So Much to Say but Such Little Time

Bellowing wind blows mercilessly against my window shield in a futile attempt to hold me back; raindrops like bullets plummet down from the heavens above but their desperate cries are drowned out by the adrenalin which pulses through my veins. My heart rate climbs and I can sense the rhythmic pulse through my entire body. Despite my trembling hands I tighten my grip on the wheel as I feel it is the only thing keeping me grounded. Everything before this moment unfolding right before me, now seems irrelevant and the one thing that concerns me more than anything else is getting to you as fast as I can. I’m coming as fast as I can. I promise. “F*CK” I bark seething as I am brought to an abrupt holt when I hit traffic. An uncontrollable flurry of fists violently assault the dashboard as my rage erupts. Everything hurts. Everything in my life is crashing down on top of me and I can feel the pain of it all. God why must you choose on forsaking me so! Blinded by my indescribable pain I am at first unaware to the fact that my melt down has evolved fully into me sobbing. Dramatic as it may seem, it feels as if my soul is dying. I’m nothing without you. Time moves a little slower. Tears crawl down my cheeks at a snail’s pace and cling desperately to my cheekbones. Perfect, you’re perfect, so why is it fair that someone so perfect should be cheated in this way? I’m so sorry my love and I wish that I could take your place. It should’ve been me; dear God why wasn’t it me? In this time of suffering, I finally allow my mind to wander. What am I going to say? So much to say but such little time. How am I possibly to summarise the boundless joy you have filled me with? You mean everything to me. You’re the first thing I think about when the sun rises over my drowsy eyes and the last thing I give thanks for as darkness looms over my perfect day with you. Moreover, if that weren’t enough, you’re even in my dreams. You make me feel so safe. You’re my home. My love for you is unconditional and knows no bounds; our love consumes me; our love has a hold on me that I couldn’t break even if I wanted to, and I wish to scream from the hilltops of our love because it is undoubtedly the best thing to have ever happened to me. It’s been years now- it feels as if it were a scene from another life- but I can still recall the first time we met. Despite its haziness in my mind, I vow to always remember that day, no matter how unclear it gets I will always remember.

It was a late November evening and I was ambling down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Soaked to the bone I shivered as goose bumps pricked at my skin. “What am I doing with my life?” I pondered, shovelling my icicle fingers in my pockets. Something was missing then, I felt as if I was gliding through the world with no purpose or drive. Everyday felt the same as they swirled into one another forming an undistinguishable blur. Mind whiling and bustling busily away I continued to walk in a pensive manor until quite suddenly my eyes darted up from the sidewalk to catch your gaze. It was dark and you were beautiful. A thunderstorm was taking place, painted black clouds tumbled over one another racing forward. Ominous growls of the army approaching filled the streets but in amongst it all, there was you. A young woman with electric violet hair who was frolicking in the downpour. You pirouetted in the puddles; tumbled in the gushing rivers that ran down the roads. “Who is she?” I couldn’t help but ask. We hadn’t met yet but I strangely felt like I already knew you. Before that moment I had always thought that the concept of love at first sight was naïve. Simply a phenomenon fabricated by Hollywood to entertain angsty teens but when I saw you, it felt…electric. It frankly seems idiotic even now to admit such a thing but, ever since that first moment when I saw the charming sparkle of your eye, I was hooked. Soon after however, I cringed at myself for staring (as staring is an extremely unpolite thing to do) and directed my eyes once more to the floor. I won’t deny that I stole some more looks at you as I continued my walk home, how could I not? You were so captivating. Sadly, we wouldn’t meet again for a number of months but regardless of how short our initial encounter may have been, it triggered a switch in my mentality. Through all of the hardships I was burdened with I would keep the image of you in my mind. The image of how carefree and joyful you were to rejoice in life. As a result of you I became a better person, you make me want to be a better person so for that I want to say thank you.

Currently I stand by your side, caressing your hand in a basic attempt to sooth you. You’re scared. Through all of our years together I’ve come to possess the ability to tell how you’re feeling without the words having to leave your mouth. I’m scared too but I want to be strong for you… but my love it is so hard. Oh, how I long to cry and shout out in fear because I simply can’t imagine who I am without you. I’m not ready. You have my heart and if you go it will never return. Deprived of your warm embrace how will my solemn life continue? Stripped of your succulent lips how will food ever taste as sweet? Robbed of your smile how will I continue in a dull world that was once draped in vibrant colour?

“Excuse me madam?” breathes a youthful nurse standing gingerly at the door.

“Yes my dear?” I return keeping my eyes transfixed on you.

“It brings me no pleasure to inform you of this but she doesn’t have much time left… I’m sorry but I think you should make your final goodbye.”

A sudden jolt in my back tightens my spine and I stand upright, “Thank you”. The words glide from my mouth in a whisper only just loud enough to be heard.

“I’ll give you some privacy” she states sweetly and it is followed shortly afterwards with the clicking of her heels exiting the room.

Beep… Beep… Beep…

Deep breathes, we can do this. So much to say, so little time. So many ways I wish to tell you I love you, so few words. Surely this is a task that is humanly impossible. Am I letting you down? Believe me it’s not that I don’t have things to say to you, it’s just that it seems an impossible feet to condense it all into a short soliloquy. Please don’t go away, please. It’s inevitable that you would have to go at some point but I didn’t want to accept it, everyone always leaves but I thought I had you no matter what. We promised we wouldn’t break each other’s hearts but look what you are doing to me! I’m sorry… I know it’s not your fault… but if you leave, I don’t think I can stay. Things just get better when I’m around you. Dark images and evil thoughts fade into oblivion because when I look at you and you sport that cheeky little grin you set my soul on fire. When I look at you, I can feel it, that cheesy rom com feeling that we strive for endlessly as it’s all our hearts truly desire, I can feel it. I look at you…and I’m home, please God, I don’t want that to go away. Even in the darkest of times you held my hand and life became easy but now your hand is limp and your grasp is weakening. I know, I know! I need to start expressing myself soon as time is running out and your eyes are drooping but my mind is a hurricane. Where to start, what to say? It’s all too intense I wish you could know it all! Ok, I can do this!

“I love you, I-“

Silence.

The continuous beeping stops.

You flat line.