Anger Issues

I closed my eyes, breathed in, and breathed out.

My psychiatrist told me that every time I found myself spiraling, I should just breathe. Jokes on her, I can’t even breathe properly.

I had asthma for most of my childhood, but it wasn’t something very present in my life. It was something that showed up at your doorstep one day and then is gone the next, never knowing when it’ll come back. Kind of like an absent father, God knew I was very fond of that one.

I could see the public bathroom fairly well. The floors were dirty, sticky if you were to place your hand on them. The walls were white, filled with tiny words or drawings, presumably with a sharpie. The flickering lightbulb above me, casting light on this very small bathroom.

I managed to lower my heartbeat just enough to compose myself in the mirror and finally go outside, devoured by the crowds of people in the halls. I bumped shoulders with several other people until I was able to reach the class I had that hour.

Mrs. Harrow was nice on good days, terrifying on the bad ones. I didn’t have many friends, especially in this Spanish class. I mostly kept to myself and kept out of trouble. As the bell rang, I grabbed my books and rushed out as fast as humanly possible.

Tomorrow was Saturday, and also my 18^th birthday. My dad, absent for most of the year, would sometimes come on my birthday. I didn’t want him there, but at the same time, his presence was comforting. My little sister Jen loved him with her whole heart, she had yet to know the hurtful truth. I probably will never tell her, although I don’t know if she can be kept away from it very long as she is growing up. I find myself glancing at her and can’t help but see how much she is changing. I wish I could freeze time, save this version of her and keep her forever. I can’t, though.

Once at home, my mom greets me and I am back where I started the day. I eat, I change, and I sleep. The truth is, my life is very bland. There is nothing that makes one day stand out from the other. I have no issue with it, I had built my life avoiding as much drama as possible. I was invisible, blending in with the crowds. I was not special, and I didn’t mind it. As long as I was enough to get out of this small town, that was enough for me.

As I awoke the next morning to my mom and sister walking into my room, singing “Happy Birthday”, I could not help but smile and thank them. It was the little things that counted, the things that I valued the most.

I got dressed and made my way downstairs, the aroma of sweet vanilla swirling in the air and making it all the way to my nostrils. I plopped myself down, ready to devour the stack that was right in front of me. I poured excessive amounts of maple syrup and finished them in less than a minute.

I got a gift card, one from my mom and one from my sister, both at $20. I thanked them, and we watched movies all throughout the afternoon. I couldn’t dare to bring up the question that was hanging over my head, and I doubt my mom would even know the answer to it. She was just as clueless as I was, so I didn’t bring it up. I was sure that he was just busy with his odd jobs, he couldn’t have forgotten. He couldn’t.

As the day became night, I lay in bed, clinging to the little bit of hope that remained. It was only 11 PM, he could still show up. He didn’t, though. As I dozed off into sleep, I couldn’t help but feel anger towards him. Anger towards myself for even bringing my hopes up in the first place. What had I expected? This had happened so many times before that it would stupid to even be disappointed.

Then, my phone vibrated. My eyes winced as I fumbled to find my glasses. i looked at the time: 3 AM.

I cleared my throat, tested speaking but it only came out as a croak.

“Hello?” I whispered into the phone, closing my eyes, clinging to the phone as if it were the tiniest ounce of hope that lingered in the back of my mind.

“Hey, Em. So listen, sorry I couldn’t make it today, really busy at work. You know how it is, right?” He asked, knowing that I didn’t know what he meant.

“Yeah, it’s all good.”

“Okay, good, I was thinking- uh, can you guys lower it down a bit?” He spoke, his voice only getting louder with every word that left his mouth. It sounded loud in the background, and I was scared to ask the question that I already knew the answer to.

“Are you drunk?”

Silence. He cleared his throat, and it felt like he was going to speak but decided not to. The words hung in the air for what it felt like hours, but I didn’t need to know his response because I could tell. No one would call at midnight expecting to have a civil conversation.

“Goodbye, dad.”

The tears streamed down my face as I furiously wiped them off. How had he managed to do it again, to disappoint me, knowing how important it was for Jen. He couldn’t have called sooner? Did it have to be at 3 AM?

I tried to go back to sleep but I found myself pulsing with energy. I had to get out, I had to break something. I could not lay in bed, expecting to sleep when I knew it had been scared off the minute my phone vibrated.

I grabbed my coat and walked out of the house, slowly shutting the door behind me. I knew just the place to go, somewhere where I could be at peace.

It was a spot father in the park, near the woods where no one dared to cross. I had been there several times alone and nothing had ever happened to me. I wasn’t scared of what people were scared of. Maybe I wasn’t scared of getting hurting or dying.

It was a fallen tree that just lay on the ground. It was away from everything else, so no matter how hard I screamed no one would hear me.

So I did.

At first, it was a low scream, barely audible. Then I began to scream louder and louder, and then the tears took over. I found myself sobbing on the fallen leaves, pounding my fists on the ground.

Then, I lightly punched the tree and it traveled all the way to the other side of the forest.

I stared for what felt like hours. What had happened? How had I managed to do that?

Now, this terrified me.

I looked at my clenched fist: no blood.

No bruises.

I punched at the tree next to me, and it fell down. As it hit the ground, I flinched and took a few steps back. The night was dimly lit by the moon, so no one could see me.

I was shocked.

I soon realized I had dropped my glasses, and I ran my fingers through the leaves to find them.

I quickly found them and put them on, convincing myself that I had imagined all of this and that I wasn’t even seeing anything properly.

It was all blurry. I couldn’t see anything yet when I took them off, everything was so clear.

What the-

I can see, and I can clearly breathe perfectly fine.

I'm strong enough to punch a tree and make it travel miles away.

I have...superpowers?