No Stars for You

Luigi’s Palatable Palace 🌠 0.0

Frederick T. said:

     “I consider myself a food connoisseur. I grew up eating three meals a day. I often made my own breakfast cereal, with a range of milk choices to complement the selection. For example, always use a 2% with Raisin Bran. Almond milk goes best with Cheerios, while whole milk is definitely the best with Rice Chex. Shredded Wheat: just throw that straight in the bin. Nobody should eat that garbage with any kind of milk. Why am I sharing my expertise? I feel you should be aware of my level of experience with food before I shred the wheat of your establishment. 

     Let me present my Menu of Disgust with your “fine dining restaurant”, as Yelp falsely classifies you. 

     Beverage: only Pepsi products as a fountain drink choice? First mistake. Coke products are, and always will be, superior to Pepsi products. I could get into the history of the products, but I’ll save that for our face-to-face meeting (I’m in the process of arranging with corporate). My PowerPoint presentation will make it quite clear, as well as the three zany TikTok reels I made that I’ll share for good measure. Back to the subpar soda. The ratio of ice to liquid was completely off. It should ideally be a 60/40 split. Yours was closer to 10/90. I have proven in timed experiments that the rate at which ice melts on average over the course of a meal must coincide with this ratio so as to not leave one with a watered down beverage by the time appetizers are finished. My studies and findings are published, if you wish you read further. (I’ll send you my Facebook, Insta, and Twitter links where you can find my posts about it. There are MANY comments from people who “like” and agree with me.)

     Appetizer: Or, should I say, UNappetizer. I ordered chicken wings. I like my wings hot, crispy, full of delectable meat, and with a reasonable amount of heartburn expected. (I carry my own antacid in anticipation of acid distress.) What I was served appeared to be the plucked and fried wings of a hummingbird. Is it even legal to serve fried hummingbird wings? I highly doubt it. I’ll look into that one, and you may be hearing from PETA as well. 

     Main course: I ordered the “Fresh haddock entree”, described as being sautéed with olive oil, garlic, and fresh tomatoes. When the waitress brought the dish, I was sure there was a mistake.         “Excuse me, madam, but I did not order the tomato soup!” I told her. She assured me “on her grandpappy’s grave” mind you, that it WAS the fresh haddock dinner entree. I looked again at the preposterous pesce placed in front of me. I was able to see what appeared to be several white islands of fish swimming in the tomato soup. Where were the fresh tomatoes? Was the olive oil really snake oil?? The whole meal a farce? 

I tried it anyway. I have an adventurous appetite and spirit, therefore I was willing to give pesce a chance. I swirled the soup, stabbed a white bit of flesh, and placed it precariously in my mouth. Immediately, I was hit with what tasted like salty sadness. If you took the disappointment of losing a race, the sadness of waking up on Christmas morning with socks and underwear instead of a video game, the anxiety of failing a test, and put them all in a bowl that would be this meal. I do believe your chef may very well have emptied a bottle of ketchup into a saucepan, added fish, and proclaimed it a meal. Well, sir, let me tell you in my loudest voice it was horrendous. This meal should not be given to the likes of man nor beast. Pigs would scoff at this slop in a trough. If you advertise a “Fresh Haddock”, you best not deliver it in ketchup soup. 

     Dessert: after the wholly traumatizing experience of the main course, I needed recourse. I needed to cleanse my palate of the assault to my gustatory faculties. Then, I saw it. Tiramisu. It literally MEANS “cheer me up”. And that’s exactly what I needed at this point. Heavenly caffeine in the espresso, delicate sweetness in the lady fingers, a touch of cocoa, and BAM! My whole dining experience had the potential to be turned around. The fate of this review rested in a 4x4 square of decadence on a dessert plate. My mouth salivated as I looked at it. My FitBit reinforced the fact that my heart rate was indeed rising in anticipation of the sweet reward in front of me. I steadied myself, swished some water, bit the lemon that wedged high upon its glass. The sour garnish served to cleanse my palate before diving into that divine dessert. I searched the square for the exact location of “the perfect bite”. It must include the lady fingers, the ganache, the cocoa topping in all the right proportions. Like a pirate seeking treasure, a veritable X marked the spot dead center where my fork was set to dig. I carved out the piece, closed my eyes to diminish my other senses, and put it in my mouth. I chewed, I moved the sweet bolus from left to right to left again. I swallowed. I gagged! What was THIS???? In the center of my Tiramisu was the unmistakable remnants of broccoli florets! No vegetable has ANY business in, near, or incorporated into a dessert! Your pastry chef should be ashamed of this endeavor! The beauty of the Tiramisu can NOT be enhanced by the addition of vegetables, no matter what sort of health advantage it may have. Is this part of that Keto diet fad? To sell more “unhealthy” dessert by marketing it as “healthy” due to the addition of broccoli? I am appalled. I am disgusted. I am requesting a refund. (Please see attachment with bill and proof of payment.)

     Dining Conclusion: Based on the grievances addressed above, I have no choice but to withhold any positive feedback. No stars for you. 

Signed: Frederick Tuftman