Chester & Luna's New Year's Resolutions

“Do you know what day it is?” asks Luna.

“Uh-hmm,” Chester dismisses the intrusion.

“Betcha don’t.”

“I do. Now leave me alone. You’re almost as pesky as the neighbor’s cat,” says Chester.

“Okay then what day is it?” says Luna needling him.

“God, you’re annoying. But to humor you, it’s New Year’s Eve.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you think I didn’t notice that he was wearing a tux when they left the house?”

“He wouldn’t even let you sniff his crotch,” says Luna.

“He just didn’t want any of my hair to rub off on his black pants.”

“And what about her?”

“A real knock-out in that low-cut cocktail dress and all that perfume. It’s like she was trying to mask all the humanness.”

“Have you decided on your resolution this year?” asks Luna, getting around to the real reason she is bringing up the date.

“I’m not sure. Maybe I'll wait until after he throws the ball to go chase it. I’m not as young as I used to be. I might manage it,” replies Chester.

“That’s a good one. Kind of hard though,” says Luna.

“Or maybe I’ll stop drinking from the toilet.”

“Well, you’re not a pup anymore. You should be able to do that.”

“What about you?” asks Chester.

“Haven’t decided. Might stop jumping up on their guests.”

“Even Aunt Bessie?” challenges Chester.

“Well not Aunt Bessie. She makes it too much fun when she looks at me with terror in her eyes. So I lick her face to let her know we’re friends.”

“Friends? She hates you!” says Chester, stating the obvious.

“Maybe. But if she just took the time to get to know me, I bet she’d love me.”

“Nah. She’s a cat person; you can tell.”

“What other ideas do you have?” asks Luna.

“I’m still deciding. I might stop pulling on the leash.”

“That’ll work -until you see a squirrel,” warns Luna.

”True. I could stop barking at the mail carrier?”

“You can’t! Might as well say you’ll stop humping in the park.”

“That mail carrier is a drama queen. He can see I’m wagging my tail when I bark. I’m just lettin’ everyone know we’ve got mail. Sheesh,” says Chester unable to cover his disgust.

“I could stop digging in the backyard,” says Luna.

“What if there’s a bone buried there?” challenges Chester.

“You’re making this hard. Maybe we should think of things we can do instead of things we aren’t gonna do,” suggests Luna.

“I know what I’d like to do. When the meat is resting on the counter. I’d like to jump up and get it before they catch me.”

“Can you imagine a whole t-bone to yourself?”

“Chicken’s pretty good too,” says Chester.

“Too bony. Give me a steak any day.”

“Hey I know a good one. What if you stopped being afraid of the vacuum cleaner?” says Chester.

“I could do that. I could hang out in the other room when the vacuum comes out. Oh, wait a minute. Can I still whimper and hide under the bed when the fireworks go off in the summer?” Luna asks making sure she knows the ground rules before committing to anything.

“Sure. Fireworks are scary. The vacuum cleaner is manageable.”

Chester and Luna stop talking about their New Year’s resolutions to watch the ball drop on tv. For some reason the humans leave the set on when they go out.

“They probably think we’ll be bored,” says Luna.

“I don’t chew on the furniture because I’m bored. I thought you would understand that,” says Chester.

“I do. It just feels so darn good, doesn’t it?”

“This is boring. I wonder what else is on,” laments Chester looking back at the tv. If the humans were home, they would be watching the game.

“I know. All those humans squashed together to shout out numbers and watch that ball coming down.”

“And when it finally does, no one even chases after it,” says Chester.

“Crazy.”

“If that place had been filled with dogs instead of humans, every one of us would have been going after it.”

“Doesn’t make sense, does it?” says Luna.

“Nope. The ball drops and the humans start kissing. What’s up with that?”

“They’re well trained. Do it every time,” observes Luna.

“I’m exhausted after chasing that squirrel around in the park this afternoon,” Chester says stretching his jowls and giving a yawn. “Let’s go lay on the bed until they come home and we have to make roon for them.”

“Well, I hope they’re having fun. I can’t wait until tomorrow,” says Luna.

“Yeah me too. When they roll in here early in the morning, still tipsy.”

“I bet we get locked out of the bedroom again,” says Luna.

“Probably. All I know is for the second time in a week, we’re going to get a chewy toy filled with peanut butter so that they can nurse their hangovers without us barking to let them know how much we missed them,” says Chester licking his lips in anticipation.

“I love chewy toys.”

“Me too,” says Chester. “It’s my favorite part of the holidays.”

“I wonder if we’ll get cream cheese like last year,” says Luna.

“I doubt it since you threw up all over the living room rug last time.”

“I ate too fast. I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Well, you blew it. We’re not going to be seeing cream cheese again anytime soon,” says Chester.

“You’re probably right. It’ll be peanut butter. Or kibble.”

“Stop you’re making me hungry,” says Chester who can eat all the time.

A few hours later, Luna wakes up first. Looking around the room she wonders, “Hey did they even come back last night?”

“Doesn’t look like it.”

“Maybe they went for the walk,” Luna suggests.

“Our walk? They wouldn’t go without us.”

“Not our walk. The walk,” says Luna.

“That takes hours. They wouldn’t go without letting us out first. I wonder what makes that walk so special that we can’t go.”

“I heard them talking about it this morning. First, they walk across the Golden Gate Bridge and talk about everything that happened during the year. Then they walk back across the bridge and discuss their plans for the next year,” explains Luna.

“That's sweet but I don’t see why we can’t go if that’s all there is to it,” says Chester.

“I hope they let us out before they do that. I really need to go and I don’t want to break my first New Year’s resolution by piddling in the house.” Luna slumps down, contemplating a walk she is excluded from. What a start to the New Ye-

“Hey guys!” The humans burst into the house, suddenly alive with activity. Chester rubs up against his human while Luna begins barking. “You guys want to go for a walk on a bridge with us?” the human asks.

Chester and Luna run to the front door as if someone had shouted “fire”. No need to ask twice. Both tails are wagging and the humans seem happy too.

“I call the window seat!” Chester says. Hanging his head out the window and feeling the wind in his ears, Chester thinks 'it can’t get better than this'. When they pull up to a red light and he looks over at the next car, Chester sees another dog whose human has not rolled down the window for him. Chester doesn’t let this deter him from his own enjoyment. He knows he is living the good life.

Racing across the bridge, Chester pulls on his leash, but then slows down when he realizes he has made a resolution about this very behavior. He hopes the humans will include them from now on in their annual bridge walk tradition.

On the way home, the humans break their New Year’s resolutions by stopping for a drink and going off their diets. They seem slightly embarrassed by this when they discuss it, but Luna notices they also seem happy, making her wonder why they have New Year’s resolutions to begin with.

As they pull up to the house, there is an Amazon Prime truck parked in front of the house. The driver, whose arms are full of packages, does not see Luna coming as she lunges, jumping up on him, while barking and licking his face. Chester comes from behind and immediately begins humping his leg before the humans pull him off.

Luna hangs her head and says to Chester, “Guess we didn’t do very well with our resolutions this year.” 

“Sure, we did,” Chester replies. “We lasted a lot longer than our humans did.”