My Descendant

I’m thinking to myself what is a descendant. I found out that it’s a person, a plant animal or cartoon character that is descended from a particular ancestor. Knowing that vital information and the understanding where I was descendant from of all people my real biological cartoon grandmother could have slept with the squinty eye Popeye the Sailor Man.

Now I would have never thought that he was a make belief cartoon character created by Elzie Crisler Segar on January 17, 1929. My granddaddy Popeye the Sailor man was based on a real man.ly realizing that Popeye is truly my grandfather.

The family brags about him arriving in an awkward seaside town called Sweet Haven. My mother told me that he was a simpleton who talked while he always had a corn cob pipe in his mouth.

One day I asked my Mother Winzerleen to never tell me about my descendants because she believed that up was down and down was up. When I couldn’t shut her up for fear of the unknown family I descendant from because she was drinking Granny’s triple XXX moonshine from the Beverly Hillbilly’s mansion by the cement pond. My mother cried because she realized that her grandfather needed spinach to have sex with my grandmother Alice the Goon. Her tribe lived on Goon Island and the Goons are indistinguishable from each other.

When my grandmother Alice speaks, who by the way her words appear as a series of meaningless squiggles. My granddaddy’s best friend Wimpy ("I'll gladly pay you next Tuesday for a hamburger today"). He was the only one who can understand her language.

After being liberated from the Sea Hag, Alice comes to live with my granddaddy baby mama Olive Oyl (aka first Wife) and becomes a nursemaid to baby Sweet Pea.

The story of my family tree keeps getting weirder and weirder because Olive vegetally stated that my grandfather and Bruno stated that she was a transsexual from Mars of all places, besides, she admitted at the time the two those two stud muffins that she was sleeping with Bullwinkle while Rocky the squirrel watched them having cartoon sex with glee.

That they all appeared on the Maury show to find out who was Sweet pea’s real baby daddy.

I’m like hey diddle, diddle and the cat and the fiddle. And the cow jumped over the Moon. A little dog lied to see such a sport. And the dish ran away with the spoon. There was a little girl. Who had a little afro curl?

The only thing I remember about my grandfather Popeye when he was telling me that he is actually a descendant of Hercules and his ancestors drew their strength from garlic. That’s when I needed to truly know who “I” was truly descendant from.

Then my aunt Henrietta the Hairy Hippo who is a relative of Molly, who has lots of hair on her back. Like Tom Selleck and Gladys Knight and the Pips. In which they couldn’t sing back up for Dolly Pardon. It wasn’t her fault that her breast are bigger than a breadbasket at being 4’ 11” and wearing depends under garments.

I don’t know why my family thinks they’re related to The Addams Family. My daddy Fred Flintstone told me that Uncle Barnaby Jones broke his hip trying to break dance on Soul Train knowing he suffered from dementia while his mom knew it without telling the family that we are descendants of Yewei, yeah big foot.

I’m so confused that I now believe that Wonder Woman is my real mother. Even if she doesn’t have superpowers like Jack Nicholson in the Shining. (Red Room).

They made me walk a country mile because I really didn’t believe that I was a descendant of Alf. My family are so messed up what they try to buy and sell me a bill of goods and they sell food Stamps 2 for one knowing that my cousin Pluto is against it while he cheated with Mickey Mouse’s wife Minnie who believe no mouse should ever wear pink or green pantie, while wearing a polka dot mini dress.

My grandfather Popeye despised her habit showing her wares and no underwear in public.

Then the strangest thing happened even when Malcolm X said The Addams Family is not your typical family: it takes delight in most of the things of which normal people would be terrified. Malcom said from the teachings from Elijah Muhammad who was born Elijah Robert Poole in Sandersville, Georgia, the seventh of thirteen children of William Poole Sr,. (Gomez Adams is an extremely wealthy man and is able to indulge his wife Morticia's every desire, whether it's cultivation of poisonous plants or a candlelit dinner in a graveyard. People visiting the Addams Family just don't seem to appreciate the 7-foot-tall butler (you rang) named Lurch or the helping hand (which is just a disembodied hand named Thing). Grandma-ma stole some lingerie when Malcolm went to Mecca on a pilgrimage to find out that one of my descendants from the planet of the Apes really believed that they were fake human beings until Charleston Heston wanted to star in the movie The God Father part 9. You hurt me Sonny Liston with that right hand upper cut Mahammad Ali’s.  

Every time I change my underwear there’s another member of my family that I’m supposed to have been descended from.

I know today that all that I have shared with you is a “LIE”.

Granddaddy Popeye told me to gets a tattoos that will strike the chord with vintage cartoon fanatics and herculean gods alike.

My granddaddy Popeye being a gallant sailor offers a legendarily grand likeness to ink connoisseurs in all four corners of the planet. Grandson please activate your sailor swagger right away with the flashy charm of all of my tattoos. My unmistakable visage will add credibility to anyone. Especially when its merged with my titular star’s flexing biceps. The anchor on my arm enables me to have the finesse of a tattoo within a tattoo! It’s the source of power to sleep with your grandmother Alice the Goon while your other Grandmother Olive Oly cusses me out every day. She’s just a cheater with your uncle Wimpy and that dude I can’t stand Bluto. We fought 9 times and if it wasn’t for the spinach I ate I would have won half the time over your other Grandmother Olive.

Yes I can admit that our family is different than his infamous character’s strength, spinach is also an urbane feature to enclose. In truth I don’t know where I was descended from and not from  a cartoon.