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Isaac and I have been best friends for like, fuck… it’s been ages, probably like fifteen years now I reckon. Well, we were - Isaac stopped speaking to me months ago so I don’t know how legit the term “best friends” is anymore, but he’ll always be mine.

My best mate ever… but I fucked it all up.

We met when we were like seven, I’d just moved to Dunedin from Christchurch and I remember feeling so scared man; It was my first day at my new school and I'd been buddied up with some random little shit that ditched me on the slide at lunchtime - he ended up being super lame anyway so like, thank fuck for that - but at the time I was like, freeeaaaking out so I ran into the sandpit and just had a wee cry, hahaha. But man, there were already some other kids in there building a sandcastle together and they hooned off ‘cause they got weirded out by me and I felt soooo dumb bro, like it was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

Then I heard this wee voice. I couldn’t make out what it said 'cause I was like hyperventilating by that point haha - but I wiped my snot on my sleeve, looked up, and it was Isaac, man.

He was sitting across from me in the sandpit digging out this massive hole with his hands.

“You can cry into here if you want,” he said, and he was still digging away while he looked at me with this totally unfazed expression, “we could make a big lake with your tears, if you want to cry more.”

I thought he was ripping me out so I was just like “that won’t even work, stupid… and anyway I’m NOT crying, crying is for babies,” or something and Isaac just shrugged and kept digging. 

“I thought you were crying but maybe you’re just sweaty on your face. Oh well, I’ll go get my drink bottle instead.” He ran off.

I wasn’t sure if he would come back but I had nothing else to do so I kept digging out the hole for him. It had gotten fucking huge - like in my memory at least haha, I don’t know if it actually was - but anyway, as I was digging I forgot about the sandcastle and I knocked it into the hole; just like, destroying all of Isaac’s work.

I instantly lost it all over again, I just started digging really fast and hyperventilating like a complete freak man, like I’d only just met this kid so I was real scared he was gonna come back and be totally pissed; but he wasn’t at all man, not at all.

Bro, that’s the thing about Isaac man, he’s so fucking chill, he just does not give two fucks about anything and it’s sick. Well… I mean, he was chill… I dunno, maybe he isn't anymore.

Uh, anyway - Isaac comes back, he looks down at the sandpit for a second with like no expression on his face, and just says “holy moly” - and we both just CRACKED UP.

It was honestly the funniest thing I’d ever heard man, like I know it’s not as funny now but at the time it was fucking hilarious and we were rolling around in the sandpit absolutely pissing ourselves for ages. Hahahaha, aww… it was so good bro.

So, yeah, that’s how we became friends. Isaac has always been insanely funny, man, like you have no idea. He’s just soooo quick and he says the most out of it shit, like, I just cannot comprehend how he comes up with it man, he’s unreal.

The only thing that sucks, though, is that Isaac has also always been suuuper super quiet. He just has a real gentle wee voice that's hard to hear unless you’re right next to him and like, actually trying to listen, y’know? So nobody besides me ever got to know him that well, and it’s so shithouse man ‘cause he’s literally the coolest guy ever, but nobody gave him a fucking chance.

After meeting Isaac, I settled into school pretty fast - sure, I was scared at first because I was new - but I’ve always been quite comfortable and loud around people.

I think because I was so outgoing though, I didn’t really notice how quiet Isaac was - like it was just a normal thing that he was always with me and didn’t talk to anyone else, y’know? Like that’s just how things were.

We always sat next to each other in class and Isaac would constantly crack jokes and make funny as fuck comments on everything so the whole time we’d just be laughing together like absolute animals, it was so keen.

Everything he said was funny, but when Isaac made an absolute banger, I couldn't help myself from doing that fucking thing where you like, repeat the joke while you're laughing cause it's so good, y'know what I mean?

Well like, one time we were doing math and the teacher read out one of those stupid word problems; it was something like “last year Courtney used to be three-foot-8. She's grown another 7 inches since then. How tall is she now?”

And straightaway Isaac goes “she’s not tall - she’s a bloody hobbit.”

It was absolutely CLASSIC.

But of course I was the only one who heard him, so when I lost my shit and repeated it again, “SHE’S NOT TALL - SHE’S A BLOODY HOBBIT! Hahahahaha!!!” everyone thought that I had come up with the joke. And that just kept happening, all the time.

There was one point when we were like 12 or so where it was just so bad, man. We were learning about New Zealand history or some shit and the teacher’s like, “what nationwide event happened in 1853?” and I blurted out “I dunno man, I wasn’t invited!” which was Isaac’s joke obviously, but as usual everyone thought it was mine. 

The whole class just errupted, but there was this one girl, Renee, who Isaac had a MASSIVE crush on, and she laughed HEAPS, man. Even after the joke had died down she kept looking over at me and smiling - I started feeling kinda sick.

Then, at break time, she dropped a wee note on my desk that said "I like you."

I didn't know what the fuck to do. Isaac saw it but he just left the room and never mentioned it again, it was horrible.

That was the day I first realized that I always got credit for Isaac’s jokes, and that nobody knew he was actually the funny one because they just thought it was all me. I had never set anybody straight. I don’t know why… it just never seemed important, I guess.

But… fuck, this is so gross of me… afterwards, even though I knew I was being a massive dickhead and basically just stealing Isaac’s jokes, I didn’t stop doing it. I know it’s real low and selfish and shit, but I had built up this cool reputation for being funny and I didn’t wanna lose it. I figured, y’know, Isaac had never complained or anything so it couldn’t really be that big a deal.

But it did hurt him, obviously. I could see that. I saw the look on his face after he read Renee’s note - he was crushed, bro. But we just never talked about it again. It was like, things had been this way for so long, we didn't think they could change.

But they did.

It was a few months ago; I was having a typical Saturday night in with the boys, getting pissed and talking shit and all that. There was me, Isaac, Cameron, Sean and Jesse all there and we were WASTED - especially Cam, man, he was completely out of it.

Me and Isaac were slumped on the couch feeling keen on a cone so we all had a couple cheeky ones.

Everyone started to mellow out, not really talking as much. Cam was lying on the floor wearing this New Zealand flag we'd nicked from somewhere once; he had it all wrapped around him like a toga and he just looked like such a mess, bro, he’s such a lad.

I thought he had passed out, but suddenly he sat up real fast and just CHUNDERED all down his front. It was rank as FUCK; so fucking funny. We all lost it; we were absolutely beside ourselves while Cam just sat there looking real surprised and nauseous, too drunk to sort himself out.

Just as our initial laughter died down, Isaac muttered something under his breath that started me back up all over again.

“New Zealand… more like SPEW Zealand!!!”

Everybody started PISSING themselves; tears were streaming down Jesse’s face, Sean was on the floor literally rolling around with laughter, it was just SO FUNNY.

Once everyone could breathe again, the boys all started just like, gushing with excitement.

“Fuck, bro. You are literally the funniest cunt I have ever met, that was fucking CLASSIC.”

“Yeah oh my god man, I thought I was gonna die for a second, hahahahaha.”

“That was like a living meme, bro! That was unreal.”

Jesse’s eyes suddenly got all wide and bright.

“That’s IT man, oh my god… I can’t believe we never thought of this before. WE GOTTA MAKE THIS A MEME! This is top tier shit!!!”

I laughed and agreed, pulling out my phone to get a good shot of Cameron. After making the post, I leaned back into the couch and turned to show Isaac - but he wasn’t sitting there anymore.

“Did Isaac go to bed?” I asked. Sean laughed.

“Hahaha, bro, if you didn’t hear him say anything, there’s no way in hell we did.”

I chuckled softly; then yawned. It had been a big night full of antics and I was tired, so I said goodnight to the boys and headed upstairs to bed. 

As I passed Issac’s room I noticed his light was still on, so I popped my head in to say goodnight.

“I’m gonna crash now man, seeya tomorr-OH, what the fuck? Mate, what’s going on?”

Isaac was stuffing all his clothes and books and shit into a big gym bag real fast like he had to flee the country or something, it was fucking weird. He didn’t even turn around when I spoke to him, he just kept going.

I walked over and put my arm round his shoulder. “Isaac, what’s up buddy? Has something happened?” 

He shrugged my arm off and finally turned to face me.

“I can’t do this anymore man; I can’t exist solely for your benefit, it’s driving me insane. I feel like whenever we’re around people you become this fucking one-man show and I’m just some invisible guy trapped in the wings feeding you EVERYTHING.

I don’t even feel like a person most of the time; I’m just this weird, messed up extension of your brain in a human shell that everyone ignores except you, because you need me.

And I know it's partly my fault because I never said anything about it; I just kept pumping out jokes and accepted that you had this like, exclusive ownership of my intellectual property. And I thought it was a fair trade cause I got your friendship in return, but what kind of friendship is that, man? How could you take so much from me?

Because it’s not like I’m dropping a bomb here, am I? I know you know all this. You've been robbing me blind for years and never, never have you even ONCE given me credit for ANYTHING. I mean, Jesus, man, don’t you ever feel guilty? Did you ever even think about how much you were fucking up my life?”

He was right; he wasn’t dropping a bomb because, yeah… I did know all this. But I still felt like I had been hit right in the chest with some big, catastrophic thing. I couldn’t breathe, man. I just stood there and stared at him while my mind raced around trying to think of how to fix this shit, trying to think of a decent reason for why I’d done this, an excuse, a magic word, anything, anything to break the silence. But I was just pulling blanks, bro.

Isaac sighed and turned back to his packing, shaking his head. “Fuck’s sake, man, you need me to think of a witty reply for you?” He zipped up the bag and flung it over his shoulder as he made his way to the door. “Oh, alright then, one last one for the road. How about you say ‘jeez Isaac, you’re totally exaggerating. I haven’t taken EVERYTHING - you still have the shirt on your back!’ and I’ll say ‘oh, true true, bro. I best get the fuck outta here before you rip that off, too.’” 

He slammed the door behind him and stomped off down the hall, down the stairs, out of the house… out of my life. It was the most noise I think he’s ever made.

It took me a while to register that he’d gone. I’d collapsed on his bed; still paralyzed from the confrontation and still too drunk and stoned to think clearly. It didn’t seem real - we’d never had a fight before, not even a little one.

I rolled onto my side and came face to face with Babbins, Isaac’s old teddy that he used to bring everywhere until his second year of high school.

Suddenly I snapped out of the daze I was in. Isaac would never leave Babbins behind - he was gonna be totally shattered when he realized he forgot to bring her.

I grabbed lil’ Babbins and hooned outta the house. I figured Isaac would be trekking up to his parent’s place, so I headed along the main strip of town, hopefully not too far behind him.

The boys and I had peaked pretty early tonight, I realized. It was only about one AM so town was still popping off and it was bloody full on.

I needed to press pause for a second and catch my breath, so I lit up a smoke and looked around at the mayhem. There were pissed as freshers everywhere; fighting, crying, making out, and oh, BRO! - Sitting on some steps in the background was a wee dude with a sad little face and a massive gym bag. 

I pushed through the crowd and flung myself before him, grinning hopefully as I presented Babbins in my outstretched hand. “Bro, you left your two best mates behind!”

I put on a high pitched voice for Babbins so she could join in - “Don’t go Isaac, we love you!”

He snatched her out of my hands, glaring at me. “Look, dude, just piss off. I don’t want to know you anymore, just leave me the fuck alone.”

My heart broke - nah, it combusted. This couldn’t be for real. “Mate, please, I know I’ve been a fucking shitty friend and I don’t deserve you but you’ve gotta give me another chance man, I can change! I’ll give you credit for EVERYTHING bro, I promise. I’ll do whatever you want man, whatever it takes. I love you Isaac.”

He was about to reply when a load of freshers stumbled up to us. “OMG it’s you!!! You’re the guy who made SPEW Zealand! You’re so funny man, we looovvvveee you!” 

The meme - it had spread like wildfire. The street was alive with the sound of people chanting “SPEW Zealand, SPEW Zealand” while someone threw up and there were dudes everywhere with it printed on their t-shirts; it was absolute bloody chaos. My phone started going off like mad - I had like, over a million new followers and I was being proclaimed as a national bloody ICON. It was fucking out of it, man.

I looked at Isaac in disbelief, but he didn’t meet my gaze. He was looking down at Babbins, shaking his head. 

“Alright bro… enjoy your totally fucking unearned fifteen minutes. And don’t stress, you don’t need me to stay under the spotlight - all you gotta do is find someone else with severe anxiety and take credit for all their achievements instead.

Or hey, why not take it a step further and just say YOU were the first man on the moon? Or maybe you could claim to be the second-coming!

Well, it’s up to you, man. I’m sure you’ll figure it out - you have more than enough experience, after all.”

He stood up, lifting his bag strap over his shoulder. I clung to his leg in desperation, begging him to stay. He looked down on me with exhaustion, and reflected in his eyes, I saw myself - a pathetic little leech, draining him for all his worth.

After a fair bit of struggle, he finally managed to shake me off and carry on his way, but he’d only taken like, three steps before he turned around again. My heart skipped a beat.

“Here - something to remember me by.”

It was Babbins. I held her in disbelief; surely, surely he would come back for her in a few days, and everything would go back to normal. 

But nah… as I watched my oldest, dearest mate disappear into the night, I realized this was really it.

Somehow it felt like the first time we met, after I’d fucked up all his work in the sandpit, but before we became friends. This time though, I knew he wouldn’t be coming back with a joke and fifteen years of self-sacrifice, no way.

Nah... this time he was taking back his own autonomy, and even though I had no idea how I would survive without him, I was proud of Isaac for cutting me off.

He was gonna become everything he couldn’t be with me. 

Me and Babbins waved goodbye. Isaac never looked back, though.