Twisted logic

Tuesday January 2nd

Dear diary,

I did it! I got the job! All my hard work is finally paying off! There aren’t enough exclamation points in the world to describe how happy I am!!!!!! There is no time to celebrate however, because Im supposed to meet up with my first client next Friday. I have so much to do before then. I have to get new clothes(cause girls go crazy for a sharp dressed man), new equipment, and I think I need to register with the state. I’m not sure if I should be a corporation or an LLC? Does this mean I have to pay in quarterly? Anywhoo, I can figure that out tomorrow. I just need to get some rest and let it all sink in. I’ll do some online shopping this evening to wind down.

This could be it. This job could cement my place in life!

Friday January 5th

Dear diary,

So, an interesting development happened today. My employer( whose name I still do not know) informed me that I don’t have to register with the state or pay taxes. Apparently, killing people is illegal even if the government is paying you to do it. So, no tax filing required.

I must say this really upset me. I mean, I’m sort of glad I don’t have to file taxes and pay in quarterly, but I just spent 15,000 dollars on suits and weapons assuming they would be tax deductible. They aren’t! Plus I thought of a spectacular business name I won’t get to use. ‘Drop ‘Em Like Its Hot’ LLC. Another genius idea out the window!

This whole thing doesn’t sit right with me! I feel like if your going to kill people for money, you should at least go through the effort of starting a business. This way the customer knows that they aren’t being murdered by some classless loser who’s going to ransack their place when the job is done. Rather, they have the reassurance that their life is being taken by a professional and a gentleman. But alas, I must be subject to sneaking around like a common thief, never taking credit for a job well done, and avoiding leaving a business card for the clients family. I think I’ll have a glass of 12 year Macallan to drown my sorrows.

Thursday January 11th

Dear diary,

Did you know that half of the world lives on less the 10 dollars a day?! That’s awful! Here I was complaining about my job when there are those breaking their backs for one McDonald’s meal. Whereas I’m getting payed 10,000 dollars to kill one man. I’ll never complain about my job again. There are many in the world who would be willing to die for 10,000 dollars. So who am I to complain.

However, I refuse to go about this line of work like a psychopathic oaf who just kills for fun. I will treat my clients with respect and dignity and dress in a way that brings honor to me and my profession. I don’t care if I am supposed to be invisible, I will not treat people with less honor than they deserve. Tomorrow I make my mark not only on this profession, but on the world!

Friday January 12th

Dear diary,

I ran over a squirrel this morning! It was awful! The poor thing was just simply trying to cross the road to store his nuts in a tree, when I ran him over like a savage! I had to stop and see if I could render any aid, but it was too late. I carefully cradled him in my bosom and hummed a sweet melody as his breath left his lungs. I then buried him in a random persons garden. This day was supposed to be special but it was marred by this tragic event.

Oh the job went good by the way. In and out in 5 minutes. I stuck to my guns too. They had gorgeous white and grey speckled carpeting and I took the time to remove my shoes so that I wouldn’t stain it. I’m sure, if the they could speak, the client would have thanked me for being so professional and efficient.

Saturday February 11th

Dear diary,

I am sorry, but I don’t have much time to write today. I am being sent to France for my next job. I will meet the client Monday evening. I am hoping that I will be able to enjoy a couple days exploring, but we shall see. Work first, pleasure second!

By the way, it turns out that Daniel Crag is not my employer. I will find out what is name is though, and when I do find it, we will become friends!

Sunday February 12th

Dear diary,

Good news. I finished my job early! I ran into my client at a small rotisserie shop in Nice. I ordered the 1/2 Poulet Gros( half a chicken) and he ordered the couscous. Couscous is super fun to say and is absolutely to die for! My client would no doubt agree wholeheartedly!

With my work done, I now have at least 1 and half days to explore Nice! I think I’ll get some gelato and the walk to the promenade. Maybe I’ll meet a French beauty on they way! I hope so.

This might be a bit early to say but I am loving this job! I mean I get a payed vacation in France after 10 minutes of work! How awesome is that?!

Wednesday September 1st,

Dear diary,

As you may know, I don’t really have the opportunity to get to know my clients very well. It feels kind of cheap to be honest. Just an in and out sort of deal without even a “how are you” or “nice weather we’re having”. So, I have decided that at the next job I do, I will take some time to ask thought provoking questions to get to know what’s deep inside the individual. Hopefully my efforts to get to know them will keep the job interesting and help leave the client in a state of peace and tranquillity.

Friday September 3rd,

Dear diary,

So I tried it, and I must say that some people just have no moral compass! I asked the client a thought provoking question. I asked him, if he was on a sinking ship and there was only one 3 person lifeboat left, and Taylor Swift, Adele, and Beyoncé and you were the last 4 people, who would you leave on the ship? And you know what that boot licking, fart sniffer said?!! He said he would leave Taylor!! He would sacrifice Tay Tay!! I couldn’t believe it. A real man would sacrifice himself, NOT TAY TAY!

I knew he was trouble when I walked in but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But after his answer, I just said sweet dreams and then set fire to the rain!

Saturday December 31st

Dear diary,

The year is almost over. And what a year it has been. Business is booming, I've traveled the world, ate amazing food, weaponized a duck, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg! But somehow, I still feel empty. I mean I’m happy I’m good at my job, but nobody ever leaves a 5 star google or yelp review for me. Nobody ever thanks me for my hard work. As a matter of fact, most people I come across while working say the most awful things to me. They yell and swear and are just downright ornery. One lady even insulted my mother! That’s just uncalled for! She doesn’t know my mother! I never really knew my mom either, but I’m sure she was a good person and had strong morals. I understand that nobody enjoys being killed but that is no excuse to be rude!

I don’t know what to do. I’m making more money than I have ever wanted and I’m doing something I excel at. But what’s the point of it all if your still all alone and nobody appreciates you. Nobody has my back, not even my employer(I finally found out what his name is and when I tried to follow him on instagram he threatened to kill me). Not to mention, I keep getting this weird feeling in my chest. It’s the same feeling I had when I was 7 and stole my brothers allowance to purchase cookies. But why do I have that feeling now? I buy my own cookies, and I don’t steal! So why do I have this excessive cookie guilt?

Maybe I’m going about things the wrong way. Maybe I should get a cat. A cat could be fun. But I’m not sure it would travel well…….. I’m probably just tired. Hopefully, I’ll know the answers after a good nights rest.

But first, I must find a nice place for my clients body. Collapsed in a heap on the kitchen floor is not a way to be found by one’s family! I’ll prop him up in a chair and give him a cigar. Nothing says classy like a cigar!