I Blame Mr. Toad

June 1 - Well here it is — the first day I watch Heidi. I told Fern it was no problem at all but it is going to be Such. A. Problem. I heard on some podcast though that doing something out of your comfort zone is healthy? So I thought this was a good opportunity to strengthen my mental health. Plus, I’m not a jerk. I want to help my sister out - she works hard and having her husband drop dead like that was really lame. I just wish I liked my niece. She’s such a freaky kid though. Like she’s tiny like a six-year-old but with the personality of a ninety-year-old. I just have to remember — she is six. I am thirty-two. I am the adult. And it’s only for this month — surely thirty days is long enough for Fern to scrape together enough money for a regular old baby sitter, right?

June 2 - Where do I even begin? First of all, this kid, let me tell you, is bo-or-ring. Do you know what she wanted for dinner? Mashed potatoes. Plain. And I mean plain - she wanted a potato mashed. No milk or butter mixed in. Heidi says she’s vegan which (good for her) my sister says she can’t support on their budget. Turns out wimpy old Martin before he left this world said she could be vegan. So now what am I supposed to do? There’s no such thing as vegan take-out in my neighborhood. And if I make anything, it has cheese in it. Everyone knows vegan cheese is gross. I pulled the “I have to do what your mother says card” but Heidi gave me this look like she saw right through me. Then she said, very politely, “Thank you for the potato.” At least she’s not rude. I can’t handle rude people. I’m very particular about it. 

After dinner, it was bath time. I told Heidi six is plenty old enough to take a bath alone and thank goodness she agreed. “Can I have some music though?” She asked. Well hell, yeah, you can, kiddo! I plugged the CD player in — far enough away from the tub, don’t worry — and put on some Beastie Boys but — get this — Heidi started crying. “What’s the matter?” I asked her. “They sound so angry!” She said. Now, I know I can’t expect a six-year-old to understand the subtleties of hip hop but there is not a more joyous, playful group out there. I couldn’t have her crying on her first night at my place though so I asked what she wanted to hear. “Tchaikovsky.” You coulda knocked me over with a feather. Seriously? This kid is something else. I told her I’d given my classical CDs to the homeless shelter which, of course, is a lie, but I don’t want Heidi thinking she is more cultured than me. So instead I managed to get WQXR to come in with minimal static and then I left her in peace.

I called her mom immediately who, of course, freaked out, but I told her everything was fine, I just had no idea she was raising such a no-fun kid. This wasn’t exactly what Fern wanted to be interrupted with at work. But mainly I was calling to ask if I could fix Heidi’s hair. I mean, mousy brown is one thing, but straight with no layers? “She’s six.” was the only answer Fern would give me and then she said she had to go, someone was coding. I could hear the beeping so I knew she really did have to go. But before she hung up she did say I could ask Heidi and if she wanted a new hairdo, that was fine with Fern.

When she got out of the tub I told her the good news. I thought it would cheer her up but she started crying again. This time she cried so hard she got the hiccups. I tried to hug her but she was so wet. I’m such an empath though, so I wrapped her in a couple of towels and then held her till she stopped crying. It seemed like a good time to go to bed.

Now, I was very proud of this, I had a bedtime book picked out because I remember very specifically she likes being read to before bed. Do you know, that child does not like Curious George?? I mean, that was my jam when I was six! Instead she hands me this musty old book: The Wind In the Willows. 

Alright, I said. It’s your funeral. She looked a little stricken and then I remembered she’d been to a funeral recently. So I breezily opened the stinky book (it smelled like my grandmother’s basement!) and started reading until she fell asleep. She still had the hiccups though. I didn’t know a kid could hiccup in their sleep. Glad I hadn’t put her cot in my bedroom. I’d never get any sleep that way.

June 3 - Let me tell you, I thought only my evenings would be affected by Heidi but my day at work was rough. My first client was a new customer so I was being extra nice and accommodating but halfway through I hit a wall. I couldn’t keep up my friendly-neighborhood-hairdresser chatter anymore. I actually yawned. The other girls pointed out I looked kinda tired which is not what someone who has given their life to beauty wants to hear. 

So I thought maybe we could cut the evening short and go to bed at six. I need my beauty sleep and kids need a lot of sleep, right? But Heidi had her heart set on going to the park. It was a gorgeous evening and Fern asked me specifically to please take her, so I did. I have never been a park person. I’d rather be in a cocktail bar with friends and my hair looking good any time of day rather than be outside. But I guess kids can’t have cocktails so to the park we went. It was actually a relief to see that Heidi really is a child. She took off as soon as we arrived and threw herself at the swing set like it was Macy’s with a half-off sale. I sat on a nearby bench and watched for cute guys. There wern’t any but I made sure my hair fell just-so in case one showed up. Dad’s taking their kids to the park is big thing nowadays. It was part of the reason I’d agreed to come.

It had been about an hour and the sun was well hidden by the city skyline when Heidi came running up to me breathlessly, cupping something in her hands. “The first firefly of the year!” She said reverently and then slowly uncurled her fingers. I jumped back. I do not like bugs — but it didn’t fly up my nose like I thought it would. It just calmly meandered over Heidi’s grimy little hand. And then, spreading its wings, it gave one little “boop” of a glow and lazily flew off. We both watched it go, blinking its little light in the evening dusk. I was impressed. “Micah at school says he smooshes them to make glow-in-the-dark face paint and then he scares his sister,” Heidi told me mournfully. “Micah sounds gross,” I said and she laughed. I didn’t see any cute dads, but that was a pretty nice evening anyways.

June 4 - I am running out of ways to feed this kid. I really think she needs more protein than what I’m giving her, but every TV dinner I microwave, she leaves the little tray of the meat untouched. She does eat the other things even though she must know they’re not vegan. It feels like she is meeting me halfway so I don’t want to push it, but the kid is so scrawny. Maybe I can learn how to make some vegan meals for her. I’m not much of a cook. Strike that. I don’t cook. I live in New York City — other people and my microwave do the cooking. Fern had said something about taking Heidi to the library on Fridays which is tomorrow. I’ll see if I can find a cook book.

June 5 - The library was a success! First of all, lots of cute guys but they all had their heads buried in books. At least a few glanced up when I walked by. Heidi cramps my style though. I tried hiding her behind my designer leather tote but I think they could see her little sneakered feet trotting beside me. Anyways, the main victory was the cook book: Vegan Can Be Fun! Great title, I’m not really interested in anything that isn’t fun. I’ll go shopping for ingredients over the weekend. The weekend! I can’t wait. Fern only works weeknights. So party time, here I come!

June 8 - What a weekend. I can’t even talk about it that’s how good it is. At least the parts I remember. Anyways, because I was having such a good time I never got the groceries so we’ll have to go after Heidi gets here tonight. I picked out “Tofu Balls in Brown Gravy with Mashed Potatoes.” I already know she likes the potato part.

June 9 - Tofu is so wet. Like Heidi after a bath. We did everything that cook book said to do and ended up setting off the fire alarm. They should be more specific with their temperature settings. What is medium high? Whatever I thought it was couldn’t be right because we burned the mess out of that gravy mix. I had to hold Heidi over my head while she frantically waved a tea towel at the smoke detector until the shrieking beeps stopped. After that we laughed so hard we almost forgot how hungry we were so when we finally sat down to eat whatever it was we’d made, it tasted pretty good. We skipped the burned gravy. 

June 10 - It was too rainy for the park last night so I suggested we watch a movie. Would you believe I don’t have a single child-appropriate movie in my collection? Actually, I can believe that. Then Heidi said we could get a movie from the library which is genius! I didn’t know they leant out tapes! Turns out, we’d maxed out Heidi’s borrowing limit on our last trip and I wasn’t ready to return that cook book yet, so I had to get my own library card. Check me out. We rented Stuart Little. Heidi had already read the book and said the movie was very different. I never expected Snowball to come around at the end. That cat is going to be in my nightmares tonight.

June 11 - Did you know you can flavor tofu to taste like anything. That both fascinates and horrifies me. Heidi, despite being vegan, is surprisingly not a picky eater. We are heading to the park tonight but later than last week. There should be more fireflies this time and Heidi wants to go closer to dark. It kind of throws off the bedtime schedule but hey - it’s summer! The kid will be at home with her mom all the next day - she can nap, right?

June 12 - So it was little wild to be in the park when dusk falls because I’ve just never done that before. But dang if Heidi wasn’t right! Our little firefly friend brought all his buddies and - get this - they blink in unison. Like at the same time! How do they do that? Heidi said maybe it was pheromones. Where is this kid learning these big words? I think Martin taught her a lot about nature. He didn’t grown up in the city and was always planning how they were going to move to Connecticut before that bus flattened him. I used to think he was a dope, but Heidi talks about him like he was some genius superhero. Maybe he was. I’m going to read up on some bug stuff so Heidi’s just as impressed with me. I can hang!

June 15 - My friends, on the other hand, weren’t too impressed I wasn’t going out so I could read up on bugs over the weekend. I didn’t expect them to understand but it still kind of hurt. They told me I was gonna turn into party-pooper book-geek like the rest of my family. I felt like telling them that wasn’t a nice thing to say but then I remembered that’s exactly how I described Fern and her gang to them. So I didn’t say anything. They’re all kind of lame anyways. All we do is party. I’ll catch them next weekend. And this Heidi-watching isn’t going to last forever either. July 1, I get my life back. I can spare a few weekends in between.

June 16 - Heidi loved the book on bug facts I had been reading all weekend. We spent the evening with that book and then we still read The Wind in the Willows before bed. This place is turning into its own kinda library. Weird but whatever.

June 17 - Fern just told me she took next week off - turns out a friend researched the grieving clause in their employment contract and they hadn’t given her the whole time she deserved this spring. So no Heidi next week. Party time!

June 18 - I tried finding a movie for us tonight but do you know how many kids’ movies have a parent dying? Fern never forbid anything but I worked it out on my own - Heidi doesn’t need those kind of stories right now. I’m practically a child psychologist. It was raining again so no park and I kind of wanted us to do something really fun. Heidi loves to sing - maybe a karaoke bar? As long as we were there early enough no one would be drunk yet and Heidi could sing her opera or whatever. They have opera karaoke right? But Heidi asked if we could go to the Natural History Museum so we went there. I hadn’t been since a field trip in elementary school. Me and my friend Heather had managed to sneak away from the group and go window shopping so I’ve never actually seen much of what is in there. Those dinosaur skeletons are huge. Heidi brought a notebook and some crayons and we both tried to draw them. Hers came out pretty good - at least it looked dinosaur-ish. Mine looked like a crazed tangle of black string. Then we spent a long time in the Birds of the World exhibit. The birds were easier to draw than the dinosaurs, I thought. I drew a puffin I was pretty proud of but Heidi said I should keep practicing.

June 19 - Last Friday library trip together - Fern got a bunch of bird books for her week with her mom. Are bugs out? Dang it, I’ll have to switch topics. Kids are so fickle. At bedtime, Heidi begrudgingly promised she’d hold off on The Wind in the Willows till she was back over at my place. I didn’t really care either way but if I have to read this book with her every night, I may as well know what’s going on, right? In the morning her mom will pick her up and then I am treating myself to a spa day with the shop girls and night or two out with my friends. 

June 22 - Dang my head hurts. What a dumb weekend. 

June 25 - I don’t miss Heidi. I mean, I’m a perfectly content single-girl-in-the-city. But I did go to the park tonight. Still no cute dads and no cute bug-collecting munchkin either. … Okay fine. I miss Heidi. She still needs that new hair-do, though.

June 29 - I can’t say Heidi missed me all that much. But I’m okay with that. She should want to be with her mom. I like to think I’m a good second-best though. We tried tofu a seventeenth way and we both agreed - it’s gonna take chefs way better than us to make that gray block palatable. But we may as well keep trying! Well, at least, we’ll try again one more day. Fern did find a sitter so tomorrow is our last evening together. That means I made it through the thirty days! As long as nothing blows up tonight, I’m a success story. And the sitter is right around the corner, so I can always pop in or take Heidi to the park when I feel like it. But the pressure is off and it’s not *every* week night. So maybe I’m a little tired of partying but I still need my time to prepare for work the next day. Hairdressing takes a lot of energy. It’s more about the connection with the client and so I need to be at the top of my game every day. Not having to cook and clean up and read The Wind in the Willows every night is going to be so good for me.

June 30 - I called Fern and said fire the sitter. I like Heidi and I’ll keep watching her. Anyways, I gotta find out what happens to Mr. Toad.