my sunshine

It was a cold, crisp autumn morning. The crunch of the leaves under my boots and the sun gleaming through the trees filled me with euphoria. As I sat on the cold, metal park bench a familiar auroma had drifted through the breeze. 

The scent of cinnamon filled my lungs and as quickly as it had arrived my blissful glee had disappeared. 

My hand tightened around the park bench arm holder and my eyelids clenched shut, once again forcing me to think of that day I longed to forget. 

As my vision cleared I sat in my old kitchen, feeling a smile grow on my face. 

“Good morning, my love.” My wife whispered as she hugged me from behind.

“Hello, my sunshine.” I whispered back as I tucked a strand piece of her beautiful short, black hair behind her ear. 

She cupped my hand in hers, pressing it against her cheek for a moment before placing it on my lap and walking towards the kettle. 

“Do you want a cup of hot chocolate?” she asked. 

“Yes, please. Thank you.” I responded. 

As she waited for the water to boil I grabbed a muffin, cut it in half and buttered both sides. 

As she walked over with both mugs of hot chocolate I slid half of the muffin to where she was going to sit. 

“Almost forgot!” she said, sticking cinnamon sticks into both mugs. 

Her voice rang in my head as a teardrop ran down my cheek on that park bench. As painful as it was I didn’t dare open my eyes. 

“Thank you, it looks great.” I said. 

She looked up from her hot chocolate and my face immediately flushed, feeling warm. 

Even after 2 years of marriage I still got lost in her cocoa coloured eyes. They seemed warm and inviting like she had a story to tell and I happened to be lucky enough to be a part of it. 

Her lips curled into a mischievous smile as she said 

“You’re staring again, darling. Is everything alright.” 

I remember that my heart felt like putty just by her saying those simple words. I’d played those words over again thousands of times, thinking about what I should’ve said or done. 

“Sorry. It’s hard not to stare when I have the most beautiful woman in the world sitting right across from me.”

She giggled. “Funny, I was thinking the same thing.” 

The cinnamon stick in my mug was now half-melted, sticking to the side as I took another sip from the hot chocolate. 

I let out a little sigh as I put the mug down. 

“I have to get to work soon.” I said, reaching over the table to grab her hand. Her eyebrows furrowed and her lips pushed into a pout. 

“I wish you’d stay a bit longer, I’ll miss you.” She stated.

“I know. I’ll miss you more.” At that moment I didn’t realize how much I’d meant those words, How much I wished to have called in sick and stayed in with her just for a few more hours. I’d have even taken just a few minutes.

I ate the last of my muffin, kissed her on the forehead and said.

“I have to go now. I love you.” 

“Love you more, my darling.” 

“Impossible, My sunshine.” I said before heading out the door. 

I remember the warm glow of the sun resting on my face as I drove to work, the wind whipping through my hair and the stereo playing some type of cheerful tune. I think that may have been the last time I belted out the lyrics to a song like I was in it. 

Trying to find a spot in the company parking lot was like trying to find a corgi in a room full of cats. 

There was one far away from the doors, also by a dumpster. Very nice. 

I locked the car doors, went up to work and clocked in. 

I sat at my desk for a couple hours before being called into the bosses office. 

“Sarah, could you come in here for a moment?” He asked. 

As I walked in he had a grim expression on his face.

“I think you should sit down.” He said, not able to look me in the eyes.

“Am I in trouble for something?” I asked while taking a seat. 

“No, no. Nothing like that. You’re married to Mya Kippers, yes?” 

“Yes. why, is everything ok?” 

“There was a bit of an accident. I don’t know the details but I think it’s best you go home. There’s police waiting.” 

I nodded and walked out of his office, hiding my shaking hands in my pockets. 

After leaving the office I sprinted to my car and sped down the road, hearing my heart bump up against my rib cage. I blinked away tears, expecting the worst. “What if she had a heart attack or got hit by a car?” I thought to myself as I tried to find a place to park. There were cop cars everywhere and even an ambulance. 

I parked in the neighbours driveway, reminding myself to apologize later. 

With every step I took the more concern and doubt weighed over me until I was pretty much having a breakdown at the door. 

I walked in, 3 police in my kitchen. 

“What’s going on, where’s my wife?” I asked, hearing my own voice breaking.

“I’m so sorry.” one of the police stated. He continued.

“There was a break in. your wife called in but we couldn’t get here in time.” My eyes widened, and rage washed over me. 

“Where is she?” I asked, not caring that the police could see the tears running down my face. 

“Where is my wife!” I had already known the answer. I noticed the blood on the table the moment I walked in, the spilled hot chocolate on the floor and a new hole in the wall. 

“I’m sorry.” the cop said again. “We’ve already sent someone to bring her to the morgue.” There it was, those dreadful words. I knew what had happened but hearing it aloud made my heart stop. The walls felt like they were closing in as I crumbled to the floor, becoming a sobbing mess. 

I remember the exact feeling and moment everything had been ripped away from me. I was forced to relive this moment every second of every day, knowing there was nothing I could do to change it. 

My thoughts were disturbed by a voice.

“Sarah, are you alright?” Nurse Gloria asked as she approached me on the park bench.

“Yes, I just needed some fresh air.” I replied, observing my knuckles had turned ghost-white from holding onto the arm handle so tightly.

“It’s almost time for group therapy, darling.” she stated. My heart wretched.

“Please. Don’t call me darling.” I said. She nodded softly while linking arms with me.

“Of course. It’s a beautiful day out, the colours of autumn are always gorgeous.” I smiled a bit.

“Yes, everything's better with sunshine.” I said, allowing her to walk me back to the institution.