Something is just not right

Waking up was the strangest thing. Everything felt just like every other morning but I sure had a lot of very bad and realistic dreams. So I open my eyes and I don't recognize the lighting above me. What the hell did I do last night? I can only remember the dreams. I'll have to ask somebody in hopes they can help me clear the fog. Wait a minute! Now it's not just like every other morning. I "feel" normal (no hangover or weird pains) but I usually, at least, remember snippets from the night before. Time to find out where I am bedded down.

I pull back the covers and am a little surprised at mt attire. Seems I'm in a hospital gown. Oh, this can't be good. I attempt to get out of bed and only manage to turn my body sideways on the twin sized bed. My legs are dangling off one side and my head trying to flop off of the other. For some reason, I can not sit upright... and I'm not having any luck turning myself back to normal sleeping direction. I knew this wasn't going to be good.

Then I had a realization. If I'm in a hospital gown, I must be in a hospital. Genius huh? So I did, what I think, any grown, adult male would do in that situation. I screamed, "NURSE!!"

Within 30 seconds a young woman comes running into the room, grabs my ankles and spins me back into place. She then informs me that under no circumstance am I to try to get up. "You're paralyzed from your belly button down".

Okay. This brings up many, many questions. Well...according to this nurse (not memory), I've been in an accident and apparently it happened 10 WEEKS ago! I've been in a coma most of the time and kept heavily sedated when I finally came out of it. Another realization! The weird dreams were actually times when the heavy sedation was wearing off and reality was seeping into my brain. So I really was tied down at one point and I did once use a sheet to move my gurney to get a bottle of water I wasn't allowed to have. (I told you they were weird dreams). I'm glad the one thought about them trying to kill me wasn't true. It seemed so real though. I was even planning my escape by breaking out a window and running away even though I had no idea where I was or that my legs didn't work anymore. Now back to reality.

Accident almost 3 months ago and I do not remember a thing. My name sounded familiar when the nurse used it but everything else was just her telling me a story. However I did learn something. Do not drive a car into a tree!

I spent days upon days lying there trying to remember anything but the dreams but my brain just kept repeating my name. This turned out to be a complete waste of time on a completely useless fact. Just knowing my name does me no good at all. Being tied to the gurney and thinking they are going to kill me is the most prominent thought even though I know it's only half true. Why isn't there a family member at my bedside?

Now I can't remember any family members or even my address. Hell, I can't even remember home life! Everything starts with waking up and seeing lights I don't recognize. But why isn't there anybody here? If this has been going on for so long now, why don't I have at least one person here hoping for that very moment when I finally awoke? Something is just not right.

So here's my thinking. They found my ID and that's how they knew my name. NO. The car was registered to me... at the wrong address. I should have kept shit up to date. But even the address they had wasn't familiar. My mind didn't seem to be working as well as it used too. This seems like a puzzle that I could normally figure out. I'm very familiar with the topic. At least I thought I was.

So apparently...no family, no friends...no co-workers or neighbors. I've been awake for 3 weeks now and not one visitor. They asked if I wanted to use the phone but I cannot even remember the area code that I'm in now. I understand my memory loss but I can't figure out why there is no one here. What kind of man leads such a solitary life? Or!!! Was I such a horrible person that everyone was actually happy that I was now "gone"? That had to be the answer! I had to have had family and acquaintances somewhere along the way. They are all just sitting back thinking, "Good! He can't remember or walk. One less pain in my ass."

Well it seems this "new" brain of mine also comes with a new attitude. I don't need any of you! My life is lived inside my own brain anyway. Whenever you daydream or drift off, you're living inside your brain. Nothing is really happening, but your brain is creating something for you to think about. Since these new limits are put on me I guess I'll be spending more time thinking and doing this a lot. Here's a thought... I can't spend more time thinking because a day is 24 hours and I'm pretty sure I think all day.

I don't even want to remember the past. Whether I was mean to so many or, for some reason, they were always toxic to me. I don't know if it was the things I said or the things I did...and I really don't care. I had a 30% chance of survival from the accident and beat the odds so I think I'm bullet-proof. I've lost ability, the past and all empathy. Now it's all just me! I will do what I want, when I want. I need no one.

Another thought! Maybe this is how I was before and how I got this way.