"SLEDDING"

"Come on, man. It'll be fun."

"I don't know, dude. I haven't been sledding in five years."

"It's going to be a great night Beau."

"Do you know how many trees we could have planted with the money we're spending on sledding?"

"We've already got plenty of trees here."

"You're sure it's going to snow tonight? And Jordan's not going to just bail on us?"

"Yeah, man. He just texted. He's riding a blizzard to us as we speak."

"Well, that's comforting. Though, I still feel a little nervous about sledding, Shane. I haven't gone sledding since college."

"I know, Beau. But remember how much fun you had the last time?"

THE LAST TIME...

Shane and I were getting ready to go sledding. He had come up to visit me at college and brought a snowstorm with him. We'd spent the night playing pool and ended up closing down the bar. We stumbled home but made a quick detour before we entered my dorm. My dorm room was in the bottom floor of the building. Before going inside, I peeked down through the window to check to see if my roommate Roger was asleep.

Roger was a bit of a dink. Hyperactive at the best of times and the last person I wanted to go sledding with. Luckily, he was asleep. Shane and I snuck into my dorm room and grabbed our sledding stuff. Then with nowhere else to go, we decided to head to the bathroom. There were two men's bathrooms on our floor that all the guys shared, but it was the middle of the night so the chances of anyone walking in on us getting ready were slim.

We were standing in the handicap stall, getting ready to go sledding, when the bathroom door burst open. Shane and I froze. Not because someone had just walked into the bathroom, but because of what we heard. "Oh. My. God. Look at the urinals."

Two incredibly drunk girls had stumbled into the men's room. Shane and I stifled our laughter and continued to listen.

"You think I can pee in the urinal if I bend backward and keep my hips over the pee-hole?" one of the girls asked.

"No. You need a dick," the other giggled.

"We need dick you mean. Alex is being such a jerk. I'm done with that loser. And I can't believe Tony never texted you back."

It was at that moment, full of drunken confidence, that I opened the stall door. "I've got your dick right here, ladies."

At first the girls looked at me like I'd just insulted their mothers. Then the girls, a blonde and a red head, noticed Shane holding our sled.

"What are you guys doing?" the blonde asked coyly.

"We're about to go sledding," Shane said.

"Why are you in the bathroom?" the red head asked.

"Why are you in our bathroom?" Shane shot back.

In the next moment, I said, "We're actually avoiding my roommate."

"I'm Stacey and this is Laura," the blonde said.

"And we'd love to go sledding with you," Laura said.

The girls, Shane, and me sledded down two big white hills each. Then the girls announced it would be fun to change things up. Putting aside our tubular toboggan, our bodies became the sleds. Laura squeezed her hills together and Shane sledded over the arch of one mound quickly, then took his time on the other. It was my turn to be Stacey's slope. I stood at attention, trying to remain perfectly still. It was an odd situation. All I could think was, "Isn't the cold going to numb me? That's what it does right? I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to feel what happens next."

I stood at full attention and tried my best to hold perfectly still. Sledding had left me exhilarated and it was hard not to shiver, but I managed not to move. Stacey made her way down my left leaning incline. Then she climbed back up and kissed me. From there, things went from Winter Wonderland to Your Body is a Wonderland.

###

"Come on, Beau. You know that night was epic."

"Yeah, Shane. It was but there's no way tonight's going to be as epic."

"You never know, dude. Jordan's bringing some friends."

"Are any of those friends girls?"

"I don't know, but whoever they turn out to be, I'm sure they'll be cool."

"I'm don’t know how I feel about sledding with strangers. Shit, I don't even know Jordan that well."

"Stacey and Lauren were strangers."

"Yeah, but they were hot! Jordan could be bringing a bunch of dudes."

"So what? We'll still have a good time."

"I don't know. I think I'm better at sledding when it's a small group. People I know well or plan to get to know intimately. I mean, you remember what happened the first time I ever went sledding."

THE FIRST TIME...

My first time sledding was back in high school. I was sitting in my first period shop class next to a guy named Trevor. Shop was the only class Trevor and I had together, and we weren't really friends. But our senses of humor lined up and we cracked each other up quoting Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle.

On the Friday before winter break, Trevor turned to me and said, "Dude, you want to skip out on class and go sledding?"

"I don't know, man. The teacher's right there."

"Oh, he doesn't care. He's half asleep and obviously not trying to teach today anyway. Shit, it's not like we're working on a project. He put on Empire Strikes Back and is about five minutes from drifting off."

"What is it with teachers at this school and Empire Strikes Back?" I asked, trying to change the subject. "Every time a teacher doesn't feel like teaching, they put on this movie. Do they all pass around the same copy or does each classroom get its own?

"Come on, man. Let's go sledding. You're always so chill. I want to see what you're like when you're all jacked up on winter sports."

Eventually I relented and Trevor and I snuck away and went sledding. We began with a couple of small hills a piece. Then we each did a big hill. The slope was rather rough. It could be because it was my first time sledding. Or perhaps the snow wasn't fresh enough. Though, I think it was most likely that there was saw dust mixed in with the snow.

Next period, I had English with Ms. Gray. Between the taboo thrill of having cut class to go sledding, the elation the activity brought me, and the pure bewilderment that someone I barely knew would share such an experience with me, I was feeling great. Ms. Gray started class and I began to feel jittery. We were discussing A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court and I kept interrupting my classmates to give long, incomprehensible answers. I was just feeling too good to care about polite decorum, and Shane wasn't helping. He sat two desks away, and laughed at everything I said.

A few minutes later, I got really hot. Luckily, I sat next to the window, so I turned around and opened it. These windows, big rectangles of glass in thick metal frames, opened outward. You'd twist the handle and pull the pane toward you. As I opened the window, I looked down and saw two seniors playing Frisbee on the school lawn.

"Hey Ms. Gray," I called, interrupting her mid-sentence. "There's some guys playing Frisbee. I'm going to go join them."

I then proceeded to try and squeeze myself through the foot wide opening between the windowpane and frame.

"Beau, you can't fit through that window," Ms. Gray chuckled.

"The hell I can't," I called back.

I'm just lucky she liked me, or else things would have gone a lot worse. All Ms. Gray did was laugh, as my inability to squeeze through the gap proved her right. Then Ms. Gray picked up the phone and called the school resource officer, informing him that the guys were out of class and playing Frisbee on the lawn. Acting fast, I called out the window, "Guys! Run! She's calling the fuzz!"

From there the story stops being interesting. Ms. Gray sent me to the principal's office. I didn't get into any trouble, but it was a real bummer. A sure-fire way to end the euphoria sledding brings it to have to explain your crazy actions to an authority figure.

###

"That's why I'm hesitant about this Shane. Things don't always work out well when I go sledding."

"Come on, Beau. Nothing that bad happened. Plus, I know you went sledding a couple times after that. You've gotten better at keeping the fun in check."

"Yeah, but you just never know."

"Hey, we're a lot smarter now. Plus, we're in our own home and we'll be surrounded by good people. Hell, maybe you'll get to actually throw a Frisbee this time."

"You do have a point. This sledding trip will be safer. I just don't know how much fun I'm going to have tonight. You know I prefer chill nights at home."

"Don't worry, dude. Tonight is going to be a blast!"

TONIGHT...

After I graduated from college, I decided not to move back home. I stayed in my college town and Shane moved across the state to join me and we got a place together. We spent our days working dead end food service jobs and our nights partying. Sharing handles of cheap vodka and an enthusiasm for climbing trees. We were living lives that were going nowhere, but neither of us was in a hurry to change. Things were good, but I knew Shane was excited for a break from our routine and so, he'd made plans for us to go sledding.

That night it was me and Shane, his girlfriend Dannie, and his coworker Jordan, who ended up bringing along two guys named Kyle and Stephen. Jordan also brought his girlfriend. Within five minutes of meeting her, before I'd even learned her name, she announced that she was a stripper. She followed up that announcement by chugging down an impressive amount of vodka. Then she let out a huge belch, lit a cigarette, and began blowing intricate smoke rings. Seeing her handy work float through the air and dissolve, she announced that she was tricky. I'm not sure that I ever caught her name, but from that moment on, we all just called her Tricky.

Ready to go sledding, we got into a rotation. It was Shane, Kyle, Stephen, Jordan, Tricky, Dannie, and then me. As we waited for our turns, we all took vodka shots together and appreciated a variety of trees. We each sledded down a small hill, just to get warmed up. Then Dannie and I waited. And waited. And waited for our next turn. We snuggled together for warmth and comfort as Shane and the guys talked sports.

This was a subject I had no interest in, so I spent my time chatting with Dannie and chain smoking. Dannie kept trying to interject in the guys' conversation, in a feeble attempt to get Shane to pay attention to her. She was getting more and more frustrated that he wasn't acknowledging her. Whenever Shane did speak to her, it was sarcastic and often a little mean. I did my best to make Dannie smile. I wanted to make sure she had a good time.

This was the normal pattern with Shane and me. He was always a little mean to his girlfriends and generally aloof and unavailable. I would end up being the “emotional support human” to his girlfriend and then at the end of the night, he'd get to enjoy the physical stuff. I didn't really mind this unspoken arrangement. Shane's girlfriends were always cool, beautiful, and fun to talk to. Plus, I've always enjoyed making girls laugh.

Eventually, I realized we hadn't gotten a turn on the sled in over twenty minutes. I mentioned this to Dannie and realization dawned on her face. "Hey, Tricky! Quit hogging the sled. We paid our share for this trip; we want our turn too!"

After that, Dannie and I each got to do another small hill before Shane suggested we all play a drinking game called Assholes and Presidents. The game has rules, but the main objective is to get the asshole as drunk as possible. Midway through the game, it turned out Shane and the guys had decided to make Dannie the asshole. They kept choosing her to drink and making fun of her. She tried to laugh it all off, letting the booze numb her frustration while I tried to shift the game's focus to Tricky.

Shane made a particularly cruel comment to Dannie, and everyone but me laughed. At this point, I could tell she was pissed. I expected her to storm off, as she'd done before. Instead, I felt her hand slide along my thigh. She didn't bother to hide her movements, though the blanket we were sharing helped to conceal what was happening. Even if the blanket hadn't of been there, I doubt Shane would have noticed. Or cared if he had noticed.

Dannie unzipped my fly and soon I was in the palm of her hand, trying to keep a straight face as we continued to play the game. After only a few minutes, I turned the underside of the blanket into a White Christmas.

Eventually, Stephen and Kyle left, and Shane passed out in his recliner. Dannie gave me a sly look, and I took her hand and led her to my room. I doubt Jordan would have ratted me out to Shane if he'd noticed Dannie and I leaving, but that wasn't something I ended up having to worry about. Jordan and Tricky were making out hard and I think they'd forgotten that we were even there to begin with.

Dannie and I spent the night together and fell asleep in each other's embrace. We were woken up the next morning by the sound of the front door slamming. Then we heard Jordan shouting, "That bitch! What the hell? I can't believe it. That bitch!"

Dannie and I hurried into the living room to see what Jordan was going on about. He quickly explained that Tricky had robbed him. "She took all the money out of my wallet and my stole my car!"

"Are you sure, dude?" I asked.

"Hell yeah I'm sure. I just went out and checked. My car is gone. So's my phone and --"

Jordan stopped speaking abruptly. He looked all around and then began rifling through his bag. Finally, he dejectedly slumped down into a chair and visible sadness washed over him. "She also took my sled."

I leaned in close to Shane and whispered, "Well, at least some of us had a blast last night."