Good Deed's Day

As long as we are discussing special dates, my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving: I enjoy preparing a huge meal and having people over to watch football (although personally, I prefer the parade, as it reminds me of my long-lost childhood days). Christmas is also all right. We celebrate the birth of Our Lord, children expect the arrival of Santa, and everyone gathers around the Holliday Tree. I also like candles, beautifully ornamented neighborhoods, and wrapping up gifts for my beloved nephews and nieces. New Year is not bad either. Ok, so I don't like it when people drink a lot and end up kissing strangers only because it's midnight. And yet, the New Year is a symbol I cannot overlook: a blank page, new opportunities for everyone. I do my best to stick to my resolutions.

But if there's a holiday I cannot stand is April fool's Day. What's so funny about potentially damaging pranks? The streets get dirty, tons of valuable material goods get damaged, and people are getting hurt. Believe me; I know what I'm talking about! I happen to know a woman who knows a guy whose dentist died of a heart attack after one of his patients put a rubber spider under his tongue. Could you please explain to me how that is supposed to make anyone laugh?

After spending the past fifteen years hiding inside my apartment all through the sordid day (no picking up my phone either), I decided this year it would be different. I would do things my way. What's the opposite of creating elaborate pranks? I squeezed my brain trying to come up with a solution. I don't want merely to avoid being outwitted; I want to stop the spiral of meaningless stupidity, confusion, and mockery. So I decided to turn April Fool's Day into a Good Deed's Day. Hey, who knows? Maybe it will catch up!

When I woke up that morning, I went to the café on the corner to have breakfast. I noticed a poor old beggar was sleeping next to the entranceway. I got my coffee to go, and I decided to get an extra cappuccino for him. He was obviously wasted, that poor man. It was a warm, sunny morning, and I thought a nice cup of coffee would enlighten his spirit. I shook him by the shoulder to wake him up, and the revolting smell of his dirty clothes, which looked stuck into his even filthier skin, revolted my stomach. "Good morning, sir", I said in my kindest tone, "here's a warm, nice cup of coffee for you". He sat down and stared at me in disbelief. "So… coffee, huh?" he mumbled, "Tell me, ma'am, how much did those kids pay you?" "I-I don't understand, sir, which kids?" "Those bratty little bastards! I know what day is today, and you know what? I'M NOT DRINKING PISS EVER AGAIN!" he yelled, pouring the content of the cup into my purse!

I yelled in horror, remembering I had some cash, my credit cards, and my favorite handkerchief. The beggar went back to sleep despite my protests, and I had to come back home to change my purse. Such a magnificent leather purse all ruined! But that wouldn't bring me down. There were plenty of people out there who were in need of assistance. I just needed to choose them more carefully next time.

As I walked out again, I noticed the sidewalk of my house was all dirty. Someone had been walking their dog and had forgotten to collect after them. Usually, I would have cringed in disgust, but today was my very first Good Deed's Day. I grabbed the empty paper bag that contained the cup of coffee –I tried to put aside the sad thought of how my first good deed had come out– and, holding my breath, I collected the dog's residuals. While I was carrying the bag to the wastebasket around the corner, I was unlucky enough to bump into a police officer. He was young, in a hurry, and I was unlucky to splat the paper bag against his uniform. "Lady, that had better be a chocolate brownie", he said, in a tone that left no chance of replica. "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry, officer", I tried to explain, but the disgusting smell coming out of the smashed paper bag was faster than my apologies. "I see, so we have an old prankster here", he took the ticket notebook and proceeded to fine me, "Oh, no, no! I was, I was picking after a dog, you see…", "I see no dog around", "I don't have one, it's just…", "First of all, aren't you a little too old to be carrying a poop bag? I know it is April Fool's Day and all, but you should know better at your age!" "At my age! Excuse me, officer; I'm not sixty years old yet, and by the way, I was just trying to keep my neighborhood clean!" "Hahahaha, so you are sixty! You clearly look like a teenage boy in an ugly disguise! I would be quiet if I were you unless you want me to add lying to a police officer to the fine!"

Anyway, that left me $80 poorer, and almost ready to quit my Good Deed's Day. By that time, it was almost midday and I was feeling hungry. I went into my favorite restaurant and ordered something to eat. When the waitress brought my plate, I double-checked the salt; I didn't want to put talcum powder or sugar into my pasta primavera. It tasted rather good. I would leave a generous tip, which, judging by the slow service and the bitter expression on the woman's face, totally counted as a good deed, and call it a day. I asked for the check.

"Hey, madam", the waitress said, when returning to my table, "your credit card bounced". "Oh, my… I'm so sorry dear; I think there must be a mistake". And then it hit me: I have taken the wrong card when I had to change my purse because of the coffee spilled by the beggar. And I barely had any cash with me! "Oh, I'm so, so sorry, please allow me to go home and get some money, I'll be back in no time, I promise!" "Right…", she gave me an ironic smile, "you'll come back and pay… on April Fool's Day! Look, lady, I'm young enough to be your great-granddaughter, but I'm no fool! Come and talk to the manager with me".

The manager, ok, I thought. For once, he must be a reasonable man. It turns out he wasn't. I ended up doing the dishes for half an hour to pay for my pasta primavera! "Oh, for God's sake, this is the worst day ever! And all I ever wanted was to do some good deeds". Now I was tired, looking forward to going home, and ready to hit the shower and go to bed.

The sun was still shining, so I decided to take a shortcut through the park, and I noticed the rose bush was blooming. The pink flowers looked so lovely! It shouldn't be such an awful day, right? I stopped by to smell one… and a freaking bee stung my nose! And to make things even worse, out of the blue, the sky got dark and the next thing I noticed, heavy rain was pouring down and I was soaking wet before I arrived at my doorstep. As I tried to unlock the door, my key broke down and I was left outside, under the storm! I don't like cursing, but it seemed I was being the victim of a huge, elaborated prank myself! Who could be so cruel to put an elder woman to so much misery, and why?

And then I realized what was going on. "There's only one explanation for all of this!" Hear me out, you wicked, wicked writer! I know I'm only the victim of one of your most complex pranks! Don't you dare end up your story and leave me here, all by myself! All I ever wanted to do was to help people! And now you too, all of you readers, I can hear you laughing at my misery! Shame on you, shame on all of you! Oh, how I hate April Fool's Day!