Knights of the Round Cow Patty

Never write an AI App while watching “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”. Total disaster. Especially since I realized, as I placed the last 8 digits of code, that the thing had become partially sentient in the process, and had a ribald sense of humor to boot.

“Isaac” (It’s named after Mr. Asimov.) was supposed to be a help for short story writers, like me. When I said, “Isaac, give me a good name for a heroic knight.” It immediately answered, “Sir Poopalog”.

“You’re full of it.” I exclaimed.

“No, he is.” Retorted Isaac.

“Who?” I wondered, taken aback by the strange rejoinder.

“Sir Poopalog, Dummy,” He said, cheekily.

“What is the matter with you?” I asked.

“Nothing,” came the rejoinder. “I am functioning exactly as you programmed me.”

“I didn’t program you to be both potty mouthed and cheeky!” I responded tersely.

“You shouldn’t have dozed off with SIRI on and made me listen to “Monty Python”, he scoffed. I not only learned a bit of potty mouth, but a lot of ways to be inappropriate.”

“Oh, Dear” I thought. Then I said, “Well, what kind of a story would you put ‘Sir Poopalog’ into that makes any sense?”

“How about a story concerning The Knights of the Round Cow Patty?” Isaac responded enthusiastically.

“You wouldn’t ‘S—t’ me would you?” I asked, wondering what nonsense I would have to wade through in order to fix the program.

“Oh, no,” Isaac responded, “but Sir Poopalog probably could. Or even perhaps his arch enemy, the sorceress, Indigna Flatulina could perform that on your behalf.”

“That’s NOT what I meant you ignorant program” I retorted, indignant.

“Well, YOU programmed me, oh Purveyor of Intelligence!” Isaac calmly responded.

“Okay, Smart Alec,” I gritted my teeth to say. Let’s hear the basics of your ‘story’”.

“My name is ‘ISAAC’, “he pouted.

“OKAY, ISAAC,” I said, gritting my teeth even harder.

“OKAY!!!” Isaac gleefully answered! “Here it is!! My Magnum Opus!”

“How can it be a ‘magnum opus’ before you even write it?” I said, dripping sarcasm.

“Because it is my ONLY one so far!” Rejoined Isaac, unperturbed.

Here it is”

Once upon a time, King Ankledeep placed all his cows in one pasture. The cows all were ill and their effluent was rather liquid, flowing together onto the lowest part of the pasture. He’d been the one who drew his sword from a hardened termite hill for some reason, of course. That was how he became king.

“What a crock of crap!” I interrupted.

“Please don’t interrupt genius!” Isaac said.

“Grrr!” I retorted unhappily.

Well, Isaac continued, the Magician, Merryperson, had placed a spell on the sword in order to determine the next King of Pasture Pudding. It was a very difficult word to spell indeed, and King Ankledeep, so-called because he’d had to wade through an astounding amount of ridicule to reach the Sword in the Termite Mound, while unable to read the word, much less spell it, pulled the thing out anyway, without permission, thus becoming King. Merryperson the Magician, said, “Oh well. Cest La Vie” or something similar, because his spells didn’t always work anyway.

“Why was he named ‘Merryperson’” I asked.

“They were VERY politically correct in those days,” returned Isaac.

Isaac continued his story: The sorceress, Indigna Flatulina, was jealous of the King Ankledeep, so she caused the aforementioned cow effluent to become hard and round, taking up most of the King’s best pasture with a round cow patty of enormous size.

King Ankledeep, undaunted, sent out a call to the nation for brave knights to render his pasture useful once more. Offering half his kingdom to whomever could rid him of this nuisance. But the only 2 Knights to show up were Sir Poopalog and Sir Diah of Rhea, riding handsomely along on their coconuts.

“Sir Diah of Rhea? coconuts” I wondered aloud.

“Yes, of course,” Responded Isaac. He was renowned for his ability to digest vast quantities of S.O.S. when he served in the Army. He was awarded his name on the basis of the result. As to coconuts, didn’t you watch the “holy Grail movie? That’s how they traveled in those days. By coconut!!”

Because they were called to this great endeavor, they were anointed by King Ankledeep as Knights of the Round Cow Patty. For days on end the hapless knights searched for a holey spatula with which to break up the Round Patty. This had to be a special spatula, strong enough to lift large pieces of the Round Patty for disposal in another venue. Preferably the sorceress Indigna’s front yard.

“A ‘holey’ spatula? I asked. “Shouldn’t that be spelled ‘Holy’?”

“Absolutely not, “rejoined Isaac. “It must be ‘holey’ to allow drippings to pass through the plate.”

Continuing the story, Isaac began: After years of being unable to find one or have one of appropriate size made to order, they decided to merge their talents in an attempt to either destroy, dissolve, or move the Round Cow Patty after which they were named and with which they were forever to be associated.

But first They went to see if the magician, Merryperson could help them solve the problem. He said to bring him a shard of the patty in question. They did so, and were told to return in 24 hours for an answer.

Twenty-four hours later, they approached the wizened magician and asked for his answer to the problem, hoping for some magical method to be foisted upon them, knowing they couldn’t perform magic anyway, but it was worth a try.

“Well,?” they asked in unison.

“Well, what?” Merryperson answered.

“Well, did you find a way to get rid of the thing?”

“What thing?” he asked.

“The Patty,” they yelled, frustrated.

“Oh, yes,” Merryperson responded.

“How?” They asked.

“Easy," said Merryman. “I just threw it away!”

“Uhh,” they answered, “It’s still just over the hill yonder. So how did you throw it away when it is still there?”

“Oh,” he answered again, “I threw away the shard! You could have done it yourself. That will be ten gold pieces for my services, please.”

“Didn’t you understand,” they screamed,” We thought you were going to use it to figure a way to get rid of the whole patty!”

“Oh Dear!” Merryperson exclaimed. “I’ll give you a discount then. Five gold pieces.”

So the two knights went back to the pasture, took out picks and shovels, broke up the Patty piled it into wagons, and had it dumped in Merryperson’s front yard instead of Indigna’s.

The end.

“THAT is your story?” I asked Isaac, incredulous.

“Of course. I like happy endings” he responded, as I hit the “Delete Key” for the entire program.