The Suitor and his Blunder

Growing up as a little girl, I learned about Greek mythology. My dad was a professor of Greek Mythology and Religion at the local university, so my childhood was filled with dramatic retellings of the Odyssey and fantastical summaries of how spiders came to be. He told me of powerful, narcissistic men who could fight away any problem and witty women who could outsmart the sun. These legends became an important part of who I am today. Especially after my dad died. After his death, I read the stories he would tell me over and over again until I committed them to memory. I learned Greek, I got my degree in Greek Literature and I took the teaching position my dad had. I’m even in the same office he had when I was little. It still kind of smells like him and I kept his rare Greek poem collection displayed on the same shelf he had it on. 

One of my favorite stories, while I was in high school at least, was the story of the Suitors of Penelope (Proci). The story is about the wife of Odysseus who ended up having 108 young men, known as the suitors, invade her house and vie for her hand in marriage after her husband supposedly died in the Battle of Troy. Talk about pushy. The thing is though, they were terrible houseguests. They drank all of the wine and spirits, ate all of the food, and were just overall disrespectful of Odysseus’s home. Penelope couldn’t do anything about it though. The concept of Greek xenia encouraged everyone to be as kind as possible to everyone they came across. You could never know who was a god and who wasn’t in those days. Ten years after the ending of the Trojan War, Odysseus ended up returning home once his young son, Telemachus, found him, after being prompted by a disguised Athena to search for his father. Telemachus told his father of the suitor situation back home and they headed back to Ithica swiftly. Once Odysseus was back home, he and his son slaughtered all of the suitors and maidservants that were aiding the suitors. Gory ending, but they were kind of jerks.  Well, I now know how Penelope felt and why Odysseus did what he did after a series of somewhat dumb mistakes on my part.

This last weekend I went on a Tinder date with this guy named Levi. We started our night by going to see a play at the playhouse near my apartment. It was some kind of Shakespeare theater that I enjoyed, but my suitor didn’t seem very into it. No big deal, theater isn’t for everyone. After the show, we went to get dinner and were able to sit down and have a conversation. As he talked more, the more I realized that he was just not my type. Oh well, not every guy can be a winner and he was cute so I figured I would at least invite him back to my place for a drink and see where the night went from there. Note that this was my first mistake of the night.

We got back to my place, post-dinner, and got settled on the couch with a glass of red wine and the fireplace going in the background. Kind of cliche, but why mess with something that works. He noticed my collection of Greek literature on the shelves around my living room and asked about them. I didn’t like this guy enough to explain the true relationship I have with Greek literature, so I summed it up by saying it is a big thing for me and I work in the Greek department of my college. He nodded and said that was cool and continued to tell me about the minute details of his job. He talked about his work as a manager at some sort of technology shop (I looked it up after this shit show. Think Best Buy but smaller and with worse reviews). He set his wine glass down. I thought he was about to make a move, but instead, he burst into tears. 

As you can imagine, I was very taken aback. I looked around my apartment, like people do in movies and TV, for the hidden camera, unsure of what the hell was going on. 

“I just got out of an engagement. My fiance left me at the altar like 3 weeks ago and I just felt like it was time to get back in the game and I don’t really know what I am doing.” He blubbered. 

I sat there blinking at him, feeling like an idiot because I didn’t know what to say. What do you say to that? 

I went with the classic, “Shhhh, it’s ok. Relationships are hard and I am so sorry you had to go through that. She doesn’t know what she is missing.”  This choice of words was my second mistake of the night.

“You’re right, I am an awesome dude. I make lots of money, I am in shape, all of my friends say I am hilarious. It’s a miracle I wanted to be with her in the first place.” He boasted through, puffing his chest up. I winced internally at everything I had just heard but nodded along politely and gave a weak “yeah” in an effort to support my date of the evening. 

Before I even knew what was happening he had lunged over to my side of the couch and was grossly pressing his mouth against mine. I froze. I no longer wanted to be kissing this guy and at this point, I just wanted him out of my house. Call it intuition, but I had a feeling that if he stayed much longer, the night was going to get a lot more interesting and not in a good way. I wondered to myself if Penelope had this feeling when the first 25 suitors came strolling into her castle. 

I tapped his shoulder “coming up for air” and pulled back as far as I could. It wasn’t as far as I wanted though because somehow his arm had wound its way around my waist. I squirmed uncomfortably and put a hand on his chest. His face still hadn’t changed from the kissy-face he had been making and I had to hold back pitied laughter. 

“Woah, hold up man. Maybe this,” I gestured between us, “isn’t the best idea. It seems like you’re still kind of dealing with stuff from your last relationship and you need to take time to heal and work through everything.” 

“I don’t need to work through anything baby. Fuck my ex, she was a cunt and a dumbass. You’re pretty hot, I’m really hot, let’s see how hot we can get together,” He explained leaning back in for a kiss. I leaned away from him further into the arm of the couch, hoping it would help me in this situation I found myself in. 

“Let me rephrase this Levi, I don’t feel comfortable doing anything of a physical or sexual nature with you. You were just bawling on my couch and I don’t think it would be very humanitarian of me to uh… take advantage of a situation like that.” I sugar-coated hoping he’d get the damn point and leave. 

“Take advantage of me all you want pretty girl,” He crooned, unbuttoning his top shirt and throwing it on the carpet. I stood up from the couch and placed myself behind the arm I was previously trying to melt into. 

“Levi, I am not interested in anything and I think it is time for you to go,” I stated firmly gesturing towards the door. He stared at me for a moment and scoffed.

“So you’re a dumb cunt too?” he laughed, “what is it with all you blondes. Pretty, but dumb as fuck. You should feel honored that I would even want to fuck you.” 

He stood up from the couch and started approaching me.

“I could make you feel so good, Lily.” He attempted to purr. 

“My name is Libby, short for Elizabeth and you can take your ego and…” I started, completely ready to tear this man apart. Lucky for him, he was saved by a knock at the door. Willing to take any escape route from this Tinder date gone terrible, I quickly walked over to the door and opened it to find a blonde woman I had never seen before. 

“Can I help you?” I questioned, confused as all get out. No one wearing that much pink had ever knocked on my door. 

“So you’re the skank trying to steal my fiance! Levi!! Levi, are you in here you fucking pig?” This woman screeched, storming into my apartment. I resisted the urge to throw my hands up in disbelief like this was some kind of sitcom. 

Not a sitcom, my real life. Gods, I need a different life.

I turned around to see that in my attempt to flee from Levi he had managed to remove his undershirt. So now he was standing completely topless in the middle of my living room with his clothes strewn on the floor. 

“Kayla! Babe, what are you doing here?” Levi asked, also obviously dumbfounded. Though I assumed being dumbfounded wasn’t anything new for him. 

“Don’t you babe me! You’re a fucking pig, Levi! Cheating on me every chance you get. I hate you! My mom was right, you are a worthless son of a bitch,” The Barbiesque woman whose name was apparently Kayla, yelled at him. Before I could even move she had picked up the vase that I keep on my living room table for fresh flowers from the farmers market and threw it at Levi’s head. He dodged it and it thudded, thankfully unbroken, onto the carpet. 

“What the fuck, you crazy bitch! I wouldn’t have to cheat if you weren’t such an airheaded whore. Who is also the most boring person in bed... Ever. Also, your mom is a whore. She’s one to talk about cheating, she’s cheated on your dad more times than I’ve ever cheated on you!” At the mom comment, I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from laughing for real. Man, these two sweethearts had such a healthy relationship and I wish them all the best. 

While oddly invested in this ridiculous couple’s dramatic and convoluted backstory, I had had enough and honestly just wanted to go to finish my glass of wine and watch the newest episode of Chopped. I looked around my apartment as they continued their screaming match. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed two pans from the drying rack beside my sink. I banged them together, effectively getting the lovebird’s attention. 

“Both of you need to get the fuck out of my apartment right now. Or I will use these” I lifted up the pans, “and start swinging at both of you. Get. Out.” 

“You crazy bitch, you can’t just threaten people like that!” Kayla screechingly whined. I made a fast lunging motion towards her, frying pan lifted at my side and she ran out the door, heels clicking obnoxiously down the hall. I turned to Levi and made a brief swinging motion towards him and he fastly followed after the Belinda the Good Witch impersonator, completely forgetting his shed clothes. 

This whole story does have a point, aside from a fast laugh and a feeling of horror. I got suckered into being Penelope. Thankfully mine was just for a few minutes and not a few years. The Greeks never knew if a god was walking around disguised amongst the mortals, so they had to treat all visitors and strangers like they were, well, gods. The concept of xenia is what kept Penelope from being able to just take a knife and charge down those castle stairs and start threatening those dumbass suitors. As much as I accept the concept of xenia and try to practice it in my life, there is a time and a place. And last weekend I learned that having a crazy dude and his “fiance” fighting in your apartment is a time and place it might be ok for xenia to go by the wayside. If only Penelope had gotten the chance. I would have loved to read her story of violent and threatening conquest over the suitors.