54 comments

Fiction Funny

Luigi’s Palatable Palace 🌠 0.0

Frederick T. said:

     “I consider myself a food connoisseur. I grew up eating three meals a day. I often made my own breakfast cereal, with a range of milk choices to complement the selection. For example, always use a 2% with Raisin Bran. Almond milk goes best with Cheerios, while whole milk is definitely the best with Rice Chex. Shredded Wheat: just throw that straight in the bin. Nobody should eat that garbage with any kind of milk. Why am I sharing my expertise? I feel you should be aware of my level of experience with food before I shred the wheat of your establishment. 

     Let me present my Menu of Disgust with your “fine dining restaurant”, as Yelp falsely classifies you. 

     Beverage: only Pepsi products as a fountain drink choice? First mistake. Coke products are, and always will be, superior to Pepsi products. I could get into the history of the products, but I’ll save that for our face-to-face meeting (I’m in the process of arranging with corporate). My PowerPoint presentation will make it quite clear, as well as the three zany TikTok reels I made that I’ll share for good measure. Back to the subpar soda. The ratio of ice to liquid was completely off. It should ideally be a 60/40 split. Yours was closer to 10/90. I have proven in timed experiments that the rate at which ice melts on average over the course of a meal must coincide with this ratio so as to not leave one with a watered down beverage by the time appetizers are finished. My studies and findings are published, if you wish you read further. (I’ll send you my Facebook, Insta, and Twitter links where you can find my posts about it. There are MANY comments from people who “like” and agree with me.)

     Appetizer: Or, should I say, UNappetizer. I ordered chicken wings. I like my wings hot, crispy, full of delectable meat, and with a reasonable amount of heartburn expected. (I carry my own antacid in anticipation of acid distress.) What I was served appeared to be the plucked and fried wings of a hummingbird. Is it even legal to serve fried hummingbird wings? I highly doubt it. I’ll look into that one, and you may be hearing from PETA as well. 

     Main course: I ordered the “Fresh haddock entree”, described as being sautéed with olive oil, garlic, and fresh tomatoes. When the waitress brought the dish, I was sure there was a mistake.         “Excuse me, madam, but I did not order the tomato soup!” I told her. She assured me “on her grandpappy’s grave” mind you, that it WAS the fresh haddock dinner entree. I looked again at the preposterous pesce placed in front of me. I was able to see what appeared to be several white islands of fish swimming in the tomato soup. Where were the fresh tomatoes? Was the olive oil really snake oil?? The whole meal a farce? 

I tried it anyway. I have an adventurous appetite and spirit, therefore I was willing to give pesce a chance. I swirled the soup, stabbed a white bit of flesh, and placed it precariously in my mouth. Immediately, I was hit with what tasted like salty sadness. If you took the disappointment of losing a race, the sadness of waking up on Christmas morning with socks and underwear instead of a video game, the anxiety of failing a test, and put them all in a bowl that would be this meal. I do believe your chef may very well have emptied a bottle of ketchup into a saucepan, added fish, and proclaimed it a meal. Well, sir, let me tell you in my loudest voice it was horrendous. This meal should not be given to the likes of man nor beast. Pigs would scoff at this slop in a trough. If you advertise a “Fresh Haddock”, you best not deliver it in ketchup soup. 

     Dessert: after the wholly traumatizing experience of the main course, I needed recourse. I needed to cleanse my palate of the assault to my gustatory faculties. Then, I saw it. Tiramisu. It literally MEANS “cheer me up”. And that’s exactly what I needed at this point. Heavenly caffeine in the espresso, delicate sweetness in the lady fingers, a touch of cocoa, and BAM! My whole dining experience had the potential to be turned around. The fate of this review rested in a 4x4 square of decadence on a dessert plate. My mouth salivated as I looked at it. My FitBit reinforced the fact that my heart rate was indeed rising in anticipation of the sweet reward in front of me. I steadied myself, swished some water, bit the lemon that wedged high upon its glass. The sour garnish served to cleanse my palate before diving into that divine dessert. I searched the square for the exact location of “the perfect bite”. It must include the lady fingers, the ganache, the cocoa topping in all the right proportions. Like a pirate seeking treasure, a veritable X marked the spot dead center where my fork was set to dig. I carved out the piece, closed my eyes to diminish my other senses, and put it in my mouth. I chewed, I moved the sweet bolus from left to right to left again. I swallowed. I gagged! What was THIS???? In the center of my Tiramisu was the unmistakable remnants of broccoli florets! No vegetable has ANY business in, near, or incorporated into a dessert! Your pastry chef should be ashamed of this endeavor! The beauty of the Tiramisu can NOT be enhanced by the addition of vegetables, no matter what sort of health advantage it may have. Is this part of that Keto diet fad? To sell more “unhealthy” dessert by marketing it as “healthy” due to the addition of broccoli? I am appalled. I am disgusted. I am requesting a refund. (Please see attachment with bill and proof of payment.)

     Dining Conclusion: Based on the grievances addressed above, I have no choice but to withhold any positive feedback. No stars for you. 

Signed: Frederick Tuftman 

October 03, 2023 18:49

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54 comments

Lana Elmallah
21:49 Feb 07, 2024

Great story! I really enjoyed it!! Fantastic job, Nina! 🙌🙌

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Nina H
15:33 Apr 12, 2024

Thanks so much for reading it, Lana!

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A.B. Writer
21:18 Nov 06, 2023

This was amazing. Most people would say that this guy is a stickler, but I COMPLETELY agree with him. I am SUCH a picky eater, and I always have to have the correct meals in the correct places, or else my entire day is thrown out of wack. If it had been me giving this review, I probably would have said something I shouldn't have!!! Thanks for the story, and please read mine! -Avery

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Nina H
20:20 Nov 08, 2023

Lol!! Oh boy, I’m imagining you and this character dining out together - what a disaster that would be!!! 😂😂 Thanks for reading!!!!

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Alan Harrell
10:38 Oct 13, 2023

This was hilarious. Great job, Nina.

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Karen Corr
20:33 Oct 12, 2023

Perfection in every word. You are soooo funny! 😂

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Martin Ross
19:30 Oct 11, 2023

Fun, funny, and except for the tiramisu I’m hungry despite the teriyaki salmon I just had! My most arduous meal ever was jellyfish in China. It was considered a delicacy and an honor by our hosts, so I dig in and faked it up big time. One of the worst dining experiences is an ALMOST flavorless entree. Great work! Yums!

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Nina H
23:55 Oct 11, 2023

Holy fish, teriyaki salmon?!? How is it I’ve never had that?? I think I need to make that!! Your story reminded me of a wedding I went to years ago, where it was custom to serve pieces of a whole fish to the table, with one lucky guest receiving the eyeballs. The couple was Chinese. Guess who that lucky guest was! I really tried but just couldn’t eat them 😬

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Martin Ross
00:17 Oct 12, 2023

I love Japanese teriyaki or tempura fried fish, but after my 2001/2009 trips, fish is one Chinese food I can’t do. TOO real — water almost straight to table. I do love some Beijing duck, though. My wife won’t eat a fish head-on, so I can’t imagine EATING the eyes.🤣

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Nina H
00:38 Oct 12, 2023

I’m with your wife!! Anything with a head is too real 😂 Reminds me of “A Christmas Story” when they have Chinese turkey (duck) and the dad says “oh yes it’s great! But it’s uhhh smiling at me!” Then they lop off the head!!

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Martin Ross
02:26 Oct 12, 2023

🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Martin Ross
00:19 Oct 12, 2023

BTW, I grilled the salmon fillets with a dusting of orange Koolaid powder and black pepper before glazing with the teriyaki sauce. Gives it an extra thing!

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Nina H
00:36 Oct 12, 2023

What is this Koolaid madness?!?! Omg I need to try this 😲 I’ve made salmon in a foil pouch with orange juice before but never orange koolaid!

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Martin Ross
00:53 Oct 12, 2023

Don’t use liquid Koolaid — just a light overall dusting straight out of the package on top of a coating of sesame oil. I like to experiment with rubs and sauces.

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Belladona Vulpa
12:48 Oct 11, 2023

Very lively descriptions that you could see, hear and almost taste! You painted the reviewer as the typical customer who might exaggerate and believes is the authority and has superior knowledge in contrast to others. So initially he doesn't strike as the most reliable narrator. Especially the rant for the social media and the amount of energy he put made me laugh. The thing for the Pepsi and cola got me laughing as a small matter, then the ice thing I didn't really understand why so much ice. Then you turn the tables and bam! He describ...

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Nina H
15:44 Oct 11, 2023

I’m like you, I just endure and don’t complain!! There can be some scary dishes in a school cafeteria - I can just imagine that carbonara! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!!! 😄

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Michał Przywara
20:34 Oct 10, 2023

Oh man, I could *hear* his review. The pompous, self-aggrandizing, linking to his socials, the long preamble about his expertise as a person who knows how to make cereal, the parenthetical asides, and "I have proven in timed experiments" - oof! This guy's a walking YouTube comment. And yet! If anything he says can be taken at face value, the restaurant indeed seems mediocre, at best. Broccoli in the tiramisu is absurd - but perhaps we could believe it's a mistake, or the irritated staff were trolling him at this point. But the fish? Sounds...

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Nina H
15:41 Oct 11, 2023

A walking YouTube comment is spot on! Lol!! And I have to admit, the fish fiasco was a bit of creative nonfiction. I was served that culinary nightmare once! I even went online and looked up the menu to read the description again after the waitress walked away! 🤢

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Laurie Roy
16:56 Oct 10, 2023

before I shred the wheat of your establishment. Love that. And whole heartedly agree. Blah.. salty sadness. OMG I'm rolling. Coke is it. and broccoli in dessert? That's like carrot cake: absolutely pointless.

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Nina H
15:39 Oct 11, 2023

Yay! Team Coke!! There’s a Team Pepsi here in the comments who is now outnumbered 😂 Carrot cake I can pretend is just cake though. If I were to find broccoli pieces in tiramisu, there’s just no pretending that away! Lol!!

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Rachelle Lemay
14:08 Oct 10, 2023

You are indeed a connoisseur and most definitely a writer. I loved this piece. Very clever!

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Nina H
15:37 Oct 11, 2023

Thanks so much, Rachelle!! 😄

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Kailani B.
02:00 Oct 09, 2023

Shredded wheat is the worst! But I have to admit that I don't mind getting socks for Christmas.

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Nina H
02:44 Oct 09, 2023

Lol!! I actually can’t disagree there! 😂

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Hazel Ide
22:45 Oct 08, 2023

This was great! The ending really tied it together, I have no choice but to withhold any positive feedback. Haha. Nice job!

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Nina H
22:50 Oct 08, 2023

Thanks Hazel!!

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Robert Egan
19:19 Oct 08, 2023

I totally agree with Frederick. In fact, he was too forgiving. He has enough of a case here that he could be suing Luigi’s Palatable Palace for everything after that broccoli in his tiramisu. I know a good lawyer who handles these things if you want to put me in touch with Frederick 🤣

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Nina H
19:33 Oct 08, 2023

Lol!! Clearly his pain and suffering at the incompetence running rampant at Luigi’s is enough to win the case! He may now be facing a forever fear of broccoli after that incident. Which will lead to health problems due to vitamin deficiencies. Which will completely alter the way of life he’s used to. It’s basically an avalanche of turmoil and loss in his life now!!! Poor Frederick… 😢

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Rebecca Miles
19:44 Oct 04, 2023

Frederick, Frederick, Mr pedantic-pants eh! I like to think this was a fine dining restaurant and to picture him there with all the table linen and silver spoons, huffing and puffing at his micro portions (humming bird- love it) and fancy fish main. But then the talk of pepsi and deep fried chicken might mean I am just off on an imaginative bender of my own! I was chuckling with this short and funny one, especially the first third: very good characterisation there from the get go with his range of breakfast milks for each cereal: told me all...

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Nina H
01:22 Oct 05, 2023

I’d hate to be his waitress 😜 thanks for the read, Rebecca! And imaginative benders make for interesting interpretations, so I say have at it!

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Murray Burns
18:43 Oct 04, 2023

Nice. And...I've re-read some books. I've watched the same movie several times. I watch TV reruns all the time...but yours is the only bio I've enjoyed re-reading... I coached my daughter's basketball team, and I always thought a whistle and a clipboard were all you needed.

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Nina H
18:55 Oct 04, 2023

Lol!! I’m flattered you not only took the time to read it once, but twice even!! And I feel that “looking the part” with said clipboard and whistle can very well get you to playoffs. Dream big!! I don’t want to stir the jealousy pot here, but, I ALSO have a shirt that says “COACH”. That just seals the deal. 😌

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Murray Burns
22:14 Oct 04, 2023

Braggart. (I may be out at Goodwill tonight looking for a "Coach" shirt...and a "Coach" hat...and a "Coach" jacket,,,and a "Coach" anything I can get my hands on.)

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Nina H
23:21 Oct 04, 2023

Pro Tip: Get any shirt or hat, just write COACH with a Sharpie. You’re golden!

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Murray Burns
16:51 Oct 06, 2023

I'm taking a fight next week...I will be flying "Coach"...do I get any resume-building points for that?

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Nina H
17:05 Oct 06, 2023

Oh that’s perfect to add to it! Wear your sharpied shirt and hat!!! You’ll be the epitome of a perfect coach flyer 😂😂😂

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AnneMarie Miles
13:11 Oct 04, 2023

Frederick did not hold back! But if there is any truth here, I can't say I would either! I loved the voice, the pompous, know it all expert voice comes through perfectly. And it's packed with details and images that really support the story building - we know just what this experience was like! I can't help but wonder if Frederick is unreliable... perhaps overindulging in some hyperbolic accusations... but idk, broccoli in tiramisu? CAN someone make that up? (Other than you of course!). I also enjoyed the introduction, showing us where this ...

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Nina H
19:57 Oct 04, 2023

Thanks for reading, AnneMarie! He was complaining about shredded wheat cereal, do you have that where you are? They look like small hay bales, and taste like them too. 😝 My uncle used to eat them and I never understood why.

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AnneMarie Miles
20:15 Oct 04, 2023

😂 I just reread my comment and saw the wheat thins! I am sick and that was at like 5 in the morning. I could picture the cereal in my head, though. I don't mind shredded wheat cereal! It's not my favorite but it makes sense why Frederick would badmouth it like that 😅

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Nina H
20:36 Oct 04, 2023

Lol!! I’m laughing here 😂 with people here from all over, I wasn’t sure if the type of cereal was lost on you! I’m sorry you’re sick. Hopefully you’re better soon! I was sick last week and dragging, forgetful, and I completely understand the sick fog!!!! 🤧

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AnneMarie Miles
21:49 Oct 04, 2023

Sick fog is real! So thank you for a laugh - I needed that. I'm from a health-conscious part of California so I think shredded wheat cereal is actually pretty popular around here, though it's not my first choice 😅

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Nina H
23:25 Oct 04, 2023

Then don’t share Frederick’s review with your social circle! They’ll be aghast! I’m on the opposite coast! East coast here!

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Kevin Logue
12:52 Oct 04, 2023

Frederick is a real self righteous, albeit justified, wet sock of a person. The voice of this was great, a lot of wonderful witticisms, give pesce a chance gave me a proper guffaw. But at its heart some fantastic and mouth watering descriptions, the tiramisu in particular, and then they are destroyed. Broccoli! My goodness. Now, Nina I like you but Pepsi is a hill I will die on ha. But only for one reason, as a diabetic Pepsi Max is the superior sugarfree drink, no point arguing with me, it's a fact 😂

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Nina H
13:07 Oct 04, 2023

Hey Kevin! 😄 nothing like broccoli to ruin a dessert! I wanted to highlight his incredulous comments by having him think the culinary mishap was an intentional move by a pastry chef. Just ridiculous 😜 I was wondering if that would spark debates here!! Religion, politics, and Pepsi. Conversations that should just be avoided 😂

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Kevin Logue
14:07 Oct 04, 2023

Oh you knew it would. This comment section will rekindle the cola wars of old! And his incredulous nature shone through, honestly I wasn't sure if it was intended or not myself, hipsters, am I right. Lol.

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Mary Bendickson
05:20 Oct 04, 2023

Lots of stars for you✨ Thanks for liking my Where the Wild Things Aren't Thanks☺️

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Nina H
12:45 Oct 04, 2023

Thanks Mary! And I love that title by the way, “Where the Wild Things Aren’t “. So clever!!

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Michelle Oliver
01:54 Oct 04, 2023

Haha, pretentious and prissy Mr Frederick Tuftman is quite obviously well qualified to provide feedback, as he in an expert in all fields culinary. Just see his references to cereal and his social media posts. The expert opinions are backed up with clear descriptive language, see below. “If you took the disappointment of losing a race, the sadness of waking up on Christmas morning with socks and underwear instead of a video game, the anxiety of failing a test, and put them all in a bowl that would be this meal.” Such a fun metaphor that sho...

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Nina H
12:51 Oct 04, 2023

Thanks Michelle! Yes, it seems “experts” appear all over now, taking to their social media platforms to enlighten and inform the masses. 😂 But Frederick must be taken seriously. I mean, who else has that knowledge base on breakfast cereals, prepped himself no less!!!! 🥣 Thanks so much for the read and comments, I always appreciate them!!

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Chris Miller
20:18 Oct 03, 2023

Funny. I like the hints about what type of restaurant it actually is. Good take on the self appointed experts who feel that the world needs their opinions. They seem to be increasingly common (he said, giving his opinion in an online forum - oh god! It's meta! I'm in the story!) "Give pesce a chance" wow.

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Nina H
20:34 Oct 03, 2023

Haha!! But the world does need your opinions! Well, at least *I* welcome them! 😂 I know the reading eyes will be rolling big time with the awful punnery Frederick here insists upon!

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