A Recipe for Anarchy: A Recluses’ Guide to Sewing Discontent

In my time as a practitioner of dark magic, roughly two hundred years give or take, I have come to several conclusions. The first is that I decidedly do not like people. I have been chased from village to Village by people who view my practices as profane and perverse to the natural order of things. It’s beyond fine to stand in a town square and chant in a dead language for some puffed up god of spring or some other twaddle, but spirits forbid that a young boy should peer through my window and catch me painting sigils with deer blood to protect my home. Apparently, parents in this age are not very big on teaching their little goblins the value of privacy. Alas too many homes in flames and desperate sprints through the forests have left this, now very much in shape, wizard desiring a permanent home. Which leads me to my next conclusion. I will never move again. My current place of residence is a lovely little hovel I have set up for myself in a cave a decent distance from the edge of the forest. I will not mention which forest as I may still be alive at the time of you reading this helpful tome, and I do not have a high tolerance for neighbors as you’re about to find out.

 I have been in my residence for nigh on fifty years now and without fail every ten years or so a new settlement will sprout up and start to throw off the order of things here. The game and lumber are quite abundant, which is the main reason I settled here as it is also abundant with the natural energy of the spirits making it ideal for my research and development. Sadly, the pompous fool who wore the crown and his subsequently more pompous heirs continue to desire this land so they may harvest the lumber and game to conquer other lands and do the same there. Honestly, you’d think after the last five villages devolved into hysteria, murder, and in one instance mass possession, when the spirits were feeling particularly active, that they would finally believe the land is permanently cursed and write it off as a loss. Yet they continue in the name of progress and attempt to violate this land for their crowned jackass and more importantly disturb my home.

What I present to you with my aspiring dark wizards is a means, a recipe if you will, for ridding invasive villagers from your territory in such a way that will minimize use of magic and take full advantage of the weakness of the human mind. Now you may be tempted to say, “but honorable dark one we are wizards why not simply bathe their village in blackened flames or summon spirits to chase them from their homes?” to which I would reply whoa there Aleister Crowley let’s not jump to summoning hell beasts just yet! First, our power is derived from our relationship with the spirits of nature, the more we use that relationship the more strained it becomes. Sometimes it is better to use it sparingly to be able to continue our practices unimpeded. In fact, the more we do to preserve our spiritually enhanced environments without the use of the spirits themselves the more appreciative they are. They see it as a form of worship and thus reward us with greater power. Second, we cannot depend on magic for everything. The spirits are fickle. One day you are in favor and the next they could completely abandon you on a whim. One must be able to solve problems with minimal dependence on magic should the day come the spirits decide you aren’t worth their time. Third, it can become quite the enjoyable hobby getting a village to turn on itself and you will find a sense of pride in the machinations you put in place and watching them unfold according to the master plan you’ve devised. Now with all that out of the way let’s get brewing!

For this recipe you shall require: One unsuspecting village full of idiots and livestock, a good relationship with the spirits in your area, a decent grasp of basic magic, and finally some creativity!

Step one: Make your observations. Proper actions cannot be taken without first knowing what the proper actions are! You need to find out who is who in the village, what are their relationships, who in their wretched pantheon of gods do they worship, how often do traders pass through. All of these are key details that will influence how you set this town on the path to destruction. How you collect these details is up to you but be aware if you skulk about the town in dirty black robes and a pointed hat, they may get some inclination as to your background and intentions which may quickly lead to you being tied to a burning steak wondering why you didn’t heed the warnings of a certain handsome master dark wizard. Heed it now, get some clean presentable clothes in your wardrobe, comb the leaves from your hair, and appear as inconspicuous as possible. Now villages will still be weary of outsiders so it would be wise to have a reason for being there. My go to method is to fill a pack with skins, several bottles of fermented brew, and some herbs and approach as a good-natured trader simply trying to get by. People tend to go for it most times, but the devils are in the details so make it believable. Remember it is a lot easier to pre-plan your back story than it is to improvise on the spot, but no plan is ever airtight so be ready to improvise should the need be. After years of honing my acting skills, I am quite sure if the spirits ever completely abandoned me that I could survive as a stage performer with incredible ease. My secret desires for fame as a thespian aside, all you need is good observational skills, some nice clothes, and decent acting and you can have the whole town spilling its guts in no time flat. For those of you who are hopeless at interacting with people in any given situation I may recommend preparing for some skullduggery. Start practicing sneaking about, eavesdropping, and some good old-fashioned wizard breaking and entering. Magic may help if you take the sneaking option but use It sparingly. You truly want to save it for when you need it.

Step two: Plant the seeds. Once you have obtained all the relevant information from your investigation that you need it is time to start laying the foundation for your schemes. You’ve already decided what your end goal is in ridding yourself of the village, but now you must decide how you are going to make that happen. Just as there are many ways to skin a cat (see my other tome 101 ways to skin cats and other small animals) there are many ways to get a village to implode on itself. Fear is one of the most reliable methods and one I use quite often. Scared people can do scary things and once the people are frightened enough, they tend to do much of the job themselves! Now using fear is an art form in and of itself. You can’t simply swath deer’s blood on everyone’s doors or leave a gutted deer carcass in the town square. It’s scary yes, but without anyone to attach it to they’ll just be scared without anything to direct that fear towards. No, the real trick is directing their fear. Spatter blood on everyone’s doors save for a few people. Make them wonder why these people weren’t marked. Have your crows and ravens you’ve befriended roost on one villagers’ home in abundance. Flay one man’s sheep and post the skin to the wall of the village chieftain. Get creative but have people directing their suspicious gazes at as many neighbors as possible.

Step three: Now that you have the town in a panic it’s time to fan the flames. If you’ve infiltrated the village begin to spread rumors about seeing particular people gathering together and acting strangely. Spread rumors about a curse on the land and how the evil in the area is corrupting them one by one. Use those acting skills and sew paranoia and doubt at every turn.

Step four: Remove any obstacles. Once the mistrust in the village starts to rise and people begin to lash out you may find that some people try to rise to the occasion and restore order! It’s up to you to extinguish these embers of hope by any means necessary. However, this can be done strategically. The uncreative might be inclined to snuff them out and be done with it, but this person being very visible may make that challenging. in one of my more noteworthy experiences I once swapped a man’s bread for some that had been contaminated with ergot causing him to experience heavy hallucinations and act erratically. I then drew attention to the bread and subsequently the baker of the bread and farmer of the grain. That was all it took. The village now having lost three pillars of the community turned on each other and it was in flames by the end of the week. Meanwhile I was watching from the edge of the woods nestled on a rock with a particularly pleasant, fermented brew. Whatever obstacles you may face remove them but do so in a way that benefits you and speeds up the process.

Step five: Ensure no one attempts to resettle for a good while. People aren’t very smart, and they may be tempted to settle again if you don’t act. Before anyone comes to investigate plaster sigils on every surface possible, deface temples, leave forged journal entries describing the land as cursed and that all who attempt to settle there will perish in a horrifying manor. It won’t work forever, but the better you sell it may delay the fools from attempting to try again so soon.

Step six (optional): Now you may be thinking the work is done for now but with a little bit of effort you can extend your reprieve from pestering bumpkins by spreading rumors of curses upon your land. I suggest doing this at roadside inns and taverns as rumors spread from them as easily as a plague. Do this whenever possible and you will enjoy peace and quiet for an added several years before the next head strong nobleman thinks the rumors of curses are nothing but ramblings from country peasants. But now you are equipped with a simple recipe of fear, mistrust, and a little subversion that will have them eating each other alive!