The bull was in the morning

Cold. Wet. Cold and wet. That’s all I feel. And a sudden urge to breathe. Air, I need air. My lungs are burning. They are screaming for air. I open my eyes. They sting. I try to scream but I can’t. Water fills my mouth and I feel like choking. I am underwater. I start waving my arms around trying to get my head above. I can’t. My heart is pounding and my lungs are endlessly screaming. I hear drums. The kind of rhythm, African tribes perform in rituals. And they get louder. Louder and louder soon my entire skull is vibrating. I try to scream one more time. Only air bubbles come out. I desperately wave my arm and legs around in despair. And then silence. And blackness. It all stops.

I wake up. A bright, white light blinds me. I squint my eyes but immediately give up. The light is way too blinding but it’s warm and I like it. I smile, a defeated smile because I am drained. Suddenly I feel some sort of pressure in my left ear. It’s really annoying. I shake my head, but it only gets worse. A piercing sound is to be heard. I scream in agony. It hurts and I keep shaking my head until I get dizzy. I press my hands against my ears in the hope it would stop, but it doesn’t. Something is dripping out of my ears. It’s warm and it’s leaking down my neck. Blood. I shiver. It hurts, it all hurts. The piercing sound is so loud, I can’ t hear my screams. I start throwing punches at my head. It doesn’t stop and I feel like fainting. I throw myself aggressively in bed. Desperately I convulse in my silky, burgundy sheets. I open my eyes and all I can see is burgundy. I am being swallowed by my sheets. Again I can’t breathe. And it’s hot. So incredibly hot. I am sweating. Soon my white pajamas are soaking wet. Everything around me is spinning and I feel dizzy. The shrieking sound turned into a locomotive’s whistling. And it’s getting louder. Added to that, I hear the rhythm of the rusty metal wheels clonking against the rails. Over and over again. At first, it’s fast, then it starts slowing down. Gradually the rhythm turns into a clock’s ticking. It is soothing. Minutes go by, without me opening my eyes. I just listen to the ticking.

I feel the wind blowing in my face. I open my eyes and see a giant, golden pendulum. It is so perfectly polished, that I see my reflection in it. It swings madly wide and I feel the urge to touch it. I try to move my hand but I am tied up. Both of my hands are immobilized so I just watch the golden metal go from right to left and back. I follow it with my eyes. It goes back and forth. Back and forth. The gold is shining and reflecting all kinds of shapes from around. I’m thirsty, that’s all I know. My throat is burning, which makes me uncomfortable. I want to get out. But the pendulum rocks back and forth. Back and forth. Never stopping, never being late. Always on time. I reach out with my left, this time I am not chained anymore. Everything seems to slow down. Gradually, until the piece of metal reaches me, it stops completely. So I reach out more. It seems as if it’s getting further. I keep stretching. Then my palm meets the metal. It’s cold and I shiver. A contour of steam forms around my hand. I keep my palm pressed against the cold pendulum. My palm gets colder, I seem to not be able to take my hand back. Something keeps me hooked. I just wait for something to happen. Or maybe just for something. So I wait, patiently, my palm against the gigantic gold, my body to the wooden rail.

At some point, I start pressing harder and harder. It feels rubbery and I notice my hand sinking into the metal slowly. Almost unnoticeably. The rail between me and the empty is pressing my stomach. Out of nowhere, it disappears. And I fall. The distance doesn’t seem to get any shorter. And I fall. I start swirling around in the air. And I fall. Almost feeling it will never stop. Then I see the ground. But my speed isn’t giving in. It keeps getting closer and closer until I hit it. It all goes black.

I wake up in bed. My rough sheets wrapped around me. I feel home. I get up in an instance but when my feet touch the ground, my left leg gives out and I fall. I massage it a bit, but it feels sore. It gets me thinking, but not for long. I get up and go to the common kitchen to drink my coffee. The sun is shining, so I take my morning routine to the garden. It’s a warm summer day. I have a beautiful hammock installed in the backyard, so I decide to relax for some time. I lay down and start swinging. Softly. A warm summer breeze blowing. I close my eyes and just listen. The birds chirping, the leaves rustling, the tree crackling. Somewhere in the distance, there is a dog whining. I don’t give it too much thought. I concentrate on the birds, the leaves, the trees. The birds, the leaves, the trees. The birds, the leaves, the trees. But there is a clandestine sound crawling its way into my peace. I try to ignore it. Birds, leaves, trees. Birds, leaves, trees. But the sound is bugging me. I squint in a desperate effort to block it out, but I find it impossible. I get chills down my spine. It’s the sound that resembles the walking through the swamp. Big leather boots squishing through wet ground, dirt making it’s way even in the tightest spots, gluing onto the sole and laces. It makes you shudder.

I can smell fresh cut grass and the wet dirt. Out of nowhere, I feel something crawling up my right hand. I open my eyes and see a worm. His slim body is moving rhythmically towards my shoulder. He is synchronized with the sound. He IS the sound. His body goes up and down and forward, up and down and forward. I shiver again and quickly shake it off. I glug. There is something in the far distance. It looks like a bull, a black bull. But it is far away, so I don’t see it very clearly. I squint my eyes. The bull is eating grass. Rhythmically it bows it’s head and then raises it to chew. Then it turns around. There is something odd about its head. I squint my eyes more and shiver in disgust. Half of the head is chopped off. You can see the yellowish bone coming out of the leftover skin. There is blood squirming out in slow motion. Drop by drop the grass underneath the bull gets redder. A deathly silence spreads over the surroundings. I can almost hear the blood dripping. I feel drawn to the animal. Quietly I get off the hammock. A small rock pokes my bare foot. The ground is hot.

I start moving towards the black bull, never letting him go out of sight, never changing the pace. As I get closer, the smell of rotten flesh gets more and more pungent. The atmosphere changes. The sun is still shining, but the sky has turned into shades of red and orange. A light cold breeze but the sky has turned into shades of red and orange. A light cold breeze blows a bit aggressively in my face. My eyes are locked on the bull and my speed is constant. One step after another I get closer. Like somebody’s munching, my feet stepped into the damp grass. Suddenly I step into something wet. The sensation only shocks me for a second, then I walk further. Left, right, left, right. A crow flies by and for a split of a second I wake up from my daydreaming. I blink rapidly for a few times and look down at my feet. They are soaking in blood. The bull had been bleeding so much, it had left a trail behind. The molding smell persists. I walk further. Left, right, left, right. I walk near the bull. There is a buzzing sound echoing. Hundreds of flies are flying over the halved head. Now that I had gotten closer to it, I can see its bones. The mandibula is hanging lifeless. The teeth are shades of yellow and orange. There are brown irregular spots all over the skull. Worms are circling the feet. Ants and dark green bugs are crawling up its hooves. There is a stream of insects leading to the bull's ears and mouth. One trail in, one trail out. And the buzzing. And the smell. The bull turns its head towards me, blinks six times and walks away. The black, silky cowhide shining in the light. As I try to walk away I hear trampling behind me. Just as I turn my head around the see, the bull's horns pierce my stomach, swirling me up in the air. I don’t feel any pain nor do I show any emotion. I land on a clover bed. It all goes dark.

I woke up to screaming, the machine guns rattling and the ground shaking. I was laying on my back. The ground beneath me was cold and moist. I looked down and saw my left leg missing. There was blood everywhere. I was in a swamp. Despite the endlessly loud screaming, there was no one around me. It didn’t hurt. Nothing really hurt. I had bruises all over my arms. My nose and ears were bleeding. Bombs were falling from the sky. Rhythmically. Like clock’s ticking. My uniform is dirty, as are my hands and face. The ground was shaking again. Another shell must have hit the ground. I heard screaming and machine guns blasting, I heard water running and flies buzzing. I knew I was close. I had started being delusional. There was so much noise around me, it was almost silent. The swamp was cold and wet but my hands were burning. I was thirsty. So incredibly thirsty. I refused to move even one inch. I lay down on my back, watching the grey, cloudy sky. Then I felt crawling on my right arm. Like a thousand light feet were running up my hand. I didn’t flinch. It must have been a spider. There was nothing I could do. My vision started getting blurry and I was choking with blood. Yet, it didn’t hurt, not a bit. More and more pairs of feet were wandering up my arms. And I just let them. I heard the bells ringing and I knew it was over. The sky was grey and cloudy. Airplanes flying over me, red lights flickering in the distance.