Hupulis Great Scrupulis

My story begins here, on a dark rainy day in southern California. The rain has been picking up the past 3 weeks, and this is by far the rainiest year I ever remember having in southern California. Perhaps it's due to climate change. I was driving to my community college I attend in Orange County all the way from Riverside County. The sky was a very relaxing shade of gray. The whole ride there I can hear the squelching of my tires on the soaked street, a relaxing and oddly satisfying sound to me. I also find the distinct tapping of rain on the car and windshield quite relaxing as well. All these things make the anticipation for my class even less appealing. 

I am still trying to make the slightest sense of the events that occurred in this particular class. The more I try the more I feel confused… sick even. However, my mind refuses to let it go, it's always in the back of my mind, in my dreams. I've even had therapy for it. But still found no closure. I figured maybe the next best thing is to write about it, maybe get it out of my system per se. It was my third week in Anthropology, a class that in almost every way has the potential to be interesting but is ruined by the curriculum like most general education classes. I pulled into the student parking lot of my school and dreadfully walked to the social sciences building and into my class. The room was extra dark from the rainy weather. Professor Reese was on her computer, like most college professors before class starts. 

Once the time hit 2 o clock the professor took her position in front of the class to start the lecture. She announced that we will be getting a little bit into the topic of imperialism and colonialism. Amazing…  a topic that I've been learning about since the sixth grade, but here I am 21 years old in college hearing about it once again.  

Professor Reese: “One important detail about the people of Imperialism had in common is that they were all catholic white men.”  

I was amused by her emphasis while making this statement. She began to dive into the effects of imperialism on the native cultures. How the loss of culture and the imposing of the Christian religion, and the extirpation and slavery of certain ethnic groups of people. I found this topic very sad and tragic around the sixth and seventh grade, however learning about it for the 100th time made it even more sad. I swear I saw the professor tear up a little during the lecture. A tear with a bluish hue fell from her left eye. 

The following class we had dived into Charles Darwin. The professor taught us the interesting subject of how Charles Darwin used to be a very religious man. And how when he traveled to study biology he was enlightened by his founding of the theory of evolution through natural selection. 

Professor Reese: “Charles Darwin came to the conclusion that the Earth was from 20 million to 400 million years old. Whereas his faith would conclude that the Earth would only be as old as the beginning of the Old Testament. Which would be around 6 thousand to 7 thousand years old.” 

One of the students in the front row of the class scoffed in response to this statement. 

Professor Reese: “Right Tom, that's not very old, is it?” 

The next class opened with the topic of racism, microaggressions, and privilege. She went into detail on the specific examples of microaggressions. 

Professor Reese: “Now, as a white female of privilege, I have said some very ignorant things in the past, that I have definitely learned from and have corrected since then. For example, I have made the mistake of saying all lives matter in front of my class! And I have seen the hurt Ive caused to my black students in hearing me say this, and they so patiently tried to correct me without being disrespectful, which I appreciate.” 

I was confused by this statement. Didn't all lives always matter? Didn't it not matter what race or ethnicity you were, or what religion you believe in? Doesn't your life matter no matter who you are? I started to feel the painful sting of guilt that my professor must have felt when she realized how privilege affects others. Am I privileged too? The privilege of being ignorant? I started to sweat; I looked around the room nervously. Maybe the other students could sense my privilege and be negatively affected by it. Professor Reese then discussed the topics of the privileged and the minorities. 

She discussed how 40 percent of white students got first class degrees and how only 20 percent of black students got first class degrees. We also learned about how mostly white men had more successful higher paying jobs than people of color. These lessons hurt me. Even though I have learned about these topics since elementary school, they only really sunk in now. I finally understood what I was called to do. Focus on the past and on the unfortunate, rather than to focus on the improvements and goodness of our society. Because it is important to focus on the negative past, if we don't… well then that makes us privileged, that makes us ignorant, we are not called to move forward with the progression of our society. 

I had trouble sleeping the next 2 nights, I was too eager to return to class and learn more about humanity. However, the next class was… different. When I walked in every student was reading from a new textbook that I had never seen before. I don't remember the professor telling us to purchase it for the course, or even making an announcement that we’d be using it for this unit. It was titled, “Hupulis Great Scrupulis,” there was no author printed on the book. The cover of the book depicted a man wearing a sort of white cloak, with a red cross on the front, and holding a sword. He was standing over a body with the head severed from it. Behind him was an ancient city, judging from the architecture, it could possibly be in the Middle East. With my educated guess I would say the cover depicted the crusades. 

The students were taking notes from the book. I looked at my classmate sitting next to me, he noticed I didn't have a textbook and offered to share his with me. I tried to read it, the writing looked like it would be English, but I could not understand it. It had to be a different language. Looking at this book made me feel so uneasy, almost queasy in a way. Each page depicted gruesome images of various Christian men, during the crusades, and the colonization of Western Africa and the Americas. I heard some of the students reading the text out loud, it sounded unnatural, like some sort of English gibberish but at the same time, a structured language. My classmate next to me who was sharing his book turned to the next page. It was far worse than the last. At the top of the page in bold letters, was the title “Hupulis.” The image underneath depicted Jesus on the cross, however it wasn’t a typical mural of Jesus. In the photo he was old and sickly looking, like he was decomposing while still alive. The second page was titled “Scrupulis.” Underneath showed a man falling through the Earth’s crust and trying to grab on to anything in desperation to stop his descent. There was genuine horror on his face, underneath him you can see hundreds of demons grabbing at his legs trying to pull into the dark fiery pit below. The photos themselves weren't the most unsettling part, but it was how real they looked. I actually thought I would be sick. I pulled out my phone to take a photo of the page, but the professor must've noticed me. She slammed her hand on her desk hard, it was so loud it caught the attention of the whole class. She yelled at the top of her lungs, “No pictures!” She began to yell at me. 

Professor Reese: “Bryan get out your textbook and begin taking notes now!” 

I told her I didn't have the book and how I was never notified about ever purchasing this book. I could've sworn I saw her drool a little. She slammed her hand against the whiteboard and scratched it with her nails. She then stared right at me, I felt like she could see my thoughts, her eyes were sunken in her face. I could confirm she was foaming at the mouth. 

Professor Reese: “One of you does not belong. One of you here is privileged!” 

I looked around and noticed that every single student in the class was staring right at me with their eyes unblinking. “No,” I exclaimed meekly, “It's not me!” 

Professor Reese: “Denounce your privilege Bryan!” 

She continued to stare right at me, and I stared back into her eyes, in shock. I didn’t know what to do or say. I began to slightly notice that she was way closer to me than she was before, her face appeared to keep getting closer to my face, I still couldn’t break my gaze from her deep-set dark eyes. I felt something touch my body which broke my gaze. What I didn’t notice during my trance is that all the students in the room moved closer to me and now all had their hands on me, grabbing me firmly. I tried to move but their grips were too tight, I was completely restrained. The professor was right in front of me, practically on top of me, and I swear her feet weren’t touching the ground. She spoke, her voice was abnormally deep. 

Professor Reese: “Denounce your white, male, Christian privilege” 

“What do you want from me!?” 

Professor Reese: “Feel the guilt! Feel the guilt for things you’ve never even done, bathe in it! Let it eat you up inside! You choose not to dwell on the past, and focus only on what’s wrong with your society, but you choose to do the worst thing of all…. You choose to be in the present moment, and live your life without the guilt of existing! You choose not to suffer along with everyone else. Which makes you…. Privileged!” 

“No! I renounce my privilege, I swear!” 

    That is the last thing I remember, after that everything just went black. And I don’t mean that in a racist way! I woke up in the hospital with my mother sitting in the guest chair next to my bed. They said it was a seizure, Professor Reese and the class claimed that I stood up with a horrified expression on my face and proceeded to seize on the floor until I went unconscious. Obviously, they called the paramedics, and I was transported to the hospital. I know it’s all bullshit, I know what truly happened. I had a revelation that day. I am a privileged bigoted man, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.