Dear diary,
I hate this. I hate my life. For some reason, my dad is desperate to marry an ableist, crazy religious, ignorant piece of shit. She’s not a piece of shit because she’s religious. Hell, my dad still is. I used to be before my diagnosis and mom dying. But he just got married to Rose Weltze, now Rose Carson. She’s a bitch. I hate her. She’s one of those crazy religious fools that thinks autism is a disease, like cancer, and needs to be cured like we’re all sick. I say we because I need validation to believe I’m still autistic sometimes. Rose forced my dad to pull me out of therapy, and despite a diagnosis, she refuses to believe I’m actually autistic. It’s currently the night of Christmas Eve, and I have a feeling she’s got one more thing to use in order to piss me off before my favorite (well, not now) holiday. She’s already forcing us, and her annoying daughters to come to this church with her tomorrow. I hate church. It’s the church that’s a part of my Christian Academy. Somehow, after Mom died, Dad would let me skip Sunday church. It’s bad enough I get the spiritual brainwashing down my throat every day at school, and Wednesday night church. Now Rose is making us all go.
“Get down here, Taylor!” My dad called me. I trudged downstairs, awaiting whatever lecture I was about to get. Dad’s been completely different, only caring about me getting along with my new family. These girls will never be my family.
“Hey, bitch.” Ella nudged me into the table. Ella and Lucy were like mini reincarnations of the devil himself. If they weren’t making fun of me for “acting white”, then they were making fun of me for being “too skinny” and “looking anorexic”.
Yeah, cause it’s not like I get that same shit at school or anything.
Oh wait - yes the fuck I do!
My dad doesn’t seem to notice, and Rose could care less.
Fan - fucking - tastic.
“Hey, Taylor, how’s your evening?” Rose strode into the kitchen, smirking.
“Fine. You?” Pretend to be nice. Pretend to be nice.
“Good. What are you wearing to church tomorrow?”
I showed her a picture of this dres my mom got me a few years back, it was a little shorter on me now, but it was blue, and beautiful. Our favorite color was blue.
“You’re wearing that? Don’t you think it’s a little…” Her voice trailed off, the judgment in her eyes.
“It’s church appropriate. Besides, my mom got it for me.” She looked up, like I just cursed at her.
“It makes you look slutty. I got you girls new dresses, you can wear that.”
“Whatever.”
“Are you excited?” Lucy was trying to look over my shoulder at my phone.
“Who are you texting?”
“None of your business.”
“Taylor…” Rose’s voice startled me. It’s like she’s always looking for something to yell at me about.
“I won’t have you behaving inappropriately. I’ve already set up a meeting for you after service, remember?”
Meeting?
“No, what are you talking about?” I shoved my phone into my pocket.
“To cure you, of course. Darell, you didn’t tell her?” She snapped at my dad.
“Cured?” I was livid. More livid then when I found out they were engaged.
“We’re just trying to help you, dear,” Dad came over to me. “We want you to be happier.”
“I’m perfectly happy, at least I was.” I turned to Rose.
“For crying out loud, we just want you to be normal!” She screamed. Even my step sisters moved away.
“Fuck both of you!” I pushed them away and stormed upstairs.
The old version of my dad wouldn’t agree to this. He’d say I’m fine just the way I am, and just try to get me out of my shell. Rose has been trying to get all of us in beauty pageants for an uncomfortable amount of time.
As I tried to hold back my tears, I thought of Mom. She was the only one who was actually ok with me being who I am. An emo loving, theatre nerd who likes to keep to herself.
I knew how Christians thought about people with autism, but I didn’t think I’d see the day where my own dad would be trying it. I spent the rest of my night watching videos of Christian couples going on about vaccines and trying to “cure” their autistic kids through prayer and other random shit like that. And people wonder why I hate religion so much.
“I miss you, Mom,” I looked at her picture, wishing I didn’t have to pretend. I was religious when I was younger, when she was here. Now? I just have to act. Pretend to care so I can get by. But this is too much. The tears streamed down my face as I changed into my pajamas, preferably something short just to spite Rose. How can someone so awful have a name so… pretty?
I remember waking up to my parents making breakfast, and then opening presents. We’d spend the day getting ready for my other family to come over. This year? Nothing. I’m ninety percent sure everyone’s just trying to avoid Rose and friends. Do I blame them? Heck no. If I had a say in it, I wouldn’t be here either. I have contemplated living with my cousin Sherry.
“At least you can move out for college, you’ve always wanted to get out of here.” She told me over Facetime.
“Yeah, in two fucking years.” I groaned.
This year would be like none other. Church, no extended family, rehearing the story of Jesus since “that’s what the original holiday is about”.
Christmas morning arrived, and I should’ve been excited. I’m not.
Who would look forward to their family trying to get them to be healed like you have a fucking disease? If anyone in my family was smart enough to actually research, they’d know autism isn’t a disease. I’m not sick. Sure, my social behaviors are different from neurotypicals, but everyone’s acting like I’m a goddamn demon.
We arrived at church in our ugly dresses, watching as crowds filed in. I recognized way too many people from school for my liking. But there was someone who actually didn’t make me want to jump off a bridge there, Tami Samuels.
“Hey, Tam!” I hugged her. My step sisters looked like they were about to jump out of their chairs.
“Hey, if it isn’t my favorite person!” She giggled. She and I were really the only ones we had at school. We were also the few minorities there. We were both black in a strict, religious town that hates our mere existence.
“Are you gonna be ok, today?” She asked. Her purple hair was curled up for the occasion, drawing looks from the incoming audience. The two of us together? “Social misfits who need prayers” or “Girls who need discipline.” By discipline, we can all pretty much guess what they mean.
“Yeah, I’m gonna be fine. Like I said, I’m not sick. I don’t need a -” I paused, remembering we’re in a ‘place of worship.’
“Cure. What about you?” She felt the same way about all this religion stuff as I did, maybe even more seeing as her parents have been trying to cure her of her ‘same sex attraction’ for two years now. These people really need a hobby that doesn’t revolve around their kids’ and their personal business. Our lives shouldn’t be a stupid debate.
“Yeah, we just gotta play the part, right?” We laughed, taking our seats. Rose came and sat right in between us, thinking our friendship was some kind of sin.
True, cause the worship team preying on most of the girls here, and the casual racism is just fine, right? Somehow we’re drawing the line at mental illness and dress choices? Ok then…
Dear diary,
I don’t even want to talk about church. The pastor kept going about Christmas’ true meaning and healing, and repenting our sins and junk. The entire thing rubbed me the wrong way. I could tell it did to Tami too. After was even worse, when the prayers began. It was so invasive, having everyone talk to me like I was five. I’m fucking sixteen, assholes. I just feel like crying, because no one’s ok with me being me. Their stupid prayers didn’t make me feel any different, but I knew I had to be different to get them off my back. Tami invited me to hang out at the skatepark, so I knew I’d have to sneak out. Apparently her family dinner was getting more awkward by the second. Whatever could give me a reason to live, I guess. The adrenaline of disobeying authority was one of the only things I enjoyed. I guess this is what I have to look forward to every Christmas. Hearing stories that don’t make sense about someone who apparently hates me for being me, and I’m going to hell for it. Yay? And my family hates me too. So every Christmas is going to be church, a crappy dinner with foods I don’t want to eat, and then sneaking out to the park to find something that makes me happy. That doesn’t sound like a holiday to me. That just sounds like any other day here.
Merry fucking Christmas.
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I had trouble finding a plot. It sounded like a lot of complaining.
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Yeah same
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Stop swearing so much, will ya?
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it's the pov of my character. The character swears.
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I would also like to add that you’ve tagged this as a Christian story, when in reality it is a gross misconception of Christianity.
This should not be tagged Christian—if it were Christian, it would be a disgrace.
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I don’t hardly know what to say about this.
First of all, we’re you trying to accurately portray Christianity? You did an awful job of it, full of logical fallacies and factual errors. If you’re going to insult something, do your homework so you can do it correctly and accurately. Mocking something for an attribute it doesn’t possess is inane and stupid.
For example, you use the term casual racism in regards to church. What does this even mean? If you’d ever read the Bible, you’d know that Christianity is in no way racist; it’s exactly the opposite, from beginning to end. At the beginning, God created one man, and one woman—the beginnings of humanity. Everyone on earth is descended from them (the book of Genesis). I.e. humanity is ONE RACE. Towards the end, we are given the Great Comission—this basically states that we are to take Christianity to every nation on earth. To quote; “Preach the Word in Judea, and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Christianity is for EVERYONE.
Additionally, while I won’t promote that all Christians don’t exhibit racist behavior—everyone can do it—racism is an atheistic, evolutionary notion. Why? Because if we evolved, with different people groups living separately, then surely some of us must be more evolved, right? If we’re more technologically advanced, it means we must be a superior race! Survival of the fittest—why shouldn’t we dominate lesser beings so that we may be lifted higher?
However, if we are one race of people, all from the same family, then there is no basis for racism.
You also tell us that the Christian town hates Tami and Taylor. Either these people are really, really terrible excuses for Christians or you’ve got some flaws in your portrayal. The Bible commands us to love ALL PEOPLE. Now, we do not approve of everything everyone does, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t still love them. To use my favorite analogy; if a child is disobedient, the parent should punish the child. Does the parent stop loving the child just because of what they’ve done? No! That would be ridiculous. In the same way, Christianity does not approve of sin, but neither do we hate sinners. If we hated sinners, we would all hate ourselves, because all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. I sin every day. It’s what makes me human. It’s why I need a savior in the first place.
You have a lot of conflicting facts about autism in here.
Dictionary: autism. A developmental disorder of variable severity that is characterized by difficulty in social interaction and communication and by restricted or repetitive patterns of thought and behavior.
So your character has a self-admitted disorder... and doesn’t want a remedy?
Also, you imply that Christians think negatively of people with autism. What the heck? In my experience, I’ve met some wayward Christians who you could call racist. I’ve met some who you could say are prejudiced. But, I’ve never met, or even heard of a Christian who had a bias or prejudice against those with autism. Again, autism is a result of the Fall, in the Bible—when man sinned. It’s a result of the imperfection of of humanity—why on earth would Christians have a bias against autistic people?
Now, if I were an evolutionist, I would have plenty of reason to hate autistic people. They would be less fit than I am, having problems communicating, and repetitive thought patterns. If I could reduce their chance of survival to better my own, it would be all good from an evolutionary worldview. Those bloodlines that carry genes with the potential for autism should be wiped out.
However, because I’m Christian, I believe that all people are equal, and all people need salvation.
To get to a punchline on autism—your character doesn’t act autistic, yet a doctor pronounced her autistic. A doctor pronounced her with a disorder—a problem with her mind—and she hates the people that try and fix it.
You have no plot in this story—it reads like a horrible illogical rant about problems that exist only in Taylor’s head.
The cussing is useless. It adds nothing to the story, and nothing to the internal dialogue. Unless where absolutely necessary to add extra emphasis, cut all the cussing. Think about it like this—the more cuss words you have, the less weight they carry. The less cuss words you have, the more weight they carry.
Next, Taylor isn’t likable. She has no positive attributes that we can identify with.
Further, you tell instead of show in this story WAY too much. When you show, the power of your writing is multiplied tenfold. When you tell, the story turns out dry and lifeless.
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You literally just proved my point 😂
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I don't need you to tell me (an actually autistic person who grew up in church) to tell me how people with autism act. Autism is a spectrum, so to you it may not look like how we act, but you wouldn't know. Also, thanks for saying we should be wiped out and calling us sinners for something we're BORN WITH! 🖕
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First of all, I said nothing about how people with autism act—I took everything I said from your story. I agree, autism is a spectrum. Please don’t presume to know anything about my life. You don’t. I have family members who are autistic. I didn’t say you should be wiped out—I said the opposite, that you shouldn’t. I didn’t call you a sinner, you are a sinner, whether you believe it or not. Just like it doesn’t matter if you believe the sky is blue or not; it just is. I’m a sinner as well. It’s why I need salvation. It’s why I need Jesus Christ as a willing, perfect sacrifice. How did I prove your point? Mind explaining it to me?
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F*CK THE NEW STEP MOOOOM
GOOOOD STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thx! I don't think people understand this chapter was supposed to be like a diary. An image of what it's like in Taylor's head
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This was a great story, Djuanna! The emotions are strong and well conveyed; the words efficiently connecting to the readers. I could feel the tiredness of the protagonist and the feeling as if being lost in the vast sea - nowhere to go. I really loved how while fighting through all this, the MC just wanted to be herself.
Great Job!
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