Dreaming of Morris

Submitted into Contest #166 in response to: Start your story with someone saying “I quit!” ... view prompt

14 comments

Contemporary Fantasy Fiction

I quit. I can’t take the dread and agony any longer. I am no Morris James. I am no Royal Reptile. I'm deathly afraid of landing in jail or a psychiatric ward again.


For a second consecutive night, I cannot sleep. It’s four in the morning and I want to drive to the beach. Again. Tonight, though, I want to take the chance I didn’t last night, when I snuck out of the house I share with my mother, got into my car, filled my tank with gas, bought a packet of five bourbon-flavored cigars, and drove to a street close to Pacific Coast Highway and adjacent to the shoreline, where I wanted to swim into the ocean as far as I possibly could, brave drowning, test limits, and face the unknown, to be like the person who consumes my thoughts during most of my waking days. 


I believe The Way Out’s song “Full Moon Dive” describes an experience Morris James had of swimming offshore on a moonlit evening. The song’s closing words relate an episode like the one I’m fantasizing about this morning well before dawn. I reside in the penumbra of James. I’m in a limbo of the soul because of him. 


Asleep or awake I dream of Morris. For the past four years, I’ve gotten into deep trouble with relatives and acquaintances as well as the law, and neither family nor friends could understand when I held Morris and his influence accountable for my behavior. Psychiatrists, psychologists, officers of the law and district attorneys never failed to point their fingers at me whenever I went mentally awry or legally astray.  


I’ve flirted with being like Morris off and on since the start of the 2000s. I’ve wanted to talk, smoke, drink, drug, sex, and fight like Morris. But mostly I’ve wanted to sing like him. I readily empathize with the actor Wilson Creed, who had the opportunity to portray James in the film The Way Out


After his role was over, Creed had to go to therapy because he couldn’t get out of character. I’ve seen therapists as well, but none have been able to assist much. 


I have often thought of myself as wearing a mask of Morris’ face. I’ve faced the world imagining myself with his visage donned, and I still have the habit of doing so. During the times I sought psychological help, the genius I call Morris had too strong a hold on my psyche. He is firmly entrenched in my carnal soul. But for my family’s sake I can’t be like Morris, for my sanity’s sake, I won’t be like him. Instead of getting into a car this morning and distressing an aging mother, angering a loyal girlfriend, possibly getting into trouble with the police for being on the beach afterhours, or drowning, I choose to sit and tap on a laptop’s keys. I reason that perhaps I can fight myself free of Morris if I write my way out of him.


Morris is the latest pave stone in a life trajectory that has been marked by generally obedient conduct as a youth, academic and creative success as a young adult, and of diagnosed mental illness in my mature years. I turned 43 in September and am well past the age where maladjustment befits a person. I’ve chosen to write about my experiences in the hopes that it can assist others who find themselves spellbound by the desire to emulate an idol, but are held back by the desire to listen to their good consciences. 


Oftentimes, those caught in the web of identification with a celebrity feel that they are failures if they don’t allow the crafty spider that has spun the alluring and sometimes admittedly beautiful web of a famous life to completely consume their souls. I write for those whose struggle to recover from substance use or behavioral illness has entailed fighting very real, nameable daemons. Daemons that have thousands of names. My daemon goes by the name of Morris, yours could go by a countless number of names that were possessed by renowned persons no longer living, or even by the legions of living dead that have found footing in celebrity. 


If you’re reading this and can relate, you most likely know who your daemon is or daemons have been. I believe the best way to exorcise your daemon is to follow the ancient credo “know thyself.” I’m convinced the best way to know thyself is to write thyself. And, I’d like to be able to prove that writing oneself can be an effective means of healing oneself.   


I’m currently horrified by the state of the world. I’m almost certain Morris James would be similarly distraught by contemporary turns in political, economic, environmental, social and cultural events. The world needs saving as it always does, and although I’m not certain whether Morris contributed to saving the world in his lifetime, if I’m honestly to recover from my mental illness and redeem myself in the eyes of society, I must choose to fight this battle for worldly salvation wearing no face but my own. The last thing I’d want is to censor Morris James’ poetry and music, deprive existing and potential fans of his mesmerizing virtual presence on the earth, but I’d like to warn those wanting to become like Morris that doing so entails passing through a needle’s exacting eye, that many are called, but few have the discipline, willpower, or faith necessary to wear the crown of a genuine rock star.


My name is Foley Gaspers. It is not Morris James and I’m giving writing another go for old time’s sake. For the sake of returning to a time when I was not troubled by the ghost of Morris James, of going back to a time before I did drugs, before I wanted to know it all, to a time when I did not think the world is on the brink of catastrophe, a time of relative innocence when I did not suspect deception and conspiracy held sway between the races and sexes, a time when I did not wear a mask that led me down paths of wisdom and knowledge, but more so of madness and unforgiving folly. 

October 05, 2022 02:13

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14 comments

Graham Kinross
08:26 Nov 02, 2022

Is your profile a self portrait you painted? “latest pave stone,” paving stone? The struggle here makes me think of the song Stan by Eminem, obsession with a particular celebrity that ruins a life, although I guess here it is both enriching and pulling your MC’s life off course. It’s tough to weigh your life against someone else’s. I know that issue. There are so many things I want to do in life that all required more time than I ever have as one person. I think I’m living the best life I can with just 24 hours in my day but the endless po...

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Mike Panasitti
14:55 Nov 02, 2022

Profile is a self portrait. It was partially painted in Berkeley, partially in Mexico City nearly twenty years ago. Yes, "paving stone" is correct. Never thought of the comparison between Foley Gaspers and Stan. It's interesting. Given that Foley is another autobiographically-informed character, readers can peer into the nucleus of my malaise by means of this story. Gifted, yes (less than you). Accursed, yes (given my mental diagnosis and history of institutionalizations, I'd guess more than you). But I'm really trying to pull myse...

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Graham Kinross
16:08 Nov 02, 2022

Every celebrity my age or younger that I like. I do the ‘by my age they had already…’ Which doesn’t help anyone. Never stops us though.

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19:56 Oct 24, 2022

"I reside in the penumbra of James. I’m in a limbo of the soul because of him." Wow, Mike. Layers and layers here. What to start with first? Smartly written. Present tense verbs were absolutely the right choice. Almost a Washington Irving-esque feel to it -- a man who "wakes up" to a world that's moved on. Interesting that "Know Thyself" was carved on the side of the temple of Apollo along with “Nothing in excess” and “Pledge and destruction is near." The last one cautions us against being sure of anything. When we think we know somethin...

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Mike Panasitti
11:56 Oct 25, 2022

Yes, Deidra, I agree. We haven't had much mental or spiritual progress since the Greeks. I'm of the opinion that the underside of Christianity is Dionysian. Who is "Pledge and destruction is near" attributed to? As always, thanks for reading and commenting.

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Graham Kinross
08:31 Nov 02, 2022

In some ways, Greek attitudes to religious freedom and sexuality were more open than our own. In others, they were cultural zealouts, particularly the often worshiped Spartans who had slaves and went to ‘war’ with them once a year, which was really just an excuse to scare them into servitude. That said there is modern day slavery all over the world. Conservatism and populism seem to be on the rise worldwide since the years of relative peace and prosperity after WW2, for some countries, couldn’t last forever.

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Mike Panasitti
15:10 Nov 02, 2022

The worst slavery is that to conventional wisdom - whether it come from conservative or liberal pundits and media sources. I think conservatism is just a sick response to a surge in an equally sick liberal agenda, emanating primarily from American and Americanized college campuses as well as the entertainment industries. Peace and war are states of mind as much as they are reflected in physical events. I'd say the places of the Cold War (with its occasional hot flashes) and the war on terror, have been usurped by the wars for culture (who...

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Graham Kinross
16:13 Nov 02, 2022

I think most of the world is heading for that point of division thanks to the way people get their news. Everyone soaks up information from their own choice of media now and they’re fed the ideas that agree with how they think. Things are the ‘worst they’ve ever been,’ whether people are on the left or the right because it sells more. No one keeps coming back to the news if it tells people everything is fine. It’s easier to think that there’s more crime because every little incident is reported in minute detail the moment it happens, unlike ...

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20:29 Oct 09, 2022

I was fascinated and intrigued by your story, going into the inner mind of your character, his inner and outer world. I'm new to the site and so have not read any of your work, in fact, this is only the second story I've read (yours is much better,) I submitted an 'I Quit!' story so I thought I'd read a few that had a good number of 'likes' next to them to see what more seasoned writers were coming up with. Anway, well done - I found your story compelling.

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Mike Panasitti
01:11 Oct 10, 2022

Thanks for reading John C., and congrats on submitting your first story.

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10:07 Oct 10, 2022

Thanks for the encouragement Mike!

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Michał Przywara
21:21 Oct 05, 2022

A very intimate look directly into Foley's mind. I don't recall if we've had first-person with him before; it feels new though. I think there are a lot of recognizable, relatable, and relevant things in this story. The first thing that came to mind was addiction, or more broadly, when we do things we don't necessarily want to do, but are (seemingly) powerless to stop. Maybe it's entrenched habit then, or the bewildering little self-destructive patterns we fall into. Foley's aware. He understands he hurts his loved ones, and himself too. ...

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Mike Panasitti
22:13 Oct 05, 2022

You're not only our tribal scribe, Michal, you're the tribe's resident angel. Blessings to you, and I hope your writing projects continue to bear fruit.

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Jim Firth
09:37 Oct 05, 2022

Foley is vicariously enmeshed with Morris, but he's got a handle on it and is going to 'prove that writing oneself can be an effective means of healing oneself.' Amen to that; I can attest to the healing power of writing, even though I haven't 'written myself' that much as yet (at least not consciously). You had me wondering if this is part of a plan to bring Foley and Morris together in the same story at some point. That would be cool. I'm not sure how their meeting would go down!

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