women these days.”

“Oh alright, you win. What do we do first?”

“Let me download the app on your phone.”

“How long will that take?”

“It’s already done.”

“Goody.”

“Now let's set up a profile. Name…Dennis.”

“Wait, put Denny.”

“Dad, you don’t want to seem like you're still a ten year old.”

“Fine, Dennis.”

“Age…55.”

“I’m 59.”

“You have to stretch the truth a little.”

“So this is how it works now? You have to lie to a woman to get her to like you?”

“No, it’s not like that. It’s well, you know, it’s a white lie…”

“That’s what I thought. Put 59!”

“Fine. 59. Height…6 foot 1, that’s the truth, right?”

“6’1” is correct.”

“That’s a plus, dad. Women like tall men.”

“Maybe you should be over at Shaquille O’Neil’s house helping him find a date?”

“He doesn’t need any help, Dad. You, on the other hand, need all the help you can get.”

“We can stop any time you like.”

“No way, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

“You can’t blame a guy for trying.”

“Valiant effort but let’s see, what do we have next? Eyes…That’s easy, beautiful brown.”

“Dentist!”

“Dad, you do have beautiful eyes. I got mine from you.”

“Okay. Okay.”

“Hair…Brown.”

“Brown?”

“Yes, brown. That’s not a lie.”

“Put grayish-brown.”

“Dad!”

“Grayish-brown!”

“Fine, grayish- brown.”

“Ok, here’s a big one. Interests?”

“Golf.”

“Golf, dad? You might end up with a man answering your ad. How about gardening?”

“I do a little gardening, but only when the golf course is booked.”

“Golf, gardening, and other outdoor-related pastimes.”

“I guess that’s kind of true. Okay, what else?”

“That should be enough to make your profile active. All I have to do is hit submit.”

“Hello? Is anyone home?”

“Boy, that app works quickly.”

“Don’t be silly, dad. I didn’t even submit it yet. Have you been holding out on me? Who is she?” 

“I have no idea.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, I just moved in.”

“Well, go see what she wants.”

“Hello?”

“I’m sorry, but the door was open. I’m Deedee, and I live next door. I wanted to welcome you and your wife to our little community.”

“My wife? Oh, this is not my wife. I’m Dennis and this is my daughter, Dentist.”

“A dentist! You must be so proud.”

“I’m sorry, her name is Denise, but I just call her Dentist.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Denny. I’ve brought you a pie. I hope you like apple.”

“I love apple pie. You are so kind. Now I don’t feel like such a stranger.”

“Well, as my husband Steve, God rest his soul, used to say, strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet. Listen, I have to run. I have a tee time at two and I’m never late for a tee time.”

“You golf?”

“You don’t?”

“I love to golf, but…”

“But what? I’m a girl, is that it?”

“Well, no, but…”

“Choose your words carefully, or they may come back to bite you in the butt when I beat you.”

“Beat me?”

“You’re going to sign up for the neighborhood scramble, aren’t you?”

“I guess so, but…”

“You say but a lot. Dentist, I think your dad is a but man.”

“I’m staying out of this.”

“If you want to start off slow, we have a putt putt club in the neighborhood.”

“Putt putt? But…” 

“I’m kidding, Denny. Is it okay if I call you Denny? Dennis sounds so stuffy.”

“Denny is fine, but…”

“But, nothing. You need to join the scramble. It’s the best way to get to know everyone. I’ll drop an entry form by later.”

“Ok, but...”

“There you go again. I’m the red house next door. Come by when you’d like, and I’ll tell you all the do’s and don’ts of the neighborhood. I’ll also make sure you know who to avoid. I don’t want you going to this scramble blind.”

“But...”

“But what? “

“Oh nothing really, I just have to delete a few things.”

“You have the iPhone, too? Maybe you can help me with mine. My son bought me one and it’s still on a shelf in the box.”

“I’d be happy to.”

“Well, enjoy the pie and I’ll see you later at the scramble. And don’t forget your butt.”