LALA'S LADDOO

The invitation card that I received lay before my eyes. My eyes got stationed at RSVP. On 21st January, my friend was to organize a big party to celebrate the achievement of his son, who won a foreign scholarship.

The date of the event was approaching fast. There was a big question mark. Should I or should I not send my confirmation. There was no reason to give a false excuse and decline this particular invitation because Ram was one of my closest friends in town.

 I knew having declined several invitations in recent times because of that single unpleasant instance that had occupied my mind. It was two years ago when I faced an embarrassing social situation. I never shared with anyone, but I developed a persistent fear of being watched and judged by others since!

That evening left me so insecure that I originated Anthropophobia. I shunned people. I avoided mingling. It affected me gravely that gradually I started keeping to myself.

The new year had just dawned. Nothing had changed in me. I remain the same person – timid, unconfident, and withdrawn. And, this invitation arrived.

I was amid this severe anxiety and have not worked out a suitable treatment plan. The thoughts kept reverberated my mind: “Why is it that some can win the heart of people in the first instance only? How is it they speak so effortlessly in public? What makes them so successful in striking a conversation? All these and many more thoughts swept by when I relooked at the invitation card. 

How I wished I could be popular with the masses!

Is it the knowledge they possess that makes them so popular? If it were so, then my mother would have got a zero! Is it the height and the white complexion people have that gives them an extra edge? If it was so then my elder brother could have got ten upon ten. Is it their attire alone that makes them stand tall in a party?

The inner voice replied, “to get the answer to all these questions, the first thing is to move out of your comfort zone and try.” It said,” if you are looking for a way to challenge yourself, go and develop social skills. And to attain that, parties are a gold mine.

I agreed with the voice that said so and sent my acceptance to the invitation.

Incidentally, when this thought crossed my mind, I noticed I was in my formal attire. It wasn’t intentional. It just happened so. Having experienced an inner failure several times in the past, I had a complete belief that I would never be able to shake off my nervousness and attend a party. But somehow, this moment gave me confidence. 

I set a target date to come out of my comfort zone and finally started practicing some inner work beginning 13th January. It is an auspicious day in the Hindu Calendar.

As the event drew closer, so was my heartbeat deviating from its smooth rhythm.

But, this year, I had an immense craving to eat one Laddoo. This Laddoo is not an Indian sweet. This word denotes a happy connotation and is synonymous with success and celebrations we cherish to relish – I call it my happiness Laddoo.

In line with this concept, I listed a mammoth plan to shake off the stubborn dust, remove the cobwebs of anxiety that kept me entangled for years - eventually to come out victorious and eat this Laddoo.

If the microscale confidence was because of the dress - then let that be the starting point! And, hence, I carved a dress-focus agenda. And, armed with this thought, I added this unique dimension to my personality.

I set out to power dress myself!  

That day, I woke up in the morning and shuffled through my wardrobe. I read somewhere that black is the color of most successful men. I opted to choose one from my black collection. I finalized on black trousers and a black shirt with Steve Job’s signature polo neck.

 I added a white feather to my feet. By feather, I didn’t mean in a literal sense an avian feather. I wore white footwear. It was perhaps to match with a white handkerchief that peeped out of the chest pocket of my shirt.

My city doesn’t get too cold or else I’d wear a white sweater and probably white socks. The white socks would’ve been quite a cheer to wear! Boy! It’d be a Zebra - perfection personified! 

As a Levers’ loyalist, I gave a Dove shampoo to my hair and rubbed in a dollop of the conditioner of the same brand to promise a good shine. Then - came the drying part of my fine silky strands. I had them twirl in a Bombay dyeing towel because using a hairdryer would tear these off their roots.

With attire set to perfection - at least I believed so - I went on with a decorator’s tool and some adornment spree as a supplement in the shape of a wristwatch, cufflinks, and some perfume to radiate fragrance.

Finally, I affixed a perfectly crafted vibhuti of the Lord in the end - right in the center of my brows. Sitting in front of deities in my home temple, I lighted agarbatti, chanted shlokas, and finished with Guru Aarti. With Prasad to conclude the ritual, I quickly mushed in one Laddoo the size of a golf ball into my mouth.

That was perhaps to promise some luck. 

Viewing into the mirror and seeing me turned pious and perfection personified for the day, a subtle delight was evident as if I have already become a star at the party!

Such was my confidence that I thought whoever I meet and whatever I converse after these rituals would conquer hearts.

I asked for a cab fearing my two-wheeler might not spoil my clothes. and lo! I headed towards the party destination.

I almost stumbled at the sight of the main gate.

I prayed to Almighty for a success Laddoo! My mission started.

I tried hard to synchronize swimming towards the current of those veteran conversationalists enjoy the flow of, and I risked my neck doing some whacky vaults with vocabulary. Soon, I was deep into the word maze. No, I didn’t try to appear artificial. What I meant was I started to mouth some syllables syncing with the conversation.

Gradually, I forgot what I aimed to achieve. And, I turned my usual self.

Was I inching towards what seemed to be perfect? I forgot to care the least...

Oh, how I wished I could talk something that gave me a badge of a star performer there! 

My adrenalin rush was gushing high in capillaries. With constant mind-war, I lightly patted my head because this is the only part in the human-machine to possess the requisites of confidence bringing tools, and it’s through it that all great stories were ever etched. 

My lips opened to speak. Soon I was soaked into elocution-sedation and deep talking- coma. What I did was not a pre-thought, but it felt good - like a clear start and definite end to my conversation.

I looked at my attire and felt perked up. It had dollops of X-factor incorporated.

My inner voice guided: “Keep it going. Never mind if, for some reason, it didn’t come to fruition in the past. Go as you tread.” 

It was suggestive of something that I looked forward to, and the music my monosyllables and one-liners played sent me into no self-doubt.

I was happy I came out of my comfort zone. I was convinced that I accepted and respected what my inner voice said. But I didn’t know how far I fared.

Reaching back home, I thought of writing a thank you note to the host. 

Dear Ram, 

Thank you for giving me a chance to be part of your gracious gathering. It was a very kind gesture to keep inviting people like me - to allow them to take a plunge despite the fact they feel they are a mere fry.

I do hope I was not an embarrassment as a guest at your elite party. I humbly submit I felt like a heel to be amongst your esteemed guests.

I was not confident - for reasons known to me. I apologize. 

Today I want to be honest. I want to be open about my anxiety. I often feel I am not fit to attend such gatherings. It was an honor for me, but after every such party, I survive a feeling as someone has chopped off our liver!

 Thank you for respecting my existence and celebrating our friendship with your cordial invitation. What a cheer it brought! I request you to identify yourself in my position and imagine what glow it must have brought in. 

Once again, I thank you for bearing with me as you know I am not gregarious, talkative, and confident. All that I did besides writing to you and all that I didn’t share in this piece was a cumulative load of genuine effort. 

At the moment, I am on a low pang. I gathered the courage to attend your party that was full of awesomeness. I sincerely wished to eat happiness Laddoo at least once in my life. I am happy at least, I tried. 

 Will I or will I not? You, my gracious host, will decide. 

Regards,

Lala

Pat came with the reply: Hey, friend! What is wrong? 

Thanks for being such a charmer last evening.

 Your simplicity won many hearts. Since you met everyone for the first time, I wish I could convey their sentiments to you. The world has humans but being humane is the word that gains the brownie points! Your kind gestures, simplicity, and kindness were the talk among my circle of friends. They all send you wishes and look forward to meeting you again.

Take away: It is time to ward off all notions of what others think of you. It is all in our minds. We need to shake off. We should stay to be true. That is the key to success - for this alone is kosher and priceless.