Skyros

Odysseus looked at the island Skyros and felt anxious about what he would soon have to do. Calm down, he told himself, just follow the plan and everything will be okay. He kept repeating that to himself, but he had trouble believing it. Even the best plans can go wrong, and his mission to Skyros was evidence of that.

Noticing his expression, the medic asked, “Are you okay, Odysseus? You don’t look okay.”

“I’m fine,” Odysseus lied, “just feeling a little seasick.”

“No, I can tell it’s something more than that. You’re thinking about your wife, aren’t you? You’re thinking about Penelope.”

“Yes,” he said hesitantly, “I miss her.”

Odysseus missed his wife tremendously, but that’s not what was on his mind. What was on his mind was how he got into this mess in the first place. Menelaus had summoned all the men who had sworn an oath to him to join him in a war, and while Odysseus wasn’t adverse to the idea of cracking some skulls, an oracle had told him that leaving to fight the war would mean he wouldn’t return in a very long time.

When Odysseus heard this prophecy, he was heartbroken. His wife had just given birth to their son, and leaving would mean not being able to see him grow, teach him how to shave, or tell him about the harpies and the manticores (Odysseus was still working on the sex metaphor). His initial plan was to hide somewhere in the palace and have the servants say that he wasn’t home, but his wife pointed out that the plan probably wouldn’t work after a day. So another plan was made.

To avoid getting drafted into the war, Odysseus pretended to be batshit crazy, and there is nothing more batshit crazy than messing up your fields. When the recruiters came to his home, he made sure to connect his plow to a donkey and an ox, which was not the efficient way to plow. Seeing Odysseus do this managed to convince his visitors that he was legitimately mad. That and Odysseus’s ramblings about Helios’s Sun Chariot being a ball of gas, but it was mostly the plowing that did it.

The plan was working well, until it didn’t. The recruiters were about to leave, but the one named Palamedes wasn’t buying Odysseus’s madness. At least that’s how he justified putting Odysseus’s son in front of the plow. Odysseus of course had to avoid hitting his son, and thus exposed himself as a sane man. Odysseus had to wonder how sane Palamedes was to be willing to risk killing a baby, but he sensed that saying that out loud wouldn’t help his case. 

To Odysseus’s surprise, Agamemnon wasn’t angry and was instead impressed by the trick. To the king, it was proof that Odysseus had a sharp intellect, so he gave him an important task: find Achilles. 

Agamemnon had found out that Achilles was hidden on Skyros and was disguised as a daughter of the island’s king. The problem was he wasn’t sure which of the daughters was actually Achilles. So Agamemnon had sent Odysseus to find the disguised warrior, reasoning that it would be an easy task for a man such as Odysseus. Which would have been solid reasoning, other than the fact that Odysseus wasn’t even the one to have come up with the plowing plan, it was Penelope. 

Odysseus saw his wife as the true brains of the operation, and it wasn’t just the praise of a doting husband. Penelope was a very clever woman and was often the one to make most of the important decisions. No one knew this, because if they did, Odysseus’s reputation would have been ruined. So now he was about to go to Skyros and do a task he wasn’t at all capable of doing. 

The ship landed, and Odysseus and the others began their trek to the home of Lycomedes, king of Skyros. On their walk to the king’s home, Odysseus kept reassuring himself that all would go well if he followed Penelope’s plan. And if that wouldn’t work? Well, Penelope hadn’t told him what to do then, but his idea was to ask the king if he could strip his daughters to check for a penis and hope the king wouldn’t kill him for the request. Odysseus really hoped Penelope’s plan would work. 

Odysseus and the others arrived and were greeted by Lycomedes. “Welcome,” the king said warmly, “how can I help you?”

“We were hoping you could help us find Achilles,” Odysseus said.

“Achilles? Why would Achilles be here?”

Odysseus sighed. He knew that the king would feign ignorance, but he was still disappointed. “We have heard rumors that he would be hidden here.”

“I can assure you that if Achilles is here, I have no idea where he could have hid. I’m sorry to let you down, but that’s the truth.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Odysseus said, forcing himself to smile. “But I do have a request.”

The king raised his eyebrow. “A request?”

“Yes.” Odysseus snapped his fingers, signaling his men to bring out the boxes. “It would mean a lot if you let us give your beautiful daughters these gifts.”

Lycomedes didn’t seem to suspect a trick and summoned his daughters to join him. Odysseus watched the daughters walk in and was immediately dejected by what he saw. All of the daughters that had walked in looked nearly identical to one another. Odysseus tried to search for one face that stood out in the crowd, but he was completely unable to. I guess Agamemnon’s information was faulty, he thought. But there’s no use of leaving now. I’ll have to continue with the plan and see what happens.

The daughters opened the chests and were enamored by what they saw. The chests were filled with all sorts of necklaces, rings, and jewelry. They were so distracted by the wealth that only one of them seemed to notice that a spear was included in the gifts as well.

The excited chattering of the girls was cut short by a sound of a battle horn. Everyone in the room froze, not at all expecting an attack. Only one person in the room was able to act, and miraculously it was one of Lycomedes’s daughters, the same one to have noticed the spear before her sisters. She plucked the weapon out of the chest and looked prepared to fight.

Odysseus couldn’t believe his eyes. Not only had Penelope’s plan worked, Agememnon was right. Achilles had hidden himself on the island. Odysseus broke out of his trance when he heard Lycomedes shout, “Guards! Prepare for battle!”

“Wait!” Odysseus said. Everyone in the room turned to look at him. “That battle horn was a false alarm. I asked one of my men to do it.”

“What?” the king said. “Why would you do that?”

Odysseus pointed to the girl holding a spear. “Because that is Achilles in disguise!”

The room erupted into chatter and the girl holding the spear looked very pale. “Don’t be ridiculous!” Lycomedes said. “How can one of my daughters be Achilles? Achilles is a guy, and as you can see, my daughter is not a guy.” Turning to his daughter holding the spear, he asked, “You aren’t a guy, right?”

She shook her head.

“See! My daughter can’t be Achilles!”

“Really?” Odysseus said. “If your ‘daughter’ truly is a woman, how come she was first to react to the battle horn? And the first to grab a weapon? Would a real woman do either of those things?”

The king looked thoughtful. “That is true.”

“Father!”

“Now, now. Odysseus does have a point...um-”

“Issa,” the girl informed.

“Right, Issa. Odysseus does have a point. Women aren’t the type to charge into battle. And now that he mentions it, it does seem like I’ve had one more daughter running around lately.”

“You mean you don't know how many daughters you have?” Odysseus asked.

“Hey, you try keeping track of over ten kids while being king,” Lycomedes said defensively. 

Right then, two more walked into the room. Odysseus turned and saw that one was a nearly identical clone of Lycomedes’s other daughters, while the other had red hair. In fact, she was the only in the room to have red hair. Also she had some of the biggest muscles Odysseus had ever seen. The redheaded girl and Lycomedes’s daughter walked into the room holding hands, giggling with each other.

“Sorry we were late, Father,” the redheaded woman said with a deep voice. “Me and Deidamia were...preoccupied.”

The two giggled harder and Deidamia kept hitting her “sister” on the arm, saying how bad she was. Everyone stared at the two’s display, all except Lycomedes, who didn’t seem to notice the obvious sexual tension between his daughters.

“Um, Odysseus,” the medic whispered, “I’m pretty sure that’s Achilles.”

Odysseus was inclined to agree. But one thing held him back: the woman with red hair wasn’t here when the battle horn had been blown. Odysseus was plagued with self-doubt. How would he know if the redheaded woman would have grabbed the spear, like Penelope predicted the real Achilles would do? 

“Okay, here’s the plan,” Odysseus said, “since those two weren’t here before, we’ll redo the test.”

“Wouldn’t the test be pointless then?” one of the king’s daughters pointed out. “We already know that there isn’t a real battle going on, and that grabbing the spear will make you think we’re Achilles.”

“Yes, of course. Um…” Odysseus was starting to sweat. He had no idea what else to do. His gut told him that the redheaded woman with the muscles was Achilles, but his wife’s plan told him that the one who grabbed the spear was Achilles. He took a deep breath. I can do this, he told himself.

“I know who the real Achilles is,” Odysseus announced. He pointed to Issa. “That is the true Achilles!”

Everyone looked questioningly at him. “But, Odysseus, how can you tell that Issa is the true Achilles?” the medic asked.

“Why it’s elementary, my dear medic. I know Issa is the true Achilles and not the redheaded woman because of one key detail: their breasts.”

“What?”

“Look at them! The redheaded girl clearly has breasts, but Issa is flat as a board. Clearly Issa is Achilles in disguise!”

Issa was so shocked that she couldn’t utter a single word. The medic meanwhile didn’t look convinced by the logic. “Odysseus, I’m pretty sure the redheaded girl’s ‘breasts’ are her pecs.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, medic, women don’t have pecs!” Odysseus said. The medic was about to say something, but was interrupted by Odysseus. “Okay, men, let’s get Achilles on the ship. The war can’t start without him.”

Issa regained her ability to speak and turned to the king. “Father! You can’t let them do this!”

Lycomedes shrugged. “Hey, Odysseus is making some good points. If you’re really a girl, how come your boobs are so small?”

Issa went back to being speechless. She made no resistance as Odysseus and his men led her to their ship. 

Well, that wasn’t so bad, Odysseus thought. Maybe being a strategist isn’t so hard after all.

Back on a different island called Ithaca, Odysseus’s wife shivered. She didn’t know why, but all of a sudden she worried for her husband’s safety. And, while she wouldn't admit this to anyone, she began worrying who her son would take more after.