Help, I am scared of drunk people!

"Everybody loves you. Everybody is your fan. Everybody loves your play for the football team. Why the heck aren't you coming to the party celebrating this year's good results for the team?"

"I am scared of the dark and drunk people. I am not sure which is worse."

"Childhood trauma? C'mon man, you are something like a grown-up now."

"Poltergeist was a documentary, and nobody - I repeat - nobody can convince me otherwise."

My teammate sighed visibly. He raised his hand in defeat and left the room. A few minutes later, he came back.

"Here," he started. "Those are two gigantic flashlights, and with them, we can easily defeat the Poltergeists of this word."

"Bro," I was close to tears. Rarely did I find myself that cared for. I hugged him with passion, but he just looked at me with the face of a man who is annoyed that he had to kill the spider his girlfriend is afraid of.

Bright lights, big wheels, doors that open upwards, yes, we arrived at the party. 

"Thanks for getting me to come here," I told my buddy as my flashlight lighted the way towards the house entry.

"No problem," he commented and lighted up the way in front of me.

I stood in front of the door and knocked, and knocked, and knocked.

"Heeeeey, jussst in time for the a.l.c.o.h.o.l.," bawled some human thing towards me. 

"AHHHHHH," I shouted, scared, and out of reflex, smashed my flashlight against the drunk woman's cheek.

"Dude...," my friend sighed as he looked at the woman lying on the floor. After another sight, he grabbed her leg and pulled her towards the bushes next to the door.

"Bro," I was close to tears. Rarely did I find myself that cared for.

"Yeah, yeah," He said and pushed me into the house.

If we ignore that accident at the start - and we should, my father will fix it anyway - the party started well. Regularly someone came up to me. 

"Heeeey Chad," the women greeted me for whatever reason, as my actual name is Jean-Luc von Goldstein. Isn't Golden a better way to call me? Some people are weird.

When they come over, they usually start to touch my body. 

"Uhuh, nice, nice, hot, hot. Well build, well build," the women always said as they touched my biceps with all their might. It made me happy because it took me a long time to get this far. To give the compliment back, I touched their biceps will all my might and said, "Nice, nice. Well build, well build." People look weird when they force a smile while screaming in pain. Every time my friend came over and put some bandage around their arms. "Bro," I was always close to tears. Rarely did I find myself that cared for.

So far, the party went nice, and I quickly got along with most people. The only downside was some weird kind of people. They always were a one woman and one male couple. Universally the woman would be the one who started the conversation with me. She would chat about something called 'Poly-Amorphis-y.' I was stunned. Never did I thought I would be able to find another Amorphis fan here. I tried to keep my cool and just say, "Yeah, House of Sleep is regularly in my playlist." Both looked at me bewildered. They were probably more into the early Death Metal stuff. Still, they engaged further. The woman started to talk about something called 'Poly-Cool,' and if it sounds interesting to me. Always, and I mean always when I say always, the guy next to her looked awkward. 

"Well, one should always be cool in more than one way," I observed. Her eyes lighted up too much for me. 

"What does Poly-Cool even mean?" I asked, sensing danger approaching.

"It means being in a relationship with more than one person, including sexual."

I was baffled.

"This is sin," I stated with deep conviction.

"Why do you think it is sin?"

"My pastor said so."

"Is that enough for you? Only his word?"

"Yes, it is, thin armed person." 

Maybe I was too harsh to her, but my pastor is a good baptist man. I always play football with his 12 children.

With discomfort in the air, I moved away from those people. 

The party was getting late, and sweat started to be collected on my forehead. I looked outside. It was dark. "Where is my friend?" I wondered because I didn't want to stay alone in these troubled times.

"Hello? Hello?" I called but no answer. I got even worse. Suddenly the light went out. 

"AHHH," I screamed and, out of reflex, jumped into the arms of the person right next to me. My 250lb body jumped on a smallish woman. She was in pain before due to being lectured by several women about "thin privilege." Now she was in even more pain, but - I hope I don't sound arrogant here - this time it is at least through a rather attractive man. She yelped. I stood up, bowed, and said I am sorry. Nonetheless, she was furious. I tried to reason with her.

"My pastor told me that one shouldn't depart with anger in one's heart."

"Your f'ing pastor can go f'ing himself or some child!"

Now, being angry at me is okay, but what has he to do with it? Some people are weird. It really made me angry. So I grabbed her and threw her through half the room into the couch that was full of decorative cushions. Thanks to them, the landing was soft, but she was still in shock.

"Always be nice," I suggested to her.

When I turned around, I saw the big eyes of the girls who confronted her about 'thin privilege.'

"Chad!" One shouted.

"Actually, my name is...," I tried to introduce myself properly, in vain.

"For us, you are a Chad."

"Whatever that means."

"HUH?" I shouted as those four women were able to raise me and placed me on their shoulders. With deep-seated fear in my eyes, I looked for my friend. 

Heeeeeeeelllp

"Chad was able to destroy thin privilege! All praise to him!" They shouted and several other people joined him.

Heeeeeeeelllp

"Yeah!" I joined, too. "I did it for the people of the world!"

In the rear of my eyes, I saw how my friend ran around the corner in hyperspeed, directly in my direction.

"Bro," I was close to tears. Rarely did I find myself that cared for.