Public Safety

(Max is the first to sign on. They sort through some papers, neatening their workspace, laying out all the pens they may use, etc. Georgy signs on. Max doesn’t notice, busy as they are reading through some prepared notes.)

Georgy: MAX.

(Max jumps.)

Max: Fuck, Georgy. Don’t scare me like that! 

(Georgy laughs raucously while Max angrily recomposes them-self.)

Georgy: (smirking) Where’s Lance?

Max: Late.

Georgy: You startle like a frightened pigeon. (Makes startled pigeon noises - scared cooing I guess?)

Max: I’m not a pigeon. Get serious George. This is an important meeting.

Georgy: Pffft. Sure whatever, I’ll stop joking when Lance - 

(Lance enters. Or presumably they do. They aren’t actually visible.)

Georgy: Speak of the devil!

Lance: Hi guys!

Max: Lance. You’re late. And we can’t see you.

Lance: Oh! Sorry. (Lance turns on their camera. They look incredibly disheveled.)

Georgy: Wow, look who just rolled out of bed.

Lance: Shut up Georgy.

Max: Ahem.  Now that we’re all finally here, I’m glad to call the first official meeting of the Committee of Public Safety to order.

Georgy: Can the first order of business be changing the name?

Max: No.

Lance: But it’s so long. And COPS isn’t a great acronym.

Georgy: All in favor of changing it!

Max: NO.

Lance: Aye!

Georgy: Aye! That’s two to one - Majority rules!

Max: (scowling) Can we get on to business please?

Georgy: Yeah, fine. (They and Lance start writing optional names in the chat.)

Max: Stop that, we’ll get to the name later! (Composing himself) Alright, first actual order of business: we’ve been tasked with determining which long standing traditions can be done away with.

Lance: Been tasked by who? The government?

Georgy: By dictator Max there.

Max: May I remind you - forget it. The handshake. Toss or not?

Georgy: Gee, I dunno Max. I sure do miss mashing my sweaty palm against other people’s fish fingers.

Max: My sentiments exactly. I think we can get rid of it.  

Lance: Now hold up. I kind of like it. There’s something comforting in a firm handshake.

Max: Yeah, and something threatening. I hate the feeling of having to assert my dominance.

Georgy: (under their breath) Says the one who won’t let us change the group name. I would counter, Lance, that the number of firm handshakes are greatly outnumbered by people who go limp wrist.

Lance: Flaccid hand.

Georgy: Missing that real manly hardness.

(Georgy and Lance snicker.)

Max: Stop that!  

Lance: Right. Well, I can say, as a man, that I really do appreciate handshakes. It’s like the one socially acceptable way for me to touch another human being without being labelled as a wimp. You know, cause society’s fucked and doesn’t want me to show tender emotions. It’s a hug replacement. 

Georgy: Hey, fuck the system man.

Max: Alright, that’s a good point. However, many people do a sub-optimal job of hand-washing, and pass many contagions by - 

Georgy: Gently stroking each others’ fingers?

Max: Why did I invite you onto this committee.

Lance: I think the real answer to this issue is gloves. Wear gloves, no need to worry right? 

Max: Unless people treat them like they do masks. Anti-maskers, soon we’ll have anti-glovers.

Lance: God, fine, since you hate all my ideas - 

Max: I don’t hate all your ideas, I just think it’s something to consider. I personally like having an excuse to avoid touching others as much as possible.

Georgy: You need a significant other, Maxy.

Max: This isn’t about my personal life, George. I just don’t like people.

Lance: Nice.

Max: Ugh, you know what I mean. Alright, leave the handshake. 

Georgy: NO WAIT I HAVE AN IDEA. Okay, you know those dino-grabby-hand-things?

Lance: YO! Like, the ones you find at toy stores with the claw hands?

Georgy: Yeah, or the animal faces? ‘Kay, so, what if instead of shaking hands, like, hand to hand? We use those instead. SOCIAL DISTANCING!

Max: Uh - 

Lance: Dude, what about those smacky-rubber-hand-thingy-bobby-whos. You know the coloured ones that you whip around your head and stick to windows and such?

Max: No.

Georgy: (interrupting) YEAH.  

Lance: Well, what if another form of greeting could be wiping those at each other?

(Georgy and Lance start laughing at their own genius. Max looks unamused.)

Max: People would definitely get hurt.

Georgy: C’mon, Max. You’re no fun.

Max: No, you guys. I wanted this to be an actual intellectual conversation about the future of our society. But I can see you’re not going to take it seriously.  

Lance: Max. It’s quarantine. Every day is serious. People are dying. I want a break.

Georgy: Sometimes you just gotta laugh to get by dude.

Max: Not me. 

Georgy: Seriously, go get a date, watch some porn together or something.

Max: Gross, stop.

Georgy: It’s not gross, it’s human nature.

Lance: I mean, you won’t be able to kiss with Covid. (sudden thought) Guys. GUYS. Guys, what do you think dating will be like after this.

Max: Don’t know, don’t care.

Lance: Come on! I’m serious! Think about it. Social distancing dates, no first kiss - 

Georgy: Except with a mask on. 

Lance: Yeah, I guess. Max, what do you think? Do we get rid of the kiss?

Georgy: Not only the kiss. Are we going to stop the process of human procreation altogether?

Max: Of course not. I mean, I don’t think we could. People are too horny for that.  

Georgy: But safety Max. Think of it. Two bodies entwined, who knows what’s touched what, all the possibility of Covid spreading on the sheets - 

Max: Oh my god, just stay safe, condoms or whatever, I don’t want to think about it!

Lance: (wisely)  The mask stays on during sex.

Georgy: Face condom.

Lance: Face condom. The Face Condom Committee.

Max: Sometimes I don’t know why I hang out with you guys.

Georgy: We brighten your day with our intellectual candor.

Max: I don’t think so.

Georgy: We all require companionship during this dark time.

Max: If you tell me one more time to get a date, I’m going to cut you from this chat.

Georgy: I was gonna say, you don’t need to create a committee to talk to us. I know I’m starved for company. 

Lance: Yeah, it’s pretty lonely here. I miss hanging out with you guys.

Georgy: Dude, I want to hug you both so bad.

Max: Social Distancing.

Georgy: Yeah, I know.

(Beat.)

Max: My dog keeps me company most days, but… yeah. It’s not the same. (quiet) I miss you guys.

Lance: Aw, we love you buddy.

Max: (resigned)  I love you guys too.