Okay, I did it

Okay, I did It

Okay, so I made a mistake. At least, I was willing to admit to it. Of course, I didn’t have much choice in the matter when the invasion started and we were caught flat-footed here on earth. They would have wiped us out. But, I am getting ahead of myself.

It all started when Rufus Johnson (who is my best friend in the whole world) and I were walking back from the store. His mother had sent us on an errand. Now, at eleven years old, we are at a strange juncture. Because, you see, we aren’t totally innocent. I mean, how can you be innocent in this day and age when everything evil is at your fingertips?

The stories of everything that happens is right in our face. They talk about it at school and there really is no escaping all the burden that falls on the average citizen everyday. 

It was Rufus that once said the world is one giant tornado and we are all caught in it. There is no escaping because the gravitational pull is too strong.

He says a lot of deep stuff like that because he’s a genius.  

I am not saying this because he’s my best buddy. (Secretly we are brothers from another mother.) But, the kid’s IQ is like in the genius range. He is so intelligent. But that curly hair and sweet smile is deceiving.

Sorry, I am going down the wrong lane here.

So Rufus and I were walking home and we were talking about the possibilities of aliens and their existence. Of course, he would lay everything down in a scientific and mathematical manner creating a neat package tied with a ribbon and bow.

“Aliens exist, but in a way that no one can understand or wants to understand.”

“How so?”

“As humans, we want to believe. After all, we are mortal and know that someday our lives will end. We just don’t know how or when. This is why there is great belief in all kinds of things like Santa Claus and Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster. It gives us an outlet to a world or possibilities we don’t understand.”

“Okay, I get it so far.”

“The belief in things that are fantastic or seem really outlandish create an escapism from the common, everyday doldrums of daily life.”

“I understand what you are saying and I agree.” By the way we always didn’t see eye to eye on things. Often there was heated debate and tempers flared. But we always respected each other and that was what made us friends the mutual respect to share what was on each other’s minds.

“It’s just that the concept of aliens is about as foreign and mysterious as the idea of God. Nobody has seen either one, but we believe they exist. In order to formulate the idea of their presence, we have to create some kind of image to hang on to because that is how the human mind works.”

I smiled.

“It’s like Santa Claus. Mentioned the name and an image immediately pops up in your mind.”

“That’s right even if you don’t believe in him anymore.”

“Exactly, it doesn’t matter. There is that white beard and the red suit and the sleigh pulled by flying reindeer. It is a clear and concise image.”

“Okay, so aliens exist. How come, there hasn’t been any real contact with them?”

“That is really simple because in order for there to be contact it has to be initiated by both parties. There are countless stories of aliens trying to contact earthlings — if you can believe any of this stuff — but there has never been any effort on our part to connect with them.”

This is how his mind works.

It was the end of the conversation and we had reached his house. I couldn’t stay for supper because it was my sister’s birthday and I had to get home.  

I had bought her a necklace and wrapped it up in really bright pink paper with a ribbon and a bow. I handmade a card and even was going to hug her. She was three years older and a real pain in the butt as sisters go getting all bossy, but I did love her.

“I think we should try and contact the aliens.”

“Sure, but don’t know how you would do it.”

“Give it some thought.”

“I will.”

We parted with the usual secret best friends goodbye signal that no one else was allowed to use or death would strike them down.

I raced home just in time. 

“Hey, mom, I’m home.”

“I heard. How was your day with Rufus?”

“The usual, you know intellectually stimulating.”

She smiled. 

“Are you excited about giving your sister the present you bought her?”

“Oh, for sure and I know that she will like it.”

“I don’t always get you two. One minute you are like all love and the next minute you are screaming and ready to kill one another.”

“It’s the hormones, mom.”

“The hormones?”

“Yeah, the hormones that cause all types of problems.”

“I see.”

I went to my room.  

About five minutes later, Rufus contacted me.

“The best way to contact the aliens is to say something really bad about them.”

“How do you know they will read it?”

“Because they monitor everything we do.”

“Okay.”

I had to do it after supper.

My mother had ordered Chinese takeout because that is what my sister Michelle wanted and then there was the cake and time for presents.  

“I know you are going to like this.”

She smiled at me and opened it slowly with style. I made her cry. She hugged me and almost broke my back.

Later on after all of the festivities were over, I went into my room and thought about what Rufus had said. So I posted a message on social media that went something like this: ‘If there are aliens out there then they are big chickens. Why don’t they contact us in some way? Maybe they are scared that they are our intellectual inferiors.’

There were a number of responses and a couple of days went by.

Since, I didn’t get the reaction I was hoping for, it was time to push the envelope.

“Yeah the aliens are a bunch of wusses. They are scaredy cats and just too insecure to contact us humans. They are intimidated by our intellect and greatness. We are winners and they are losers.” 

There was no immediate reaction. What I didn’t know is that a certain militant alien race had picked up on it. They were preparing to attack. They weren’t stupid and were far more advanced compared to us puny humans.

And then one morning it happened just like in the movies. There were tens of thousands of alien spaceships floating above every country on the planet. They were pissed off and wanted war.

There was no such thing as retaliation or getting ready for battle. They had made every nuclear missile, every jet fighter, every tank, every gun, every weapon on the face of the planet disappear.

There was panic and chaos across the planet. Sirens were wailing and everyone was running around like a bunch of excited humans.

And then it happened.

The aliens contacted us and said: “We would like to talk to a certain Eric Followsowrth from Detroit, Michigan.”

That was me. 

Our street became overcrowded and my mother flipped out.

“Eric what did you do now?”

I was afraid to answer that question.

The head alien was waiting outside in the front yard. There was a huge laser machine pointed at the house.  

“I have to go.”

“You can’t go out there. Are you crazy?”

“Mom, I have to save humanity.”

So, I walked out with my hands up.

“I am Eric Followsowrth. What can I do for you?”

The head alien who’s name was Gulp emerged from the lead spaceship. The name was appropriate because when I saw him I gulped not one, not twice, but three times. Damn that was one mean ass looking, intimidating alien.

“You have insulted every alien race with your juvenile comments. Now do you have something to say before we annihilate your planet?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be fair to kill billions of innocent people just because of my big yap.”

Gulp stood like at least two stories tall. I mean this dude was wild scary.

“This is true. So, we will take you back to our planet where you will undergo a trial and then if found guilty will be sentenced to the proper punishment.”

“Well, I would but my schedule is rather cluttered the next few weeks.”

He didn’t even crack a smile. I’m not sure he was capable of smiling.

“That answer is inefficient.”

“You will come with us immediately.”

“Can I say goodbye to my mom and dad and sister?”

“You humans are so sentimental.”

I turned and my parents were standing there in disbelief. My sister was still in bed. How could someone be sleeping with all of this going on?  

I walked toward my parents and they shielded me with their body.

“You will not take our son.”

“Yes, I am totally afraid of your defiance. I only have fifty-million warships at my command capable of destroying the entire universe.”

“You will do it over my dead body.”

Gulp shook that massive head and it reminded me of my grandmother’s Sant Bernard, Cosmos after a swim shaking the water out of his massive head.

“Step aside.”

My mom was defiant.

He raised that laser and I screamed.

“Mom, no, don’t be so stubborn.”

Just then, Michelle emerged from her princess slumber.

“Hey, what is going on? Who is that ugly alien dude?”

A lead ball fell in the pit of my stomach.

“Maybe we will take both of them.”

“What is going on here?” She sounded completely impatient.

“I wrote some nasty comments about aliens and they came here to even the score. They are going to take me back to their planet and give me a fair trial.”

“Yeah, right, like that is going to happen. Look, alien dude, this little mouthy pest is my brother. He can be incredibly annoying and there are times I want to just smack him one like you wouldn’t believe. But, at the end of the day we love each other.”

She winced at that word.

“Yesterday, it was my birthday and he bought me this necklace. It is beautiful and I know that underneath all the taunting and teasing and nonsense, he loves me with his heart. So if you think you are going to take him away, you’re wrong.”

Gulp couldn’t believe it.

“Do you think that I really care what some suburbanite earthling has to say?”

“You know what your problem is? You aren’t attractive to the ladies. I know your type. You look and lust and want but when it comes time to actually do something right or say something cool, you get all tongue tied. Why is that?  Because you can’t think with your heart when it counts. You think with whatever tool you have that gives you thrills.”

“Is that so little girl?”

“Yeah, that is so. And, I am not a little girl. I am a young woman and don’t you forget it. Now get your pathetic self into that butt ugly spaceship and zoom back to your little planet and go and find something to do. Because, you aren’t going to take my brother away.”

Gulp stood there and cracked a smile.

“I’m really sorry that I said all those things. But my friend Rufus claimed that there were aliens and we had this long debate and he said the only way to prove they existed and would contact us humans is if you got their attention. So, I said some bad things about you and presto, you and a few million friends are here.”

“Maybe, I didn’t make myself clear enough. Get out!”

She was screaming and pointing her finger at Gulp. It was the same tone she used when she was ushering me out of her private domain known as her room.

I thought he was going to crush her.

I thought he was going to obliterate her.

I thought he was going to wipe out the human race.

But he just shrugged his massive shoulders and gave this signal. Gulp got back into the spaceship and then zoomed away. In a matter of minutes all of the spaceships were gone the last one fading away.

Okay, so that’s the story of a mistake I made.

I apologized to the entire planet through social media. You would think I would be a hero with all of the weapons taken from the planet. But that just meant that every country would have to restock. It would do wonders for the world economy, but created a huge mess.

I am not sure how to make amends to the people on the planet. But, like they say there is a price for every action in life.

My sister became a huge celebrity. Everyone claimed she was this great heroine for scaring the aliens away. She was made queen of the planet and received more attention than any one human being ever achieved in the history of humankind.

What did I get?

They took a world vote and to make amends to what I did, I had to serve my sister and be her fetch it boy for a whole year.

I wonder if I piss off Gulp again he will come and get me to get out of this prison sentence?