Keeping Up with the Olympians, Episode 01

Author's Note: I decided to use all three suggestions in the prompt. AND...

I used my 37-year-old daughter as the inspiration for Athena. As a teenager, everything was SO gross and SO lame.

Enjoy!

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Olympian Police Department

Case File: 2025-08-18-001

Reporting Officer: Chief Daniel Mulligan, Badge #47

Date of Incident: August 11, 2025

Time of Incident: 0911 hours

Location of Incident: Mount Olympus Headquarters, Cloud Level 7

Nature of Incident: Unusual Loss of Divine Power; Potential Public Disturbance; Possible Inter-Pantheon Implications

Victim: Zeus, King of the Gods

Witnesses: Hera, Queen of the Gods, various Olympian deities and staff (names and testimonies attached separately – Exhibit A)

Narrative: At approximately 0700 hours this date, a Code Omega was initiated within Mount Olympus Headquarters. The undersigned responded to the Throne Room where a scene of considerable consternation was unfolding.

His Majesty Zeus was observed attempting, repeatedly and with increasing frustration, to summon his signature lightning bolts. According to eyewitness accounts (Queen Hera being the primary), the King awoke feeling “a bit… off.” During his customary morning thunderclap practice, nothing happened.

Queen Hera, present at the time, reportedly offered what she likely intended as reassurance, stating that such “blips” in power were not uncommon for gods of his “vintage” and that he shouldn’t fret.

She even, rather pointedly according to several observers, mentioned something about a “little blue pill” called Voltage that had been advertised on OlympusNet, suggesting it might “help get his spark back.”

His Majesty’s reaction to this suggestion is not suitable for official record but involved a significant increase in both volume and vein protrusion.

Subsequent attempts, witnessed by numerous deities, proved equally futile.

His Majesty strained, grunted, and resorted to theatrical arm movements. Hera, throughout this display, continued to offer unsolicited advice, reiterating that “it happens to the best of them, dear” and perhaps he should consider a consultation with Asclepius regarding the potential benefits of Voltage.

Initial assessments by Hecate suggest a temporary disruption in His Majesty’s inherent power. Her preliminary findings indicate a complete cessation of the ability to generate and project electro-divine energy.

Hera’s less technical assessment, offered loudly to anyone within earshot, was simply, “Well, his batteries seem to have run out. Happens when you get on in years, you know.”

She then repeated her suggestion regarding Voltage with a knowing glance at Athena, who was visibly bored and “grossed out” with the whole situation.

This development presents several immediate concerns, not least of which is His Majesty’s rapidly deteriorating mood, exacerbated by the Queen’s persistent commentary on the natural decline of divine virility with age and the potential efficacy of Voltage.

Current actions include a full diagnostic by Hecate and consultation with cosmic entities.

We are also implementing a temporary atmospheric stabilization program.

His Majesty has been confined to his private chambers. Queen Hera, before retiring to her own quarters, was heard to call after him, “Don’t forget what I said about Voltage, dear! It’s for your own good!”

This investigation remains ongoing.

End of Report

***

Olympian Times

Headline: SHOCKING DEVELOPMENT! KING OF THE GODS… EXPERIENCING A “MID-DIVINE CRISIS”?

By Lisa Frank

Olympian Times Senior Correspondent

Mount Olympus is abuzz with speculation following unconfirmed reports that the mighty Zeus has… temporarily misplaced his thunderbolt.

Sources within the Olympian hierarchy reveal that the Lord of the Skies experienced a rather quiet awakening this morning. Instead of his usual booming pronouncements, an unsettling silence filled the celestial halls.

Queen Hera, ever the pragmatist, was reportedly quick to offer a surprisingly mundane explanation.

According to insiders, she suggested that such power fluctuations were “perfectly normal for gods of a certain age” and even recommended a little blue pill called Voltage, which she claimed was quite popular among the more… senior members of the pantheon for “reigniting their spark.”

While the Olympian Press Office insists on a “temporary energetic imbalance,” the reality seems far more… embarrassing for the King of the Gods.

Multiple witnesses attest to Zeus’ increasingly frantic attempts to summon his lightning, all of which have ended in fizzling disappointment.

Hera, meanwhile, has apparently taken this opportunity to offer frequent, albeit well-meaning (perhaps?), reminders that “these things happen” and that Voltage could be the answer to his… energetic woes.

The potential ramifications of this divine dilemma are significant. The sudden absence of Zeus’ thunder has raised questions about the stability of the heavens and the future of mortal weather patterns.

Will the lack of lightning lead to a surge in requests for alternative forms of divine intervention?

Will Hera start carrying around a spare thunderbolt in her purse, just in case?

Sources indicate that Zeus is less than thrilled with the current situation, especially Queen Hera’s repeated (and rather public) suggestions regarding his age and the potential benefits of Voltage. Her persistent reminders that “even the mightiest oaks lose their… sap” have reportedly done little to improve his mood.

The inter-pantheon implications are also being closely monitored. Rumors are swirling that other pantheons are viewing Zeus’ current predicament with a mixture of concern and opportunistic glee.

This is a developing story. The Olympian Times will continue to provide updates, including any information on whether Zeus decides to take Hera’s advice regarding Voltage.

End of Article

***

August 18th

Dear Diary,

Ugh. Monday. Seriously?! Dad really needs to outlaw Mondays.

ANYWAY, the whole place is a total mess because Dad can’t even make a little zap happen.

SO... so lame.

Like, can we not just deal with it and move on? There are, like, actual, real problems to solve. And I have to deal with this instead. My day is totally ruined.

The gossip is, of course, everywhere. And it’s SO gross.

Apparently, my STEP "mommy-dearest" Hera told him that his “divine spark” was, like, going out because he’s old... like, ancient. And then she went on and on about some stupid pill called Voltage.

I had to, like, sit through that whole conversation. SO embarrassing. I wanted to just disappear, you know?

Like, can they not keep their marital problems to themselves? It’s my Dad. Really?! Like, T… M… I… SO GROSS!

Honestly, I don’t even care. It’s not affecting my life. I still have to finish my plans for the war with the Trojans. It’s SO much work. Ugh. But at least I get to look at all the tactical plans with Achilles. He is SO totally hot. I mean, seriously, his hair is perfect and those biceps… I can't even. Anyway, I'm supposed to be, like, totally inspired and focused, but everyone is running around like headless chickens.

I just want to put my earbuds in and listen to music and ignore EVERYONE. The constant noise and drama are SO exhausting.

Hera keeps walking around humming some stupid song about “getting your spark back” and leaving little blue candies (I guess they’re Voltage?) on Dad’s throne.

I guess she thinks she’s being SO clever. She’s not. He looks like he wants to smite something, but, you know… he can’t. It’s almost a little sad, in a pathetic, ridiculously over-the-top kind of way.

Maybe he should just take the pill. It would make them both stop talking about it. Then maybe I can get back to my own life.

Later,

Athena (The goddess who’d rather be literally anywhere else)