Goodbye World, Here I Am

TW: Mental health and death (accidental and non)

Sitting under a wilting tree, the sun slowly setting, a boy walked up the hill towards me, and sat down next to me.

I was confused as to why he would be here.

He was popular, I am not.

He had good grades, I do not.

He was a people person, I am not.

He wasn't afraid to let others know his sexuality.

I was.

"Why are you here?" I asked him.

"Why can't I be?" he answered, staring up at the crumbling leaves.

"Well there's no reason why you can't, I was just asking why you did come here because no one ever comes here but me and it's rare when I see anyone up here, and maybe I should just stop talking," I said. "Yup, I'll do that."

He laughed a bit.

It wasn't a taunting laugh, not the ones you hear in the halls. It was a kind laugh. A silly one, at that.

I tilted my head to the side, even if he wasn't looking at me.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

I wasn't used to the kind laughs.

"Nothing," he said. "You have a cute voice."

I blushed a little.

He turned to face me, and I turned the other way.

"Aron," he said.

He was the first person to ever say my name. My real name. Not the name I used to have.

I flinched and looked at him.

"H-how do you know my name?" I asked.

I hadn't told anyone at school about me being trans. No one. How did he find out?

"It's written in your book," he said. "The one you always carry everywhere."

"Did you find it?" I asked.

I had lost that book a few days before. I always carried it with me because it gave me something to hold on to.

He took off his backpack, opened the zipper, reached inside, and pulled out my book.

He handed it to me.

"Why else would I be here?" he asked.

I took my book.

"I guess you're right," I said. "No one ever comes here."

"It was a joke," he said. "I have other reasons."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Well, I noticed about a week ago that you always come here after school," he said. "I thought you might want some company. Also . . ."

"Well don't leave me hanging," I said. "Why did you come here?"

"You'll think I'm weird," he said.

"No one could be weirder than me," I said.

"No, but," he started. "How should I put this?"

"I don't know," I said. "Just say it."

"I like you," he said.

He turned away from me, and I was in shock.

Liam, one of the most popular people in school, who was open about his sexuality, liked me.

Liked me back.

Half A Year Later . . .

"Excuse me," I said, avoiding contact with people through the halls.

I bumped into someone.

"Sorry," I said, continuing to walk.

Once I got to the library, I went to the very back right corner where the fantasy books were.

I read the title of each book from the spine, looking for a particular book.

"Where did you go?" I asked myself. "Wait, there you are!"

I took a blue hard-cover book off the shelf and sat down against the shelves.

I opened the book to page number one hundred seventeen, and took out his picture.

"Hey, Liam," I said, holding the picture out in front of me. "How's it going up there? I'm pretty lonely here. Still the quiet kid. Still pretending to be a straight girl. Ugh, pretending to be a girl in general is annoying. Do you know how awkward it is in gym class when we have to change? Who came up with that? I mean, why is there only one big space for every so-called gender? I'm talking too much again, huh? Well, you always said that it was cute, so I don't think you'd mind. Still though, why? Anyway, I'm supposed to be studying. No one actually studies during study hall anyway. Oh by the way, I haven't gone to the tree up the hill in a while. It doesn't feel the same without you. People are so annoying, you know that? Especially when they don't know what they're talking about. Claire thinks I'd like to go to this party Mindi invited her to, but I don't. I think Claire likes me, she's been trying to flirt with me for a while. Don't worry though, I'm all yours, Liam. No one can pull us apart. Just two gay guys against the world. That's what you'd always say, remember? Whenever we'd meet up under the tree that's what you called us. Oh, oh, oh! Also-I almost forgot-Mr. Lenard won't let me take this book home that often anymore. Ever since I put your picture here, I've been the only one able to get this book. I'm too scared to put the picture in my bag though. What if someone finds it? Wait, I just heard myself. Keeping a picture of my dead boyfriend that I talk to in the library during a study hall in a book that anyone can find at any time sounds safer to me than keeping the picture in my bag. Wow, I'm a lost cause, huh? Anyway, I'm just gonna put the picture in another book. Either way, it's the safest way to not lose it. Bye, bye, Liam."

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"What do you mean the book's been checked out?!" I asked Mr. Lenard the next day. "I need that book!"

"Sorry kid," he said. "The book's gone. Maybe look for another one."

"I need that one though," I said. "Yes, specifically that book."

"There's nothing I can do," he said. "We don't have two copies of the same book. That's why we need to get over-do books back. You wouldn't happen to know Kai? He checked out a book and never returned it."

"No, I don't know him," I said. "I don't know anybody. I need that book. Please, can you at least tell me who took it?"

"Well, let me check," he said.

<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>

"Yull!" I said, catching up to the guy who should get detention for walking superhumanly fast in the halls. "I need the book you took from the library."

"Rias, what?" he asked. "What book?"

Oh my, I hate it when they call me that! I thought. I am not a girl anymore!

"The book you checked out Thursday!" I said. "'Sadness to Truth'?"

"Sorry girl, I don't know," he said.

"Does someone have your school library card?" I asked.

"Maybe George does," he said. "He's been taking things from my bag lately."

"Why George, why?!" I exclaimed, going over to the dismissal area.

<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>

"George!" I said. "Did you take Yull's library card, and if you did, can I have the book you took Thursday?"

"Did he tell you?" he asked.

"Tell me what?" I asked.

"Liam had a secret boyfriend," he said.

No, I thought. He saw the picture. He read what I wrote on the back of it. No, no, no, no, no!

"What?!" I asked.

"I know, right?" he said. "He could've at least told us. I found a picture of Liam in the book you're looking for. It had writing on the back. It said something about two gay guys and how much he loved him. Stuff like that. Wanna see?"

Just give me the picture! I thought. I need it. I need Liam. I have to talk to him. I need to ask him for help! I can't do this without him!

"Yeah, I wanna see!" I said.

George started rummaging through his backpack, and then he pulled out the picture.

It was a bit crumpled, and the corner was ripped off.

"What happened to it?!" I asked, taking the picture away from him.

"Chill, the guys were fighting to see it and it got, well, like that," he said. "Read it! Liam should've told us this before he died. I mean, that's the least he could've done."

"What?" I asked.

"Well he died when he jumped into the river by the hill, and he never told any of us about his mental issues, so the least he could've done was tell us about his boyfriend," he said.

"You're wrong," I said. "He didn't jump. He fell. He didn't have mental issues. He was happy. He fell while he was preparing our date-"

"What?!" he said. "Date?! Liam's gay! He wouldn't go out with-"

"I'm not a girl!" I screamed.

With that outburst, I had gathered the attention of everyone nearby.

I didn't notice. If I did, I didn't let it bother me.

"I'm a boy!" I said. "I'm gay! Liam and I, were together! This is my picture! He fell! He didn't jump in that river! He was trying to make me feel better after the girls made a big fuss over my hair! He was setting up the table, and I was helping him. Then, he . . . He fell. I ran. I ran like a coward! What was I supposed to do?!"

I burst into tears.

I need Liam, I thought. I need him. I need to talk to him. The picture, it's ruined though.

I kept crying. I ignored George trying to comfort me. I ignored the teachers asking what had happened. I ignored everything.

Liam, I thought. I need to see him.

All of a sudden, I ran towards the cars. I ran past the pleas of other students to not go. I ran past the teachers that were trying to stop me. Then . . .

I reached him.

I reached Liam.