A Selfish Squirrel

The world I lived in before was hard, but in a different way. Rushing to find the next coffee shop to fuel my belly with the next double latte and danish. Climbing the ladder at my job while kicking it down for those who were climbing behind me. Not giving up my seat to the poor old lady on the subway because I found it easier to respond to emails while sitting. It was cut-throat out there in the big city and I loved it. Not much room to wait for the next bus or worry about someone else's feelings.

That was the life I had built and I got there by being, well, a dick. The thing that still surprises me the most to this day is how quickly it was taken from me. I still don't quite understand it. I had worked so hard to bring value to my name; a reputation. To have a PDF file of success attached to myself that gave me some strong sense of meaning and it was gone in a split second, and then.. nothing.

Now I wasn't really one to be religious or anything. I mean, I was raised Catholic and went to church here and there, but never really considered identifying as religious. Reincarnation on the other hand, I had just assumed was some poppycock, Buddhist belief that gave hippies and hitchhikers a pass to smoke copious amounts of marijuana and take LSD on a Wednesday night, but I now stand corrected.

I don't remember stepping out on the street that day. I must've been in a rush, or late. I don't try and dwell on it now, but I know that I was buried in my own self importance to notice that Civic coming straight at me. A fucking Honda Civic. Why couldn't it have been a Porsche or a Lambo? I would've felt better about that, but whatever, its over now.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a tree. My hands small and hairy, feet gangly and bony, and my ass had a tail, fluffy and long that seemed to have a mind of its own. Twitchy and sporadic like, I examined myself in disbelief.

I came back as a squirrel. A goddamn squirrel.

I immediately started scrounging. It was my first direct instinct. I couldn't understand why, but I needed to move and move fast. As I peeked through the leaves in the tree I was in, I saw a giant drop a piece of hotdog bun on the ground. I bolted down the side of the tree, amazed at how agile and quick I was. I hit the sidewalk and started dodging through legs and shoes that looked like buildings and skyscrapers. I was almost at my yeasty destination when a pair of heels the size of a three story house came crashing down an inch away from me almost impaling my tiny body. As I tucked and rolled out of the way, I noticed another squirrel had beat me.

He glanced at me and said, "Too late dick! Get your head in the game!"

Whatever, I hate mustard anyways.

I decided my best bet was to hit the nearest park.

The trek was quite treacherous, but I made it. As soon as I got there, it was a hell of a shock. A battleground of squirrels, pigeons, mice, rabbits, and ducks. All fighting for the same thing; food.

I had to learn and learn fast. I hit garbage bins, plastic bags, trees, tall grass, even the river banks. I climbed into other squirrels nests and stole stashes, and fought those pigeon bastards for seeds, ducks for bread. By the end of the day I was beat and the only thing I had recovered was a measly old sunflower seed I found underneath a bird bath.

I decided I needed somewhere to sleep and started looking for a tree. My goal was to get high enough that I could enjoy my sunflower seed in peace. So I started searching.

The first tree I focused on was a colossal oak tree directly in the middle of a clear patch in the park. As I made my way up it, I quickly understood that I wasn't the first one to have this idea.

"Hey! Get the hell out of here! Are you new!?"

"Find your own spot bud, this ones taken."

"Listen pal, if you think there's room here you're mistaken."

Every inch of that tree was being used and abused by many hairy bodies.

That's when I heard a familiar voice call out to me.

"Hey hotdog! Come here for a minute!"

It was the bun thief. The guy who stole my hotdog bun while I was busy not dying. I swallowed my pride and made my way up.

He was sitting comfortably at the very end of a long branch that seemed very far out of reach from anyone else. Very tactical. I admired that.

"Don't be shy man come here. I've got some of that bun left for you if you want it."

I sat beside him and he handed me a healthy chunk of bread.

"I'm Terry. Sorry about earlier eh? First come first serve am I right? What's your name? How did you end up here?"

"My name is Adam." I said reluctantly. "And I don't really know! I remember stepping out onto the street and the last thing I saw was a car coming straight for me."

"A car eh!?" he exclaimed, as if I had one a prize. "I fell off my balcony piss drunk while celebrating a big sale I had made for myself. And Donny down there got stabbed and mugged by some kid outside of Starbucks." he looked at me devilish like and whispered "Watch this."

He looked down and yelled, "Hey Pumpkin Spice!" and an angry voice yelled back.

"Fuck off Terry!"

Laughing he looked back at me and said "See? We've all died or been killed someway or another. You're lucky yours was quick! I've heard some real horror stories. So what were you? Wall-street? A shady Lawyer? I was in real estate and fucked over a lot of good people."

I told him I was Wall-Street and he laughed and said "You poor sack! You were probably worth millions!"

We continued on through the night talking and munching our hotdog bun. He told me how everyone around us was damned to this life because of what we were and what we did. Whether it be stealing from the rich or the poor. We were all selfish bastards only looking out for ourselves, and now we're forced to do it everyday. Bickering over the tiniest morsels of food.

I fight and argue everyday with my snot-nosed hairy and feathered friends over tree buds, flowers, seeds, nuts, and bread and finally have confidently come out on top. I've made a pretty good life for myself out here in the park. I've got a big tree to call home and a reputation that will scare even the hawks.

And now that I reflect it makes sense. It is basically the same life I was living except instead of a paycheque its acorns, and instead of lattes its puddles, and instead of coworkers, its coyotes.

A cursed life brought by the results of our former.

Don't be a selfish squirrel folks, because you may very well come back as one.