Alone in the Many

             People bustle about in the large polluted New York City, not bothering to notice the one girl leaning against the side of an old building. No one notices how alone she looks, or how desperately in need she is of someone, anyone. No one notices her staring past the buildings over a few blocks to the large New York-Presbyterian hospital, wondering if her father would make it out of surgery.

             No one notices the tears glistening in her eyes, or that the blue orbs dart to the purse around her shoulder, frantically begging her phone to ring for an update. Her heart thuds with every breath she takes, her breaths beginning to sound more and more like sobs the more she stares.

             Someone runs into her, breaking her concentration.

             “Oh, sorry!” the man says, giving her dirty not-up-to-New-York-style clothes a once over before hastily walking away. She sighs as the uneven gait of his footsteps fades into the distance. Not like she could hear them in the first place, anyway. A car slams on its breaks right in front of her, echoed by the screaming honks of a dozen other cars, also slamming on their brakes.

             She watches couples smile at each other and hold each other’s hands as they walk by, not even so much as glancing in her direction. The sun’s smile fades behind a cloud as the day goes on, and for that she is grateful. Grateful that even if no one else notices her suffering, the sun does. Her eyes dart from the tip of the hospital over to the cloud the sun went behind, and she silently offers up words of thanks for what felt like company.

             Because she has no one in this world. No one at all except her father. No other friends, no other family. Just him and her. But now she could lose him too. She could lose him and then she’d only have the sun and stars and moon to keep her company through the long days.

             And she supposed she’d have to find a job too, since she wouldn’t be able to live under her father’s roof for free anymore, because there’d be no more roof or house left to live under. No, the house would go to the government to pay off the many bills to the hospital, and she’d get a meager sum of money that she could live off for a month, two months at best.

             She shoved off the building and put earbuds in, slowly walking the two blocks to the hospital.

             It’s going to be fine, she tells herself. You’re going to get a call any minute and he’s going to be fine.

             But it was not fine. She was supposed to get a call over an hour ago. Doubt had already begun to worm itself inside her mind, but it was multiplying, and fast. Much like her father’s cancer cells.

             The worm silently grows into a snake, and as she turns the corner of the street it turns into a raging wolf. Her steps increase, and people glance her way as she barges past them, practically shoving people out of the way.

             One more block, she tells herself. One more block and you can find out what the hell is happening.

             She was already alone. The familiar darkness already had its claws on her, and she had no one she could tell that to. And she was afraid. She was afraid that the one person that made her not completely alone was going to be gone. She was afraid that once he was gone, the darkness would pull her under into a spiraling void. A void of unfeeling, numbing, nothingness.

             That place where anything can happen, and you wouldn’t notice. She had seen that place before, seen that place before when her father had told her he had stage three pancreatic cancer. She had seen it, lived it for weeks before he pulled her out of it with so many reassuring smiles and so many it’s okays and it’s fines.

             But it wasn’t fine. It wasn’t okay as she broke into a sprint down the busy street, people shaking their fists at her as she raced by. She tripped over an empty McDonalds cup and crashed to the ground, groaning at her skinned knees and hands. No one bothered to help her as she shoved all her fallen things back into her black Michael Kors purse, only giving her side glances, pointing, laughing to themselves and continuing on their way. Her cheeks burned as she threw her fallen purse back on, and kept running, the scuff marks on it evident now more than ever.

             It was one of the last nice things she owned, one of the last before it happened. Before all her money went to fueling her father’s battle to stay alive. Before almost every last dollar was thrown into chemotherapy, blood work, and hospital bills.

             Her braid came flying loose as she skidded to a stop in front of the hospital doors, frantically pushing her hair out of her face and combing her fingers through it as best she could.

             She pushed through the doors and paced over to the reception desk, peering at the lady’s name-tag as she halted in front of it.

             “Annie,” she smiled, as if they were old friends. Smiled as if her father wasn’t possibly dead or dying or bleeding out—

             “Yes, dearie?” the receptionist smiled back. “Can I help you?”

             “I’m here on account of my father.” She kept smiling, willing her hands and legs to stillness as they continued to shake, as her heart continued to pound in her ears. Everything was zooming in and out of focus, bells and tones ringing in her ears as she panted,

             “Kaiden Welkins is my father. Can I see him?” she asks, unconsciously drumming her nails on the granite counter.

             The lady furiously pounded on her keyboard for a minute or so, before frowning at the screen and picking up the corded phone and dialed a number, tucking it between her shoulder and neck before pounding on the keyboard once more.

             “Yello?” someone on the other line of the phone says.

             “I’m calling to ask the whereabouts of Kaiden Welkins, his daughter is here, and it doesn’t look like he’s been moved to his room yet.”

             Her grip on the counter was the only thing keeping her upright as the world tilted and spun around her.

             Where is he what’s happening is he dead is he dying what’s wrong what’s wrong what’s wrong—

             The lady put on a smile that she knew all too well—her father smiled the same way when he was about to tell her something was wrong. He smiled the same way when he sat her down to tell her about his disease two years ago.

             She had only been fourteen then, but a lot had happened in that so short period of time.

             “Something went wrong in the operating room, and they’re still working on it. But he’ll be fine, dearie. We’ve got some of the best doctors here.”

             I felt my heart plummet from my chest as she said it.

             No. No. No this can’t be happening I have nowhere to go—

             She didn’t feel it as her legs started moving of her own accord and she shoved the glass door to the hospital open so hard that it cracked. She didn’t register anything as her legs started moving faster and faster as they sprinted down the streets of New York City, down the streets, through the streets, across the streets, through lanes and rows of traffic, and cars and buses and taxis. They all screeched to a halt as she ran in front of them, tears flying from her face and dripping off her chin.

             She came to a stop and crumpled in on herself in a dark corner of the city, curling her knees to her chest and leaning against a building. Her breath came in panting sobs, her tears flowing freely down her face.

             People passed her. So many people passed her in the long time that she sat there, glancing or looking at the sixteen-year-old girl crying on the side of the building. Her body shook and shuddered, and she longed for someone—anyone to stop and just say a few words of comfort, but no one did.

             And she was alone. She was alone, she was so alone, and she had no one to turn to, no one at all who would help her, not even in a city of over eight million people.

             And so, she finally let herself sink into the beckoning darkness.