Because of Me

It was a bright day, straight out of a fantasy, with a sky that was a gorgeous cerulean with fluffy white clouds. The birds were chirping, and the sun was shining brilliantly. But there is no happy ending to this fairytale. It was almost ironic how such a beautiful day could follow one that made me lose everything. And now, even as I slowly get over the shock, I ask myself; how did I end up here? In this war-beaten town? Watching over a bloodied battlefield, hearing the ghosts of the lives lost in combat. How did I wind up here, staring blankly at the limp body of my best friend? How could something we have worked towards for months fall into such disarray? How could it end so horribly? But when I look back, I can still see myself, the slightly reckless alpha, the leader of my pack. Wherever I went, my friends followed. The dreams we chased were always mine and yet I had never heard a single word of complaint from any of them. I could not have asked for a more loyal and supportive group of people. We fought through thick and thin together, ever since we were children. And over the years, we grew even closer, me and my crew, until nothing would come between us. My best friend and accomplice, Jax, was my anchor in angry waters, bringing us together with his spirit of adventure and a heart that was big enough for everyone. The twins, Alec and Drake were more like the weather, with an unpredictable mood, yet always a hint of childish fun hidden somewhere in their matching faces. We traveled the world together and found a feeling of peace in the great outdoors. And then, I had an idea. An idea for a land, somewhere we, and soon to be many others, could call home. My mates thought this brilliant and we set out to find this spot. A sanctuary. A refuge. A place anyone could call their own.

But luck was against us. Only a few weeks after we settled into Asterdale, named after our god of unity, someone planted their flag on our soil. Lay claim to our ground. And in doing so, they had declared war. You see, we decided on a government. A democracy, you could say, that let everyone have their own voice. But there were people that was against this. A duo that has overtaken towns and burnt villages to the ground. They had some past grudges. They have seen their kingdoms fall, both in result of a failed governments and anarchies. The people in command quickly rose to all-powerful tyrants. The duo believed that no type of government could be trusted. They took their dictators down, with their own consecutive revolutions, famously dubbed the Uprise of the East Region. This duo teamed up and shook the world with their battle-cries, dousing empires in rivers of blood in the name of independence. They made it their mission to end all governments. They would lay waste to territories, always yelling out for someone to challenge them. For someone to best them. And they soon found out that they never would be challenged. Never could be beat. And their power only grew. As soon as our scouts caught sight of the bold, silver X in the middle of a bloodred flag, I knew that… there was not much of a chance to save Asterdale now. We were too late. But we-, no, I had to try. No matter what, this was the place that I would hold at the expense of my own life. I went into battle for my friends, that were much more like family, for our story that has only barely started, and for Asterdale, the symbol of our hopes and dreams. We prepared. And we planned. We armed and trained our men. We plotted out an escape route. We wrote our ‘Statement of Freedom’. We thought of everything that might mean the difference between victory and defeat for us. And yet… we still failed. We watched our men struggle to hold the lines and the walls crumble around us. Alec and Drake challenged the duo in a duel, a last-ditch attempt at bargaining for our freedom. But they lost, and barely escaped with their lives. Our city had fallen. But Jax demanded to meet with them on the terms of surrender. And as he crossed through no-man’s land, I could clearly see a fiery pride plastered across his ivory-tanned face. I found an air of resistance in his tensed features. Jax would never give up, never concede to his enemies, and I knew that firsthand. So, he negotiated. And did something that shocked us the most. He traded them the only thing that they wanted more than anything. Blood. Royal blood. Jaxon was the last heir of an Eastern kingdom. The final son of a hunted bloodline who came to us for safe haven. And Jax traded it to them. Gave it up willing. A life, for the freedom of Asterdale. His life, for the longevity of his friends, the people he loved most. I had opened my mouth in an angry protest, but Jax grabbed my wrist as he was handed his long-lost diadem.

“You don’t have to try to convince me it’s not worth it, Faye, because I already know it is. You made this place and the people that live within these walls worth dying for. And all I ask from you, is to make my sacrifice worth fighting for. Let the end of my bloodline… let my death kindle this revolution, and let it end in your victory. No one should have to live in constant fear. I know you and I love you. You are worth it, Faye. Remember that, will you?”

He hugged me tightly and walked towards the silver pedestal. This was his death sentence. He shakily placed the crown on his raven-haired head and knelt at their feet. And that’s how we got here. How I ended up watching the midsummer sun begin to rise on a new day without my best friend, whose crown of opal was still settled crookedly on his head. Along with the twins, both half-dead and heartbroken. That’s how I am still looking out across a red-stained field, my gaze only being met by the glazed eyes of people I had once promised to protect. That’s why the grass lay yellow and trampled as our enemies withdrew. Why our flag flew, ripped and smoke covered, yet still flying in the heat of a summer night. And then fell the first snowflake. Landing on my palm. It was perfect, exquisite to look at and cool at the touch. But it soon disappeared, melting fast. I tried to hold on, but it still slipped away, leaving a small pool of water in my curved hand. It faded away so fast I felt like I hadn’t seen enough of it, hadn’t gotten to admire it properly. I clenched my fist, shaking off the water. I must be dreaming. It is the middle of the summer, it cannot be snowing. I walked back over the twins, who were still staring up at our flag.

“Faye, how did we mess up so badly? How did it end up like this? How could everything we have worked towards go so far astray?!”

Alec muttered to me, crying quietly at his brother’s side.

Drake said nothing, but wrapped his arm around Alec, and I turned away, battling to keep my own emotions at bay. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling droplets course down my face and drip off my nose. What have I done? Jax should have been here. Would have been here, to clap me on my back and tell us that we tried our best, to tell us that at least we lived to fight another day. But he wasn’t. My anchor was gone, and now I’m drifting across the tossing waves, lost and lonely.

Sometimes you don’t appreciate how important something is to you, until it’s gone.

I lamented about his sacrifice, about Jax’s life story that was cut so short. About why he chose to do what he did, knowing it would damage us, damage me… forever. He was a traitor, yet a hero. I would never forgive him, but I would make sure no one ever forgot him. None of us were blood related, besides the twins, but they felt more like a real family than my genetic one. The loss cut so deep, I wasn’t sure if it would ever heal. And when I pulled my gaze away from the smothering buildings, my stare once again met that cursed, serrated blade that was still plunged deep into his lifeless frame. The snow slowly began to fall, covering the corpses with a thing layer of white. Like a shroud. Snow in the middle of summer. Almost like Jax wanted to remind me that things could still be beautiful, even without him being there to make it so.

Why did he do it? Out of a sense of duty? No, he knew we would never forgive him for that. The only reason he could’ve found the courage to do it was guilt. Guilt and love, the most powerful

motivators.

The gates holding back my emotions finally failed as tears now slipped freely down my face at an increasing fast pace, cutting rivers through the layers of grime and dried blood. Frost collected on the handle, stinging my hands as pulled out the silver blade at its hilt. It was heavy, as if it embodied my crushing regret. I gripped the handle tightly in both hands, almost in prayer.

If you can hear me, Jax, know that I am truly sorry for giving you a single thing to feel guilty about. I’m sorry that you can’t see that your life meant more to me than this victory. And that I’m sorry for failing you when you have never failed me.

I plunged it deep into the hillside, a small remembrance for the person that had only changed me for the better. The snow fell harder, burying Jax’s body from view. It surrounded me with a cold that I had begged to feel. Something to choke the burning flames of grief inside me. The teardrops continued to fall as I looked straight into the sword’s blade, seeing only the reflection of my tearstained face, tarnished heavily with his blood. My knees buckled, crashing into the snowy forest floor. The twins sat down beside me, as if they sensed I needed support. They each placed a hand on my shoulder as we looked over our independent city. The stark light of the rising sun shone rays of soft luster upon the white ground as I lifted my head towards the fading stars.

What did Alec say? How did we end up here? We wound up here because of me… and my stupid dreams.