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“Hello. Is this the gate to Hell?” The visitor asked.
The Gate Demon stands there, dumbfounded.
“Hello, yes. I’m looking to meet up with the Devil.” The same visitor inquired.
“Uh... Do you have an appointment?” The Demon asks.
“No. I didn’t know I needed one.”
“Everyone needs an appointment.”
“Oh! Ok. When would be a good time to talk to him?”
“He’s booked up past the next Apocalypse, so it might be a while.”
“How long?”
“One thousand, two hundred, and eighty-four years.”
“That’s when the next Apocalypse is?”
“No, that’s when the next available appointment is.”
“Oh. I don’t know if I’ll be able to wait that long.”
“Sorry.”
“Is there still a way I can see him? I’d like to talk to him sooner rather than later.”
“No one gets past these gates unless they have an appointment. That’s just the rules.”
“I thought there wasn’t any rules in Hell?”
“Nah. There’s plenty of rules. Just no one follows them.”
“Wait, if no one follows the rules, then how come no one can go see him without an appointment?”
“No one likes a line-cutter, including the Devil himself. He sends them back to the line.”
“So they have to wait another whatever thousand years to try and see him again?”
“Sucks to suck, doesn’t it?”
“But what if I had an offer for him I think he’d like?”
“Please. He’s refused so many offers from so many other people. He even refused Hiter’s proposal of invading the entire world. He tried anyways… poor bastard.”
“But I have something for him that I think he’s never been offered before.”
“What’s that?”
“Me.”
“You?”
“Yes.”
“And… who are you again?”
“My name is Carey. I grew up in Vermont. I worked as an accountant for my entire life.”
The Gate Demon looked at him sideways with an eyebrow raised. “You’re not serious… are you?”
“Why would I lie?”
“Well, as far as lies go, that’s got to be one of the worst ones I’ve ever heard. Almost bad enough for it to be true.”
“It is true.”
“You poor creature.”
“So can I go see him?”
“At your scheduled appointment, you can. That’s also after you go though years of paperwork too.”
“Wait, I have to do paperwork after I come at my appointed time?”
“Yes, and it’s a ton. It’s to verify everything you’ve ever said and done to make sure that it’s you. We don’t want any of those slimy lawyers coming after us accusing us of bringing in the wrong person.”
“Literally every single thing I’ve said and done?”
“Yeah. We had one guy who didn’t sign one page of his two billion, four hundred and thirty five thousand, two hundred and eighty six sheets, and our best (and worst) lawyer made the argument that since he denied saying it, then he really wasn’t who he was claiming to be, therefore, he could be the wrong person and has to re-sign everything again, since it was null and void.”
“Oh. That sounds annoying.”
“Tell me about it…”
“So, there’s no Earthly way I can see him anytime soon?”
“I’m afraid not. He’s also on vacation in Death Valley too. It gets too hot here sometimes for him. He may not be back here until August.”
“But it’s December.”
“Oh, is it? Dang. Time flies when you’re rotting in hell.”
“Man. I was really hoping to see him.”
“Why?”
“I’m just tired of being good all the time. I would always walk old ladies across the street, pick up my trash and put it in trash bins. I even recycle!”
“Oh! Yeah, that’s too much.”
“Yeah, I know. I was just wondering if there was a way that I could be bad. You know… a bad person.”
“A bad person?”
“Yeah. Like he could coach me on how to be a bad person. Such as pushing random people on the sidewalk, or take a bite from some fruit in a grocery store and put it back, or even call a wrong number and pretend to be a telemarketer!”
“Psh. Rookie stuff. Pretending to be a scammer and getting away with it is pro-level.”
“I think that’s beyond my abilities. Scammers are a league of their own.”
“That’s true. All the scammers here have their own fantasy football league. Not sure where they find the time for that.”
Carey shook the confused look off his face. “Anyways… I wanted to talk to the Devil and see if I could get a few pointers from the Master himself.”
“Eew. He hates it when people call him that.”
“What? Master?”
“Yeah. He finds it insulting to be compared to other masters that use to live on Earth.”
“Why? Because they were so bad?”
“No, because people made that word offensive, and the Devil didn’t think that it was offensive enough for people to get so offended by it.”
“So he’s offended that it wasn’t offensive enough for people to actually get offended by it?”
“Yes.”
“Ok… What does the Devil find ‘worthy’ of offense?”
“Nail filings.”
“Nail filings?”
“Yeah. They’re completely pointless, and they make this horrid sound when used. Sends shivers down his spine when he hears it. Worse than nails on a chalkboard, really. He falls asleep to nails on a chalkboard sound.”
“Well, good thing I don’t have any nail files on me.”
Just then, a black Mercades-Benz Roadster pulls up to the gate. Carey and the demon peer at it until it stops right at the gate. “Hey! You gonna let me into my own place anytime soon? Or stand there like a big clown-nose?”
“My liege, I am so sorry. I wasn’t expecting you to be back so early.”
“And who’s this asshat soiling the air?”
“My name is Carey. I – “
“You seriously think I care? Fuck off.”
“I would like to offer you a deal.”
“A deal of what? So you can get off my fucking lawn?”
“I want to offer myself.”
“What the heaven and hell kind of offer is that?”
“I’m tired of being good all the time. I want to learn to be bad. I want to sell my soul to you so I can learn to be bad.”
The Devil looks deeply in Carey’s eyes. “You must be kidding.” Carey shows no reaction. The Devil does a quick, fake laugh, then stops to look at Carey again, who is still looking back.
“Alright, humor me. Tell me something about yourself that would intrigue me.”
“I memorized the first 200 digits of pi.”
The Devil stares at Carey blankly. “Wow. You are a boring piece of shit. You are probably the most boring, worthless piece of shit I’ve ever met, and that’s saying a lot.”
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t a compliment.”
“Coming from you, sir. It was.”
The Devil turns his head to Carey and starts bursting out laughing. “Jesus Christ! You are a boring fuck.” He shifts the car in gear and goes through the gate, still laughing. Halfway through the gate, he suddenly stops. “You ARE a boring fuck! That’s it!” The Devil quickly goes in reverse and evens out with Carey, who hasn’t moved at all. “Listen. I’ll make a deal with you. You continue to live your life the way you want, yada yada, and at the end of it, I’ll have you come down here.”
“And do what, sir?”
“Just tell your life story to everyone here.”
“Just tell my life story?”
“Yeah! They’ll be so bored in the fist 5 seconds, that they won’t STAND to listen to you anymore!”
“What if they refuse to listen to my story?”
“Then I’ll force them to eat only raw broccoli for five thousand eons. I’ve been wanting an excuse to pull out that bad boy.”
“That’s all?”
“Yeah. They have to stand to listen to your life story for 5 minutes or eat only raw broccoli for five thousand eons. I mean, if God gives people choice, why can’t I?”
“You think that’ll work?”
“Oh yeah. I’ve met you for 5 seconds, and I already can’t stand you. That’s why I’m sending you back to Earth. You can torture some more people up there until you come down here. Get some practice in.”
“Thank you sir! I’m so glad for this opportunity that you’ve –“
“Ok, please, shut the fuck up. I’m already sick of you. I’ll see you in 50 years.”
“50?”
“Yeah. 50 is a good number. You’ll die in the most boring way possible.”
“In my sleep?”
“No. By watching QVC.”
“Oh.”
“Anways, gotta go. There’s… how many people waiting for me? Over 2 quintillion?” He glances over to the Gate Demon, who nods in agreement. “Ugh! Fuck my life.”
The Devil drives down the driveway and into his mansion with infinite rooms that has a bright, green neon sign that says, “No vacancy”.
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