Alfred the Alchemist

Bang. Poof. Whoosh. Smoke was everywhere. In the midst of all the dust and smoke Alfred was sitting on the floor. He was dirty from the explosion and his pointy hat was lying next to him. “I guess that didn’t work. Can’t even remember what I was doing” said Alfred to himself. Years of alchemy practice didn’t seem to work their wonders this time... 

Alfred was an alchemist by choice - choice of his parents of course. The name had “al” in it hence it was destined for Alfred to become an alchemist. He often daydreamed thinking if only he had a different name his life would be better. Something like “Axel” to “excel” in anything he does. Even “Logan” chopping logs would be better than alchemy. God forbid it would be Owen though as Alfred was already unpopular and being known as “owing” people money would most likely cause him to get a black eye every other week. 

Fortunately Alfred didn’t have to worry about getting a black eye. He had two black eyes already without owing anyone anything - after his recent experiment turning cats to chickens which didn’t quite work out. 

“Who knew that the king would realise the feathers were glued to the cat. Chickens and cats share so many things...they have two eyes, they eat, sleep...do I really have to go on?” The reverse experiments of turning chickens to cats didn’t quite work too but at least that resulted in a tasty dinner.

Suddenly Alfred heard loud knocking on the door. He stood up and tried to get rid of the smoke with his hands. Alfred wasn’t very social so he would usually pretend he was not home but he was coughing so loud that unless the guest was deaf, which was obviously unlikely, they would hear him anyway. He reluctantly moved towards the door and took a deep breath before opening the door. 

-What do you want? 

-Greetings stranger. Are you a herbalist?

-No, I’m an alchemist, best in town

He forgot to add of course that he was the only one too.

-Who are you?

-Oh, I’m just a local troll. I lost my ears when I tried to clean them with fire. Didn’t realise ear wax was that flammable. I can’t hear since then. I have a problem I need helping with. Can you help?

Alfred rolled his eyes. “Just my luck” he thought to himself thinking the troll didn’t actually hear all the coughing and he could have avoided the entire conversation. “Seems I’m more likely to meet deaf trolls than have my experiments work” he murmured to himself. 

-How can you talk to me if you lost your hearing Mr Troll? Do you need help with your hearing? - Asked Alfred

-I learnt to read lips. Kidnapped a couple of guards and kept them in my cave until I learnt.

-Oh, really? I didn’t realise trolls were friendly with humans?

-I am a good troll you see. I was so lonely and just wanted to have friends. I tried and tried and they didn’t want to play with me so I did the only respectable thing I could have done.

-You set them free?

-No, I hate them. 

-I thought you wanted to be their friend - why do you hate them now?

-Oh, no sorry, being deaf can sometimes make communication harder. I didn’t hate them. I meant - I ATE them. The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach so the stomach is what I started with. I don’t think it has worked though because I still don’t have any friends. Can you help me Mr human? 

Alfred wasn’t happy with his life but at the same time he didn’t really want to be eaten. Maybe if it was Monday or Tuesday but on a Friday night it just seemed wrong. 

-Right. I’ll help you but you have to promise to never come back here again. What do you want?

-Can you go to King Frederick and ask him to send more friends? I get so terribly lonely. But send them without those metal trousers, I get indigestion from metal. 

Alfred couldn’t remember the last time he had an order he could actually fulfill. His experiments seem to work 100 percent, 0 percent of the time. He couldn’t fulfil this one either even though it was so simple. Asking the king to send more men to the troll seemed crazy but crazy might still be better than being eaten. The troll wouldn’t know he didn’t fulfil the request. Maybe he could actually spin the situation to change his occupation and name somehow if he gets an audience with the king!

-Fine, done deal. I will go to the king and appeal for more men. Now leave as I have a long journey ahead of me to the castle. 

The next day Alfred packed his bags and marched towards the castle. He thought to himself of a quote he heard his father say once “If all difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start out at all”. Fortunately for Alfred the castle was only twenty minutes away on foot so that didn’t quite qualify as a long journey though it came pretty close. 

Alfred had to wait his turn for a good few hours while King Frederick had audiences with people from the town. As the only alchemist in town Alfred thought he’d be welcome with open arms and was ready to tell his plea to change his occupation but was met with a very cold welcome. 

-What are you doing here Alfred? Aren’t you supposed to be working on an elixir for me or have you forgotten AGAIN?

Alfred was confused. What was the King talking about? Was there something he had to do that he forgot?

-Royal Highness, please forgive me but could you be so kind and remind me of the elixir you mentioned?

Frederick rolled his eyes and everyone could feel the tension in the room. No one dares to make Frederick mad or there could be dire consequences. For an unfortunate man like Alfred he was actually quite fortunate - the king wouldn’t get rid of his only alchemist after all. 

-Alfred, I need you to create an anti-monster potion. There is a rumour there is a creature which has a lair by the lake near the Great Tree. We sent some scouts a few times already but no one has returned. We’re planning to send some again in a week but we require the potion so we can put it on our blades and slay the monsters. Someone came to collect the potion yesterday but they haven’t reported yet. You keep wasting our time! When will the potion be finally done?! Go now and prepare - we will send someone in a few days to collect it. 

Alfred was confused. He didn’t really remember promising to deliver an anti-monster potion but maybe he just drank too much and that’s why he forgot? Nevertheless, he wouldn’t want to enrage the king so he ran back to his hut to start working. The king must have referred to the troll he met the day before. 

Alfred didn’t really know what trolls’ weak spots are so he thought he might as well mix everything and hope for the best. A pinch of rabbit fur, some vampire blood, harpies’ feathers and….Bang. Poof. Whoosh. Smoke was everywhere. In the midst of all the dust and smoke Alfred was sitting on the floor. He was dirty from the explosion and his pointy hat was lying next to him. “I guess that didn’t work. Can’t even remember what I was doing” said Alfred to himself. Years of alchemy practice didn’t seem to work their wonders this time...