New Year’s Resolutions 2023 2024

I, Ryan, am writing this list of 2023 2024 New Year’s Resolutions to get my ass in gear. If I put it on paper, I guess I might be able to manifest them a little bit better? You know, speak them into existence or whatever Lynda tried to tell me. I am reusing my list from last year, with some modifications, because let’s face it, I didn’t accomplish a goddamn thing in 2023. Not with everything that happened. Although, I am still breathing which says enough in and of itself.

1.    Keep the apartment clean and tidy on a regular basis.

I need to make sure I don’t fall back into the way I used to live. I have come so far and I need to make sure that I am doing the work that needs to be done to keep it that way. Lynda tells me it starts with something as small as keeping your living space tidy.

1.    Dig myself out of the hole of detritus and laundry that is coating the floor in my apartment.

What I’d give to have the apartment look like it did a year ago. Lynda was right, it’s a slippery slope, and once you lose control of your tidiness you lose control of your balance. There’s a smell that lingers that I have become blind to. When people come over When the delivery person brings food I can tell by the look on their face that the smell lofting out into the hall is putrid and disgusting. Things are missing amidst the turmoil. Things I need. I haven’t seen or heard my phone ring in some time.

2.    Introduce myself to the neighbor (maybe make a friend?)

I noticed a new guy moved in next door a couple days ago, and I saw him carry in a Falcon Spear poster! That is my favorite anime and I think I could use it as a way to start a conversation. I wonder if he prefers the dub or sub of the showdown between Falcon and Klaw in episode #181. It could help me accomplish my daily exercises as well and might help me be a little more social. Lynda says I need to talk to more people than just her; I can’t rely on her to be my only social interaction and I need to branch out and put myself out there more.

2.    Figure out why Steven fears me.

So much for making a friend. I don’t know why but for a while Steven was avoiding me in the halls of the apartment complex and I heard him switch the deadbolt over when I walked past his door a couple times. I haven’t seen him in months, but I can hear him through the walls sometimes. I would leave him notes on the door, but he would never get back to me.

I don’t know what I did to him, but I really need to figure out why I can never make any friends and why this sort of thing always seems to happen to me. Lynda always said it was because I am a very passionate person, maybe I came on too hard about Falcon Spear?

3.    Call Mom and Dad more often.

Like I said before, Lynda says I need to be more social. One of those things involves talking to my parents and rebuilding the relationship I had with them. God knows they tried to stay in touch with me over the years but sometimes ... sometimes things just aren’t okay. They call and I stare at the caller ID while bile makes its way up my throat. I do love them, and I know they love me, but I swear to god it’s just so hard to face them sometimes after everything.

3.    Visit mom and dad at the cemetery.

I should have called. I’m sorry.

4.    Enjoy a walk in the park at least once a week.

Just like talking to the neighbor will help with my daily exercises, going for a walk in the park will help me accomplish my long-term goals. I don’t need to get crazy with it and turn into a hiker with a Camelback. I just need to take a short walk, outside, in the fresh air occasionally. Lynda said it could help me to “maintain a schedule” and that the park, or wherever really, will be a good change of scenery for me. I think she might be right and while I may not be one who goes for short walks, I always hear from Lynda about how it will help “clear the mind.”

4.    Go outside.

I haven’t been outside in 7 months. I think. Truthfully at this point, I have lost track of the days, which is a problem in itself. I’ll leave a note on Steven’s door from time to time, but I don’t even leave my doorframe to do it. And I still get no answers from him. I know he is seeing the notes because they are gone every time I place another one! Can’t he just give me a response! I’m living in my own filth, Steven won’t talk to me, my parents are dead, and Lynda ... oh god Lynda.

5.    Continue with my journal.

I need to do better about keeping up with writing down what is happening in my life and how I am doing and feeling. I need to keep track of the day-to-day. Lynda said it would help me to prevent gaps in time, and she’s right. I remember it most nights but sometimes I forget and honestly, those days are the hardest to remember looking back.

5.    Remember what day it is.

The journal is what was keeping my sense of time it seems, as without it I have no concept of how many days are passing let alone what day it actually is. I am only writing this list, and only know it is a new year, because the delivery guy who brought my dinner yesterday said, “Happy New Year.” Without that interaction, I could not have told you if it was January or June. My blinds are always closed, I don’t see the sun rise or set. I live in perpetual darkness and filth, only illuminated by LED lights. I’m trying to climb my way out but I can’t establish a grip on a solid foundation. But this list is a revelation that I need to do something about my current situation.

6.    Listen to Lynda and take her advice.

Lynda knows what is best for me, and I should listen and implement her advice more often. She only wants me to succeed and to become a better person in the end. She’s been helping me for years and has led me through some really dark times. I should recognize her for the light that she is and trust that she is a source of good in my life. We may butt heads from time to time, but it’s out of love, and out of her wanting me to throw away my bad habits and lead a more constructive life. She’s seen me at my worst, so how about she sees me at my best too?

6.    Apologize to Lynda

I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you stop this?!?

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*Comments from Dr. Lynda Angarsk regarding Patient #63826 (Ryan Trisk)*

When he speaks of his neighbor Steven, that was the person in the room next to him. Steven has been gone for months, discharged with improved behavior. A fact that I know has been shared with Ryan on multiple occasions. Yet, he continues to leave notes for a patient that is no longer there. Steven was mute and timid. Ryan did nothing to him, Steven just didn’t understand and could not communicate back, hence Ryan thinking he had done something to make him fear him. Which would not be a first in Ryan’s life.

The delivery person who brings him food all the time is Trent. He is one of the orderlies at St. Christopher’s.

On April 17, 2023, Ryan’s parents died in a car accident. On April 18, 2023, Ryan attacked me during our therapy session. The death of his parents in such a tragic and sudden way snapped an already fragile mind. His past is what led him to therapy, his actions on April 18 are what landed him in an institution.

During our session after the death of his parents, Ryan became manic. A conversation about his past that put his parents in a negative light lit the fuse. After all the abuse he endured he still put those two on a pedestal.

The effects of Ryan’s attack will leave permanent damage to my body and mind. I have one working eye, nerve damage in my left hand, and I’ve had to stop seeing patients in my home office out of fear for my safety.

They found this note in Ryan’s room, but still have not found Ryan. How he managed to escape is still under investigation, but he left a path of destruction in his wake I am told. With his parents gone, it seems he has held onto our relationship tightly and has started to idolize the past. We have not spoken since April 18. Not since the attack. Nor will we again. I hope.

I am in fear for my life and will be until Ryan is accounted for.