"Fungah! Foiled again!"

I can’t go one day without my fiance being kidnapped. Not one. 

I know I sound like the selfish one here. After all, she’s the one being kidnapped, not me. I have nothing to complain about, right? Well, when she does get taken, she gets to live in a nice home with plenty of servants to deliver her exactly what she needs. She has more than enough company, and a nice view. Sure, living with me is a thousand times better, and she absolutely resents the guy who serially abducts her, but she is living comfortably while being held hostage. I, on the other hand, have to go and fight a tremendous, overdramatic battle that seems as though it should be ridiculously weighed in my favor and yet hardly ever ends in that way. You’d think a small, notorious, Italian plumber would be easy to beat, but he’s far too good at acrobatics for a man his size and always seems to find some convenient loophole to defeat me. 

I know poor Peach hates Mario with the entirety of her being. I know she would do anything to keep him as far away from her as possible at all times. So sure, maybe it makes me selfish to be thinking this way. But, what I wouldn’t give to spend one glorious Sunday without fighting that menace of a man. 

In order to properly explain my dilemma, I should start from the beginning. You see, I thought I was happy before Peach came along. After all, I seemed to have everything I could ever want. The perfect life, so to speak. With seven different kingdoms, hundreds of castles all ruled by all varieties of my distant cousins so only my bloodline reigns supreme. I threw lavish parties, everything I could ever yearn for handed to me on a silver platter. I mastered both good and dark magic, and used both for my benefit. I had no one dragging me down, no one I cared enough about to sacrifice for. I had brought glory to the Koopa people as their rightful, all-powerful, fire-breathing king. I had it all. Or so I thought. The day I attempted to invade Mushroom Kingdom my world changed completely. 

Mushroom Kingdom is the only kingdom in all of Mushroom World not ruled by me. The Toadstool family has governed it for centuries. All of the Toad species live there, and ruling over the Toads would be a tremendous asset. They are phenomenal guides, servants, and trickers. I wanted them, so I would take them. That is, until I met their acting ruler, Princess Peach Toadstool. 

From the moment I saw her, I knew how special she truly was. That silky blonde hair, those dazzling blue eyes that shine like diamonds on her perfect, glass-like face, those pretty pink lips resting above her pointed chin, she was then and is now the epitome of angelic. At first, I tried my best not to be bewitched by her beauty. I approached her and demanded she hand me her kingdom. It was then I got a glimpse of her personality. She scoffed, said I must be insane if I thought she was going to hand me her people, and to buzz off if I knew what was good for me. No one had ever stood up to me in such a way before. Usually, they were trembling in fear at my sight. It was official, I was head over heels for this girl. 

How couldn’t I be? She’s determined, headstrong, manipulative, calculating, stubborn, and very brave. When I attempted to take over her kingdom, she met me with such daring ultimatums that I had no choice but to submit to alliance with her. Not another soul had ever dared to speak to me like she did. Honestly, at that moment, I really just wanted to be her friend. I wanted to be so much more than that, even then. Despite being as maniacal and manipulative as I, she can be so loving to the people she truly cares to defend. I knew then and I knew now that for all eternity I would love everything about her.

That day I left her kingdom peacefully. During the following months, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get her out of my head. I was shocked when I received a letter from her, politely thanking me for leaving her to rule her kingdom in peace. She also mentioned that she was impressed with me and all I had accomplished. I was beyond flattered, I’m sure my cheeks were turning a bit rosy as I read it. I don’t know why I did it, but I sent back a message containing a few casual questions. A few days later, she replied to them. It took a few years of us exchanging letters back and forth between our kingdoms before I found the courage to ask her out on a real date. To my surprise, she said yes. I took her to the Honeyhive Galaxy to have a lunch picnic. I made sure to provide all her favorite foods and drinks, and a nice blanket for her to sit on. 

When she arrived, I was simply starstruck. It was as if I had forgotten how beautiful she was. Sure, it had been years, but who could forget witnessing a masterpiece such as she is? It was as if I had watched a golden sunrise and forgotten its majesty when the moon was out. Gazing at Peach as she stood in front of me, I told her she looked gorgeous. Her cheeks flushed into an adorable peachy pink. After we had sat, she explained to me how much she hated being Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. Her own mother had always neglected her, and after she passed her father fell into such a state of invincibility star addiction (The high from those is so strong it could stop a young man’s heart in seconds.) he is too comatose to run the kingdom. She has to be the acting queen with no real respect from her people, all while eligible bachelors are shoving themselves down her throat trying to be king. It was so refreshing, she had said, to have a friend like me. Already king, wanting nothing from her but to love her for who she was. She quickly pulled her hand up to cover her mouth, realizing what she had just said. I simply grabbed her hand and held it. I told her that she was right, I did love her. She said she loved me, too. 

After that Peach and I continued to see each other whenever and wherever possible. I would visit her kingdom and she would visit mine. She attended my lavish parties, befriending my female cousins and charming the male ones. Her friends didn’t like me much, being a big scary evil King Bowser and all, but a few of us got along. Daisy and I enjoyed games of ax throwing in the Mushroom orchards. Everyday, I couldn’t believe someone so beautiful, smart, and elegant as Princess Peach would even want to associate with the likes of me, a King Koopa Overlord of the Trilands. She insisted she loved me for who I was on the inside, and looking past what was on the outside was easy for her when I loved her so well. I knew I would love her forever, and she said she felt the same. Still, when I proposed at Yoshi Falls on the ninth anniversary of the day I tried to storm her kingdom, I was a little shocked when she said yes. 

We were happy.

Then, Mario came along. Shooting from a green plumbing pipe smack dab in the middle of Mushroom Kingdom.

It started off small. At the time he arrived Peach happened to be staying with me in one of my holiday castles many kingdoms away from her own. When that little menace came plummeting into our world, it was shocking and a rather enticing break of normalcy for the eight peoples of Mushroom World. Every Toad in the kingdom was eager to see this strange new man. Peach, upon hearing the news and being the acting royal leader and all, sent a letter ordering her people to bring the alien to her. The Toads were delighted at the prospects of guiding Mario on a journey through the lands to take him to us. A particularly cunning and clever red spotted Toad was picked for the job. 

There seemed to be nothing unusual about Mario, at first. He was traversing his way through the lands well, Toad had reported. However, he kept finding himself getting caught up in squabbles and brawls with the peoples of other kingdoms. He had even taken it upon himself to target the Koopas. The Koopas! Can you believe that? My very own brethren were being massacred by a small man in blue overalls. I was disgusted, offended, and appalled. I would have gone out and killed Mario right then if Peach hadn’t stopped me. She knew killing the newcomer would not be a good look for me, and I have to admit she was right. Still, I wish more than anything she had let me go that day. Maybe our life together wouldn’t have fallen so far. 

Toad and Mario were allowed to continue their journey to our castle by order of the soon-to-be-queen. When they finally arrived the very first thing they did was come into our dining hall to pronounce themselves present as we ate. In seconds I was glaring daggers at Mario, but Peach gave me a warning glance, so I backed down. It was then Mario got a glimpse of her, and somehow in that moment I knew the amazing life I had built was about to fall apart. Of course, he was instantly infatuated with her. After all, who wouldn’t be? Princess Peach Toadstool is a brilliant, beautiful young woman. Mario, Mario wants her. She’s mine. She chose me, and I will do whatever it takes to keep her. 

It was then Mario started making some radical, drastic, and nasty claims. He said that I had kidnapped my fiance, he had heard about it all through the land, and was here to save her. I looked over at my princess, then back at Mario. I was simply stunned. Who would ever even dream up such an awful accusation?! But Mario was resolute in this idea. I had him thrown out of the castle, but I knew this would not be the end of my problems with Mario. 

For a while after this incident, things proceeded as normal. Wedding planning continued, and soon our date was approaching. I had almost all but forgotten about Mario and his terrible lies. Peach and I were deeply in love, and would be together forever. Right? I thought I knew, until the day of our wedding finally arrived.

I was nervous, but mostly excited about marrying the love of my life. I had found the shiniest ring with the biggest diamond in all the land to give to my perfect wife. I watched her walk down the aisle in a gorgeous Lochlady dress. A tear escape my eye as I gazed at her. I was so close to marrying Peach, making her my queen, having everything I could ever want. And what does Mario do? He crashes our wedding, jumping through the window with that traitor Toad at his back, and steals my bride. In an instant my fairytale world was shattered. As a king, I was humiliated. This act of roguish defiance to my authority was a slap in the face. However, this paled in comparison to the loss of Peach. Without her, my world was shattered. I was devastated and hopeless without her. The sadness inside me turned to burning rage, and I burned our wedding castle to the ground as I screamed balls of fire into the abyss. 

I woke up the next morning in a daze, my white suit stained with ashes, and a burning pit of fury where my heart once was. Mario had this crazy idea in his mind that I was the one holding Peach against her will. That I was the bad guy. Can you believe that? The nerve of that fiend to even think much less spread such filthy lies. He stole my bride. For that, I vowed he would face my flames. 

That’s when this routine of fighting started. Mario takes Peach, I fight Mario and take Peach back, Peach gets kidnapped by Mario, I fight Mario, over and over and over again. Peach can only do so much, I can never let her go, and Mario is relentless. He is one of those guys who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. Believe me, Peach and I have both tried. I want to kill him, and I almost have, but every time I do he always seems to bounce back. I threw him in lava once, and when I turned around he was standing behind me on the lava rock. He’s some kind of unstoppable, evil sorcerer. 

Frankly, this charade is exhausting. My raging fire never ceases, Peach isn’t in enough danger that anyone else will help me fight for her. Some of my cousins do, but they aren’t good for much. All of the Toad people have sided with Mario for who knows why. The hardest part to accept is, even when Peach is taken, Mario doesn’t try to hurt her. He doesn’t try to do anything to Peach. He simply wants to claim her like a trophy, keep her in his possession like a prize for winning a game. He’s a disgusting, despicable human being. 

Of course, I’m always painted as the bad guy. Always blame the guy with the horns. I’m left to fight this battle alone, perhaps for eternity, trying to earn the life I feel I already worked hard enough for. 

Maybe one day, Peach and I can live in peace together. We could marry and she would no longer have to be a princess, she would be my queen. If only that future didn’t seem so far away. She is my happiness, and she says I am hers. I am so close to having her, and one day I will. For now, I will wait as long as it takes. She is so strong, so admirable. No matter what happens, I will never stop fighting for her. 

And Mario, Mario will burn.