Hell, it's rehab!

Content Warning: Excessive Swearing, Morbid/Disturbing imagery

Seth “Charlie” Bridgeton clapped his hands. The sudden sharp noise startled the members out of their meditation. They all simultaneously raised their heads to the leader.

“Great! Great silent time, guys! Now that you all have brought to mind the horrible atrocities you’ve committed while under the influence of alcohol, let’s talk about it.” He flipped to a page on his clipboard. "Let's see… There are a few new faces joining us. Would they like to introduce themselves?"

The room kept silent, apart from the AC’s loud HURRRMING. Despite Charlie’s best attempts to change the AC’s settings from uncanningly clean (which made him terribly nauseous) to indegionus musty Hell air, none such change was made. That’s what I get for renting a building from a narcissistic asshole, he thought grumpily. If it wasn’t for his mint gum to distract him, he was sure he would have choked the guy to death months ago. Damn hellions. I’m paying y'all rent! Now change the goddamn AC settings already!

He raised his eyes to the circle. Most, if not all, had their heads facing the floor. By the mood of the room, one’d think this was a funeral and not a rehab session. 

Charlie inspected the few who he hadn’t seen before. A girl in dreadlocks flicked her eyes around at the other demons. She accidentally caught the eyes of Charlie. Wrong move, Zyree. Once you lock eyes with the teacher… 

He kept staring, enough for her to get the idea and lifted her head hesitantly.

“Umm,” Zyree hummed. She played with her green dreadlocks nervously. “Hi, everybody… My name is Zyree Cloaken. I've been an a-alcoholic for… I think it was seven years? Yeah, so… … yeah…"

Spare claps filled the empty void of silence. 

After writing on his clipboard, Charlie said, “And, if you don’t mind me asking, what brought you here to my dear establishment?”

“The…well, when I got to H-Hell, I was told that this will be like a…second life of some sort. I have always promised my daughter I was going to give up drinking, but…” She shrugged. “Never came down to it, until now…after I…died…” She covered her face, which garnered a few pity-pats on the back from those closest.

Charlie nodded. “The thing about the afterlife is you get to leave all that stuff behind to start anew. But before that, you have to mend what's left. Think of it like…sunk cost. You invest in something and don’t get anything in return. That is what addiction is. An investment with no benefit. It’s useless. So I need to help you guys cut off that part of yourself with whatever means necessary. Get me?”

Scattered murmurs of reluctant agreement brought the room to a general consensus.

“Thank you for sharing Zyree.” Charlie continued, still writing on his clipboard. “Now, will anyone else like to share?”

A thin kid shot his hand upwards. He was blindingly bright, forcing Charlie to squint his eyes until they were able to adjust. “Yes? And what’s your name, oh golden one?”

“Uh, yeah, my name’s Cody. Cody Gray. And I don’t know if you guys can tell, but I’m actually an angel-”

“Oh, we can tell all right…” A voice grumbled.

“Uh huh. Well, there are no support groups available up in Heaven because Joseph said they are– and I quote– ‘Gay, self-serving wastes of time away from drugs and bad bitches.’ So I had to travel all the way to Hell, sign the non-disclosure agreement, go through the painstaking process of inspection, and rent an apartment that is somehow worse than that of a prostitute ring’s ghetto back alley. Oh, and I was an alcoholic for four years.”

Sparse claps circled the room.

Charlie scribbled on his clipboard. “And Cody, if Hell were to have the same problem of non-existent rehab centers, would you have given up on sobriety?”

“Hell naw! My parents specifically told me If I didn’t stop ‘wasting’ money, that they were going to cut off my allowance. Side note- I’m currently chewing five nicotine gums at the same time, so can we skip to the part where I get sober?”

A bellowing laugh erupted from a giant, red creature. It felt like a miniature earthquake, small, but still capable of destruction. He sat cross-legged on the floor due to his size (Charlie couldn’t find an adequate sized chair that could hold his weight long enough for it not to break or bend). The room watched him in silence as he calmed down from his sudden show of amusement.

Charlie raised his head to the figure in question. “Lucifer, do you have something to say?”

“NO! What, I can’t laugh now without you expecting more from me?” His mouth flapped uncanningly. His head was a literal bull head, so you can’t blame the others when they can’t make eye contact after a single glance. Though, this doesn’t bother non-human demons who’ve never seen a bull in their life.

“It seemed like you were laughing at something Cody had said.” 

“Yeah, I was!”

“Can you tell us what specific part of Cody brought you such laughter?”

“NO!” He leaned forward. “I hate the faery, I hate you, and everybody in this room! The only reason I even willingly attend these meetings is because my boss forced me to. I don't even have a problem, I just OCCASIONALLY drink! Because you people had to overblow it to a ridiculous degree, I have to force myself to come. The other option was being terminated! And right now, I wish I’d have taken that other option because you guys suuuck.” Finally getting it out of his system, Lucy leaned back comfortably.

The room, after a few seconds, turned to their leader in guidance and expectation of what he’d say. Charlie, however, didn’t do anything. Instead, he leaned back in his chair the same way Lucy had done after his confessionary spiel. It was a matter of letting your opponent consider and muse over what they said beforehand. Feel the eyes of those around you after making a show of your emotions. Feel the guilt, embarrassment, and shame against someone who is just trying to help. No matter how one looks at it, you’re the asshole in this situation. 

But before the mood could fully marinate, Cody spoke. “Hey, am I the faery you referred to?”

“YES!” Lucy yelled this so loud it caused the surrounding demons to clutch their ears (those who had ears at least.)

“Wha- That’s a horrible, ignorant stereotype! You should be ashamed!”

Lucifer thumped his fist on the ground. “Do you not know who you’re talking to, pixie?! I am the bringer of destruction, of unimaginable chaos, of immeasurable pain and suffering! Gadots tremble in fear of my mere presence, as do the Trallions. I am the king of Hell; prince of darkness! Be afraid!”

Cody warped his expression from anger to confusion. “You’re the Devil?”

“YES!”

“Why the fuck should I care? I’m not even from Hell in the first place. Also, from what Heaven described you as, I imagined you as a disgusting, repulsing green slob. Guess I was wrong.”

A blubber of intangible sounds emerged from a dark green mass of slime, clearly insulted by Cody’s comment.

“Oh, no offense Slobby McSlobbian. You're pretty cool.” 

Charlie attempted to regain control over the discussion, but was ultimately interrupted by Zyree:

“You know, I thought that too about Lucifer… n-not the slob part. From the bible, I thought he was gonna look a lot scarier…”

Cody looked up at Lucy. “Yeah, you know who you remind me of? Those cheese balls, the- the red packaged cheese with the cow on the package? I forget the name-”

“Babybel!” Zyree exclaimed contently. “It’s Babybel cheese, The Laughing Cow. My daughter loves that brand!”

Those not affected by Lucifer’s threatening aura chuckled at the similarities. It was true; the red fur, the two white horns (though a bit larger) were remarkably similar, even the facial structure. The spot on the nose was black, however, and the eyes weren’t so jolly. Like an emo knockoff.

Knowing Lucy’s temper, Charlie broke up the laughter with a clap. It seemed the saying “actions are stronger than words” holds true as the demons all brought their attention back to him. It’s not as if Charlie was bothered, or even mad for breaking the ice, but he was annoyed. Annoyed for some reason he couldn’t quite describe. Maybe it was the fact that he was gonna have to endure watery eyes (after spending time in clean air, adapting yourself back to regular Hell air, which is full of sulfur, can lead to some unwanted side effects), or maybe the annoying pebble in his boot was finally getting on his last nerve. Either way, he was breaking up this circle-jerk.

“Yes, Lucifer does indeed look like the Babybel mascot-” A few snickers went around the room. “But this is not at all a place of mockery. A few sly remarks are fine, for example, Zyree might look like a sadder, more deformed version of medusa, but we acknowledge the fact that she didn’t choose for her hair to be that way. The part where she actively chooses not to dye her hair out of that ridiculously vomit green is beyond us, and that is what you can make fun of.”

Confusion marked their faces (those who had faces, which Slobby McSlobbian unfortunately didn’t). Zyree frowned, aware of all the stares aiming her way. A noticeably smug smirk creeped onto Lucy’s expression.

Charlie continued, “Cody too. Because he has gone to heaven, we all know that he most likely didn’t do anything more than crush a bug under his thumb, which his family perceived as bad enough to frame him an alcoholic and send him away-”

“WHata hell?! That isn’t true!” Cody interrupted. “I’ve done a lot worse than squash an insect. Call up my dead sister, she'll tell you straight!”

You’re trying to soothe your ego, hippie, and it ain’t working, Charlie thought. 

“Oh grow up pixie!” A malnourished blonde lady, who could still see despite a bandage covering her eyes, pointed a shaky finger at Cody. “Just because you are slightly badder than an average goody-two-shoes in heaven doesn’t give you bragging rights down here! Learn your place and go back to your utopia, asshole.”

Cody stood up. “You sons of bitches don’t even know what goes on up there! I’ll even say you guys have it easier. I-I saw Joseph fuck a decapetated head once!”

The lady crossed her arms (if one listened hard enough you could hear them creak as they bent) “Oh we have it easier? Do you guys have serial rapists? Murderers? Get off your high horse!”

Lucifer hit his fist against the metal wall behind him. “DAMN IT SHUT UP!!” His voice rang through the head of everyone there, indeed, shutting them up. His fist created a crater in the wall, almost reaching through to the outside. Most in the room stared astonishingly at him while others held themselves in preparation for his painful wrath. A few seconds passed in bewildered silence.

“You’re paying for that,” Charlie announced.

“I DON’T NEED TO PAY SHIT.” He bellowed hot air from his nostrils, making the room considerably hotter. Lucy eyed both Cody and the Lady hard. “You motherfuckers think you're all that, well YOU'RE NOT. I’ve seen a hella lot more demons who did a hella lot more than you shitheads be spouting.”

Cody sat down in repressed anger. 

Lady scoffed. “Okay. Tell us one of your stories then, Lucifer. One of your worst. Go.”

“Now hold on,” Charlie interrupted. “Every problem is relative, correct? One’s problem might not be worse than the other in their view. Having said that,” He clapped his hands. “How about we go around the room?”

The room held their tongues. It appeared that in the span of a moment, they've all gone shy after all their big talk.

Lady glanced around and sighed. “I’ll go first then.” She twirled her hair with one bony finger. “Up on the surface, I’ve killed over thirty men by cutting off their dick and balls and letting them bleed to death. Sometimes it took too long, so I’d chop their tongue and their teeth so they could choke to death.” She tilted her head. “I…enjoyed watching them helpless. Like witnessing a sloth being slowly electrocuted on an electric tower. I was never caught, and don’t ever intend to stop.”

All of a sudden, the few men subconsciously became heightengly aware of their precious jewels. They leaned slightly away from her for the rest of the meeting.

Slobby McSlobbian, however, gave a hearty garbled compliment for her wretchedness, which Lady delightfully accepted.

They all went around the room telling their worst story, some not as terrible as Lady’s. Zyree whispered that she died quite young, so the only worst thing she did was lie to her boyfriend about a miscarriage. She honestly didn’t even know why she was sent to hell for a thing so minor. 

Lucifer went next. He gloated how he decimated countless ecosystems on other planets, messed with an innocent person’s life by killing off their entire family (Lucy actually did this numerous times), bombed a few cities in Hell “just to see what would happen,” he planted a plague on earth because he was bored, and finally, had a drink with Hitler. Six times. And he did all this in the span of one week.

Cody shook his head. “Liar Liar pants on fire. You didn’t decimate ecosystems on other planets. That's alien talk.”

“YES I did! Ask Joseph when you go back to your precious Heaven, he was there with me.”

Lady uttered at Cody, “You’re just jealous you don’t have anything to offer. I mean, who else is gonna beat the literal prince of darkness or even be on the same caliber?”

Then, Slobby McSlobbian, who was still to go, answered. What came out of his nonexistent mouth were the most horrible, terrifying, disgusting, volatile things a creature could have done. He garbled away, oh yes he did. He garbled, burbled, spattled, blabbered, and all the other synonyms. The amalgamation of all evil comprised itself into this green slob. Its sole purpose is to destroy any last sane thought. And as he blubbed his last blub, those still functional sat in silence. The newly insane screamed and clutched their heads. Zyree was one of them. She clawed her eyes out aggressively, inciting anyone near her to get her out. Out of where? Who really knows? No one does. Is God even real? What if this is all an illusion? Who really knows? After snapping out of their trance, the few sane in the audience, their fight or flight will activate. Cody chooses fight, as do a few others. They lunge at the green monstrosity, tearing him apart. He doesn’t even attempt to defend himself. His life’s purpose was complete. 

Lady and Lucifer watch the room with bored wisdom. They knew the kind of species Slobby McSlobbian was, so they weren’t affected. 

Charlie sat patiently, waiting the mania out. Slobby McSlobbian was a test– a bomb, if you will. He wanted to see the strong-minded, those with will and resilience. The insane ones failed the test. No more wasting resources on the ones that’ll never change. More for the asylums, keep the change please! Keep the sane ones, will you? Yes. Yes, I will.

Charlie kicked a limp hand off of his shoe and recrossed his legs comfortably. Gazing about the room, he noted the survivors of Slobby McSlobbian’s wrath in his clipboard, right next to the doodles he drew earlier. 

Lucy muttered, “Amateurs,” and spat on a corpse whilst Lady used a nail file to sharpen her already sharpened nails.

Cody and the others, who were entranced by murderous rage just a few seconds earlier, stumbled between fallen bodies to settle back down on their seats. The momentary high leaves a faint sense of disorientation afterwards.

“Now.” Charlie clapped. Once again, the sudden sharp noise effectively snapped them out of their meditative state. “Are you all ready for the actual session?”