Dim Lightning

“Don’t mind me.” I mumbled under my breath as a man leaned over me to grab hot sauce from the shelf. His gut was closer to my head than I would have liked and his body odor was wafting down to me from his arm pit, causing me to crouch lower to the floor. I prayed he would get what he wanted and leave. He lingered, unsure if the mild “Happy Dancin’ Tamale” was better than the “Flamin Tango.”

“Find what you’re looking for?” I call up from my crouch, my scanning gun tapping impatiently on the hard dirty floor.

The man glanced down at me. “Hey lady, you got anything better than this?” He said, with a tone that I did not appreciate.

“Ketchup is in the next aisle.” I offered, sarcasm dripping from my voice. The man gave me a funny look, then set down the “Flamin Tango” and settled for the more mild option. He finally departed, giving me another confused look as he left.

“Livin life on the edge I see.” I muttered, shaking my head as I continued the task I had been doing. I grabbed a ranch dressing, scanned it, then set it back.

It was inventory day. The worst day.

I grabbed, scanned, listened for the beep, then put it back. Over and over. All the while crouched near the floor.

My back hurts.

A high pitched voice from the other aisle broke my concentration.

“Oh my Gawd, Tiffany! You can’t just call people that!” The voice said, giddy with joy. My hand paused as I was about to scan the next item. Please no. Please don’t come down this aisle.

A tall brunette sporting the same uniform I had on turned down the aisle, her smile widening with happiness as she caught sight of me. My frown deepened.

Chelsie.

“Ellie!!” She squealed. “It’s been ages since we’ve had a shift together!” She waltzed over. I ignored her, continuing my rhythm.

“What are you up to?” She asked as she leaned against the shelf and started picking underneath her manicured nails.

“Inventory.” I muttered.

“Oh my Gawd, is that today? Matt has been worried about that for weeks. I can’t believe I forgot about it! No wonder everyone is so uptight today.” She exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes. Chelsie and Matt, our manager, had started “secretly” dating about a month ago. It had only made Chelsie more insufferable.

“Anyways, have you heard the gossip? There’s a new hero in town! He’s been taking out all the raz-ma-taz villos.” She said excitedly as she turned to face me.

“Raz-ma-taz villos.” I muttered, bored, still scanning.

“Yeah. My own word for the bad guys. You can use it if you want. Anyways, the new hero was just spotted a couple blocks away! They say he has some kind of light powers, or something. I don’t know much about it, but Jen knows more. When I get more of the gossip I’ll come back and tell you.”

“Feel free not to.” I grumbled.

She folded her arms, a concerned look coming across her face. “Oh Ellie, did you not have enough time to brush your hair today? You know, if you ever want a date you have to look presentable. Appearance is important, especially in your thirties.”

The girl meant well, she was just an idiot.

“It’s Elenor.” I said. Not Ellie.

“You know, once you get those braces off I can help you get a make over! With a nice little hair cut and some make up you’ll be a total babe!” She said, “You can be my very own Mia. You know, from Princess Diaries?”

Please, Lord, get this girl away from me.

Our walkies crackled to life, interrupting our wonderful conversation. “Chelse?” A voice said over the line.

Our strong and brave manager was calling his cutie.

She giggled, unclipping the walkie from her belt and bringing it to her lips. “Yes, love?” She replied.

Kill me now.

The line was quiet for a moment, and then his response-, “Not sure what you mean by that, but could you make your way over to the office.”

She giggled. “Sure thing… Sir.”

I held back an audible groan, and felt a wave of relief as she walked away.

Finally alone again, I stood from my crouch, rolling my tense shoulders. I looked down at my watch, finding that only two hours had passed since I clocked on. It was going to be a long shift.

I glanced over the screen of my price gun, noticing the battery was getting low. Might as well head to the breakroom and take a small break.

Just as I started to leave the aisle a horrifyingly loud crash shook the building. Bottles of condiments and spices flew from the shelves, clattering to the floor. Light fixtures shook from the ceiling, blinking on and off as they went. I grabbed the shelf next to me, stabling myself and it. The quake stopped, and the lights stopped blinking, revealing the messy aisle. The aisle I had just spent two hours on.

My head felt like it would explode with rage.

A mangled cry caught my attention, distracting me from the mess. It was on the other side of the aisle. Slowly I made my way over, feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

I was correct.

As I glanced around the aisle I found a wild scene unfolding before me.

Shelves were toppled over. Products of every kind were scattered around the building, as though a bomb had gone off. At the center of the mangled mess stood a tall figure clad in all black. He had his arms raised and a wicked smile across his face.

It was Nixus. One of the city's villains. Or ‘raz-ma-taz villos’ as Chelsie would say.

Nixus was a B class villain. His ability allowed him to levitate things at will. Although he was classified as strong, he didn’t have the mind of an entrepreneur. This made his main goal to bully anyone who seemed somewhat better than him.

Which would explain the young hero that was being strangled by ceiling cable wires.

How’d I know he was a hero? The oversized sweatshirt would have made me doubt it, but it was his electric white and yellow tights that gave it away.

The poor guy was hanging by the ceiling cables like a marionette puppet.

“Thought you could get the better of me, oh so powerful Lightning Rod?” Nizus roared loudly.

Lightning Rod? Seriously? That’s the dumbest hero name I’ve heard of.

The young man was trying to make a clever comeback, but the wires from the ceiling were tightening around his neck, cutting off his air.

Bad form on Nixus’ part.

I looked around the store, wondering where everyone went. It seemed to be just me and these knuckleheads.

I looked around at the mess they had created. Would we have to shut the store down to repair all this? How long would that take? I doubted I’d get paid time off. That or I’d be the one to clean it all up. Chelsie would find a way out of it no doubt.

My mood was growing darker by the second.

These two knuckleheads.

Another crash sounded as some kind of bolt of lightning shot at Nixus.

The Lightning Dork was fighting back. And making more of a mess. This needed to end. Now.

I turned back down my aisle, heading straight for the hot sauce. “Flamin Tango it is.” I muttered under my breath as I grabbed it off the floor.

I stomped back over to the entrance of the aisle, searching the floor for my next idea. Thankfully the housing supply department was close by. I picked up the package that read “Tide Pods”. I ripped it open and carefully grabbed one of the pods, searching again for the final item I needed.

A toilet plunger.

A heavy duty toilet plunger. Har har.

I found it, half heartedly listening to Nixus as he started droning on about how he was the strongest man in the entire world and all should bow down to him. Or something like that. The two didn’t seem to notice me as I sauntered up to them, uncapping my hot sauce.

“- and all shall feel my rath,-”

“Hey Raz-ma-taz!” I yelled, letting all my rage unleash in the words.

Nixus stopped, turning to face me. His expression looked as though I were the worst scum of the earth who dared speak to a god.

I smirked. “Not in my store.”

The hot sauce shot out of the bottle and flung through the air, right into the villain’s eyes. He screamed and tumbled backwards. I closed in on him, shoving the tide pod in his mouth.

Don’t do dumb things kids. It makes you… dumber.

In shock of the foreign thing in his mouth, he bit down, causing the pod to explode. Blue goop seeped out of his mouth. His eyes, red and swollen, widened in horror.

But that wasn’t my final blow. “Time to take out the crap!” I yelled. I know, it sounded better in my head.

I hefted the heavy duty plunger over my shoulder and swung it as hard as I could. The metal handle hit his head with a sickening crack, and then he fell down, completely passed out.

The instant Nixus was out, the cords around Lightning Sod unraveled, causing him to fall to the floor. I glanced over at him as I pulled out my walkie.

“Clean up on aisle twelve.” I said.

The walkie crackled to life, “Dammit Elinor, if you break another jam jar it’s coming out of your next pay check.”

I rolled my eyes, lifting the walkie up to make a comeback, but a voice interrupted me.

“How?” Light Nimrod asked. “You took him out as if it were nothing.”

I looked over at him, noticing his voice was hoarse. He looked worse for wear, and it wasn’t just because he got the snot beat out of him. Speaking of snot, it was running down his nose like Niagara falls.

He had a cold.

I stepped a little back from him, then noticed a bottle of vitamin C at my feet. I picked it up and tossed it over to him. “You should come here during the nightshift.” I said, “For me this is just another Tuesday.”

He stared up at me in awe.

“You should probably head over to the Deli department and grab some chicken noodle soup. They made it just a couple of hours ago. Should help that stuffy nose.” I said, turning away from him and heading back to my aisle.

“Thanks.” was his reply.

I stared at the messy aisle, my hands on my hips. This day was just getting longer and longer. I started to pick things up when low and behold, Chelsie came out of nowhere.

“Jeepers!” She whistled, looking over the mess. “I didn’t realize inventory could get so messy!”

She was completely serious.

I glanced back over at the sick hero who was slowly staggering towards the other side of the building. He tripped over a carton of juice, crashing back down to the floor.

“Hey Chelsie, you might want to go help Dim Lightning over there.” I muttered.

“Oh my Gawd, Ellie. You can’t just call people that.”