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Funny Drama Romance

                                                    September 21, 2015

Martin Schuler read the letter. He then re-read the letter. Miriam waited patiently as the new dean of mathematics stared at the words on the paper.

Schuler tossed the letter on his desk and toward Miriam.

“What does this drivel mean?”

Miriam picked up the letter and read it. A smile flitted across her face.

                                                      **************

My dear partner in education,

First, allow me the pleasure of welcoming you to the hallowed halls of the university. I am overjoyed, bucked up, chuffed, and ecstatic beyond measure to have such a distinguished person leading us into the educational fray, forging young minds, tempering the intemperate, bending the unbendable, and, in short, shoring up the cracks that weaken our society. I am but a mere foot soldier, looking to the general – that is you – to show us the way, to light our lamps when darkness threatens, to beat out the bed bugs when we sleep, to sound the alarm when an alarm needs sounding. Welcome, dear comrade!

As regards your latest email to me, I appeal to your higher nature. The parking spot reserved for the dean of mathematics is yours and yours alone, I grant, but I sense that you are man of vision and foresight. You are that rare person who sees that we are comrades in arms, brothers in the trenches, watching out for each other with vim and vigor. What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine. I believe that your greatness of spirit will not rail against such trivialities as a parking spot. Rather, you will see it as community property among us band of mathematical brothers, and, as such, will forego any claim to a piece of asphalt that may or may not be assigned to you. We are twined at the soul. I sense that you see this as well.

In the spirit of brotherhood and camaraderie, I invite you to partake of my bounty of comestibles at a time that is convenient to you. I will share what I have, even to starvation, to feed my brother. Today, I have tinned sardines and a rather nice kombucha, chilled in my mini-fridge. Please, come and break bread with me, let us rejoice in our shared mission, complete with hearty backslaps and rude humor. We are of the same mind, oh captain, my captain. Lead on!

Yours in education,

Professor Reginald Haversham

P.S. – Bring some mustard, if you have any. I seem to have run out.

P.P.S. – Also, some crackers.

                                                   **************

“Well?”

Miriam set the letter on the desk and gazed at Professor Schuler with a mixture of pity and regret. The man wasn’t prepared for Professor Haversham. Not even close.

“He’s making an overture of friendship,” Miriam said, sitting down. She knew that more was to come. It always did.

“Really? I can’t make heads or tails of it.”

“Clear as day, sir. He offers camaraderie.”

“By stealing my parking space?” Schuler was close to yelling. Miriam feared that his blood pressure was also reaching dangerous levels.

“Yes. Get the attention of the person you wish to befriend, and then offer him or her something desirable. He offered lunch and companionship.”

“Sardines! Blech!”

“And kombucha.”

Schuler eyed Miriam with some disfavor. She was teetering on the edge of being cheeky.

“You may go now,” Schuler said, the tautness in his voice evident to anyone withing a five-mile radius.

Miriam left, returning to her desk and opening up her novel. She was halfway through a modern bodice-ripper, and she wanted to savor the ripping off of the bodice, wondering idly if her dear Reginald was proficient at such a thing.

                                                       **************

                                                       November 19, 2015

My dear partner in education,

I am overjoyed at your concern for my teaching methods. The true visionary sees all, knows all, appreciates all. My faith in your abilities has reached new and dizzying heights. Yes, we must always question pedagogy, yes, we must delve into the intricacies and mysteries of knowledge conveyance, yes, we must – I say must! – search our inner hearts with assiduity in these matters.

As you stagger forth through your day, you will find disagreements in teaching aplenty. Do not despair, my friend! As you so rightly state, my methods are unique, and are ripe for the Sharp Discourse on Methods. True, you didn’t use those particular words, but the sentiment was clear. I am a pioneer of teaching! A paragon of the Lucid Insight and the Sharp Intuition.

You have cheered me, mon ami. The dark November days are as bright as the chariot of Helios, lighting my journey through the murky depths of education. I salute you, my beacon, my comrade, my stalwart protector!

Yours in education,

Professor Reginald Haversham

P.S. – May I prevail on you to procure a new chair for my office? An army may march on its stomach, but an educator marches on his posterior. So to speak.

                                                      **************

Schuler tossed the missive at Miriam. His sullen aspect and beet-red face attested to his displeasure. Miriam wondered if he had seen a doctor about his health. He had a gray pallor about him lately, and his face was now drawn and lined.

“Translate,” he muttered.

Miriam read the short letter and sighed. This wasn’t going to go down well with the dean.

“I believe that he’s telling you that his methods are his methods and that he will not deviate from them.”

Schuler nodded gloomily.

“You put it delicately, and I commend you for it. Am I to assume, then, that he’s telling me to fuck off?” Schuler’s voice was tinged with a smoldering anger.

“Ah, sir, I wouldn’t say – “

“No, no. You wouldn’t. But you have made his intent clear.”

“If you say so, sir.”

“Tell me, how can I get him out of here?”

Miriam blanched at the thought. Her dear Reginald, cast from the university? It was not to be borne.

“Well, he has tenure,” Miriam said, brightening.

“Damn!”

“As you say, sir. May I go back to work?”

Schuler waved her away and continued to busy himself this morning with pouting.

Miriam returned to reading Lust in the Moonlight, a novel that was in that gray area between boddice ripper and straight-up erotica. She had just got to the part where Lucy was in the arms of Roderick, and clothes were being removed with a rapidity that made her feel faint. She was sure that Reginald could do it better, and proceeded to spend the rest of the morning daydreaming of moonlight and professorial naughtiness.

                                                        **************

                                                        February 17, 2016

My esteemed brother,

My spirit soars and my soul swells at your words. It is indeed true that all my students pass all my classes – and all with A’s, no less! What a tribute to your guidance and inspiration. Hark! The call goes out. What magic is this? They all want to know. Myriad young minds bolstered for the future, secure in their newfound knowledge and grateful to a university that understands their needs.

The slings and arrows of the many headed who do not understand how such a thing can be is a fate that you must suffer. The aged heads of the university want to know why I have not been bridled in my ambitions. Impossible, they say, and you fight back with the armor of justice and courage. Not everyone can pass, much less make A’s, they say. The cry goes out. Will no one rid us of this troublesome professor? You rebut them with the Sharp Word and the Irrefutable Fact. I stand by your side, sir, sword at the ready. We shall not be overcome by our so-called superiors.

I say to you, warrior and comrade, not to give in, though it has cost you your position. Deliver the Stout Stance. Do not be swayed by threats. Gird your loins and prepare for battle, I say! Yours is a spirit that is not to be diminished, no matter the circumstances. Pooh to your job, you say. The Purity of Teaching is not to be sullied. My admiration for your beliefs knows no bounds.

Should you need a letter of recommendation for another position, look no further. I will gladly state all your sterling qualities, my friend. The letter will glow, it will sparkle with Truth and Wit. Indeed, it may even catch fire because of its heat and brilliance! Allow me a day or two to mourn the loss of your position and I will attack the letter of recommendation with fervor. You will be employed again in a flash, leading a new group of professors to unheard of heights.

Yours in education,

Professor Reginald Haversham

P.S. – any word yet about that new chair I requested?

P.P.S. – would you like a parting kombucha?

                                                    **************

                                                    May 19, 2016

The ex-dean was packed and ready to go. He was unhappy, and not mollified by the fact that the university went through mathematics deans at about the same rate that babies go through diapers. He blamed it all on Professor Haversham, though, in truth, he should have blamed the administration of the university. A tenured professor cannot be curbed, yet they insisted on it being done.

“Good-bye, sir, and good luck,” Miriam said, sticking out a hand. Schuler gave it a perfunctory shake. Miriam returned to her desk to finish up her latest read, Hot Nights in the Castle, detailing the lives, loves, and intimacies of the staff of Lord Emory in the late nineteenth century.

Schuler had been quickly forgotten in lieu of the amorous advances of the third footman toward an upstairs maid.

                                                     **************

                                                      May 20, 2016

Reginald,

I have admired you for these thirty years, and I feel that the time has come to reveal the depth of my feelings for you. It would not be too much to say that you are inked indelibly in my heart, and that I would consider it a great honor to be your partner in life. It may seem forward, but I am asking for your hand in marriage.

Yours truly, with love and affection,

Miriam Jones

                                                     **************

                                                     May 20, 2016

My dear Miriam,

Raise the bunting and publish the banns? Your declaration has fired the smoldering embers of the desire for companionship, confirmed bachelor though I am. I must admit, however, to being quite happy with my books and the many solitary leisures that I enjoy in my abode. The cataclysm of marriage thunders under my feet. Is it a benign giant or a terrible catastrophe? That, my dear, is the Poignant Question.

In short, I am not a proponent of such an archaic, synthetic institution. I liken it to wax fruit and French pastries: pretty on the outside but full of nothing. I, sadly, must follow the courage of my convictions and decline your tender, beautiful offer. I trust that we may still be comrades in the hallowed halls, and that you will look upon me kindly as we stagger through the days of our lives.

Your friend and not-to-be husband,

Reginald

                                                         **************

                                                          May 20, 2016

Dear Reginald,

Fair enough. Perhaps we can procure a common abode and grab what torrid pleasures there are to be found in a shared bed. I am loathe to employ the term “low hanging fruit,” but at our age, I think it is an apt description of what we have to offer each other. You will find me a not unwilling partner in the intimate arts, despite my lack of experience in such matters.

Yours affectionately,

Miriam

P.S. – how is your heart health?

P.P.S. – should I purchase a bodice?

                                                        **************

                                                        May 20, 2016

Dearest Miriam,

Good oh!

Yours truly, the new roomie,

Reginald

P.S. – my heart beats with soothing regularity. Why do you ask?

P.P.S. – what is a bodice?

August 23, 2023 13:00

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42 comments

Chris Campbell
09:10 Sep 08, 2023

Funny funny funny, Delbert. Hilarious piece. "I liken it to wax fruit and French pastries: pretty on the outside but full of nothing." My sentiment about marriage, exactly! Made me laugh out loud. Well done! I enjoyed the language of the letters. Reminded me a bit of the character "Wags" in the tv series, "Billions." Great voices, mate!

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Delbert Griffith
10:17 Sep 08, 2023

Thanks so much, Chris, for the kind words and for reading my twisted little tale of tenure and tenacity. You know, I wanted to write a humor piece, just to see if I could. I approached it through the characters and their quirks. Using Reginald as a slightly dithery professor with an outdated vocabulary seemed quirky enough. I'm quite pleased that the master of humor found my story funny. You, my friend, inspire me to write more humorous pieces. Again, thank you, Chris. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on my stuff. Cheers!

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Chris Campbell
16:57 Sep 08, 2023

Very kind words, mate. I like to think that we all learn off each other. You certainly have a master of English in your writing.

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Ela Mikh
19:53 Sep 07, 2023

OMG, this was such a good laugh, I needed it today - thank you. More so, I think I'm working with Professor Haversham! It's a rare ability to be able to BS in style the way he does. As always, your characters just jump off pages. I could almost smell the sardines Thank you

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Delbert Griffith
22:12 Sep 07, 2023

Wow, thanks so much, Ela, for the kind words. I'm especially happy that I gave you a good laugh. We all need it from time to time. Yeah, the professor is a character, and he shows the dangers of tenure-ship. Still, I'd love him if I had him as a professor - probably. He met his match in Miriam, though. LOL Again, thank you, my friend. Cheers!

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09:04 Sep 03, 2023

This was a truly enjoyable story. It had me chuckling throughout.

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Delbert Griffith
10:49 Sep 03, 2023

Thanks so much for the kind words, Catherine. It was a fun write, and it pleases me that you enjoyed it. Cheers!

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06:55 Sep 03, 2023

Youve really taken a pretentious narrator character all the way with Professor Reginald Haversham. I was amused how he always had something mundane to ask for after his flowery praise of the dean. Being the boss of unfirable tenured professors sounds like a challenge! At least miriam wins at the end, and she knows what shes buying.

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Delbert Griffith
10:47 Sep 03, 2023

Thanks for reading and liking my twisted little tale, Scott. A completely different style for me, I admit, but it was fun to play around with. Yeah, Reginald, being tenured, is safe from the slings and arrows of performance reviews and the like. He's undeniably odd. As a student, I'd love him. As a colleague, I'd be able to take him in small doses. As a boss, I'd be tearing my hair out at his antics. Miriam will be his Achilles' Heel. Her bodice-ripping sensibilities is something the good professor isn't prepared for, and I doubt he'll kno...

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Kateresa .
22:45 Sep 02, 2023

This was funny! Interesting characters for a super fun read. Thank you for sharing!

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Delbert Griffith
23:47 Sep 02, 2023

Thanks so much, Kat, for the kind words, and for taking the time to read my little tale. I'm pleased that you liked it. Cheers!

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AnneMarie Miles
15:10 Sep 02, 2023

What entertaining characters you've managed to present through these comedic letters! To me, Schuler represents the common man, while Reginald, the wild hair of society, those exotic, larger than life characters we run into every so often that make life interesting, even if a little difficult. It could have been fun just to hear from those two throughout, but of course, you are too creative and ingenious for that. Adding Miriam's role elevated this piece! I really adored her role and secret longing for Reginald. This is one of my favorite st...

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Delbert Griffith
15:32 Sep 02, 2023

Wow, thank you so much, AnneMarie, for the praise and for reading my twisted little tale of tenure and femme-fatale-like underlings. Yes, Schuler is the everyman, the sober voice of staid values and societal harmony. Reginald represents the dark side of tenure, and he is indeed the wild hair in a groomed society. Miriam was put in as a shot at the patriarchal establishment in math departments. She'll be able to do to Reginald what all the others couldn't: bring him to his knees, so to speak. Thanks again, AnneMarie, for making my morning w...

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Helen A Smith
09:24 Sep 01, 2023

An interplay of letters revealing a great deal about the comings and goings in the distinguished/not so distinguished echelons of academia. I particularly loved the character of Miriam with her fascination for “bodice rippers” and her indifference to Schuler and her passion for Reginald Haversham. She’s clearly a woman who knows how to go about getting what she wants. Lots of enjoyment and literary highs. I like your descriptions of food too.

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Delbert Griffith
10:12 Sep 01, 2023

Thanks so much, Helen, for the kind words, and for reading my little tale of romance and subversion. I believe Miriam, with her bodice-ripping sensibilities, will be more than a match for Reginald. He won't know what hit him! LOL Again, thank you, my friend, for the commentary. Cheers!

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Tamarin Butcher
10:43 Aug 31, 2023

This was fantastic! I loved every moment of it. I work at a university, and I can confirm that the tenured get away with anything. Thanks for the great read!

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Delbert Griffith
11:53 Aug 31, 2023

Thanks so much, Tamarin, for the kind words and the commentary. I appreciate the time you took to read my little tale. I was taking shots at the patriarchal attitudes in university math departments, especially when it comes to tenure. In the top 10 math departments in American universities, 303 men are tenured and 4 are women. I thought I'd have a little fun with this. Miriam and her bodice-ripping sensibilities might be able to do what a bevy of deans couldn't do - drive Reginald away. Anyway, it was a fun write, and I think Reginald has ...

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Keelan LaForge
22:09 Aug 30, 2023

I love your unique interpretation of the prompt, Delbert. It’s amazing how many moments of literary excellence you manage to pack into a short story! The change of pace and form was perfect and kept me quickly reading. Your story surprised me and that’s rare. I found my eyes rushing towards the end 😊 Best of luck with your story this week. Thanks, Keelan

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Delbert Griffith
23:37 Aug 30, 2023

Wow, thanks so much, Keelan. I appreciate the praise from such an excellent author as you. I'm pleased that the tale had a surprise or two for you. I think Reginald has met his match - finally - and he has no idea what a bodice is! LOL I imagine Miriam can accomplish what a bevy of math deans couldn't. Again, thanks so much for the kind words and the commentary. I'm well chuffed! Cheers!

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Amanda Lieser
00:10 Aug 30, 2023

Hey Delbert, Oh what a fantastic take on the prompt. There’s so much to unpack here. The letters were a delight and the “translation” all the better. I adored these characters and their growth-however slow and painful. I also appreciated the shift in the piece. My favorite sign off: Your friend and not-to-be husband. Nice work on this one!!

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Delbert Griffith
00:19 Aug 30, 2023

Thanks so much, Amanda. Really, you are too kind in reading my stories. Good old Reginald is no match for deans and administrators, but I fear that Miriam, longing for some bodice-ripping, might be his undoing. What so many others couldn't accomplish might be accomplished by her. Or - maybe it'll be a match made in romantic-literature heaven. Either way, he's met his match in Miriam. I don't know whether I envy him or feel sorry for him! LOL Again, thank you, my friend. Always. Cheers!

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Tom Skye
23:09 Aug 29, 2023

I love stuff that rips into the absurdities of academic life. Very 'Lucky Jim'. Great job Delbert. Brilliantly and hilariously written

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Delbert Griffith
23:53 Aug 29, 2023

Thanks so much, Tom. I wasn't thinking of 'Lucky Jim,' but I see what you mean. Well spotted, my friend. You have a nice eye for this sort of thing. I really appreciate the kind words, Tom. Truly. Cheers!

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Tom Skye
00:02 Aug 30, 2023

No probs. I don't think you were stylistically influenced by Lucky Jim, but it had that same effect of kindly lampooning the eccentrics in academia. Again, great job

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Wendy M
16:38 Aug 29, 2023

Fabulously funny and an absolute bodice ripper, disguised of course amidst the lofty tones of professorial verbiage. Love it.

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Delbert Griffith
18:50 Aug 29, 2023

Thanks so much, Wendy, for the kind words and the commentary. We must have our wacky relationships, and we like them all the more when one side is simply outmatched by the other. LOL Cheers!

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Susan Catucci
13:37 Aug 29, 2023

I love this tale, as you know, Del - a human comedy through and though. These characters are so richly realized, makes it all the more hysterically clever. The pen is, indeed, mightier than the sword and nothing proves that point better than the world of Academia. (Though the legal community may give the mad professor a run for his money.) And, of course, the pen is one of your best and brightest gifts, Del, along with a good heart and the patience of Job. Mariam and her low-hanging fruit is a true hoot. Nice to see her spin her ...

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Delbert Griffith
13:50 Aug 29, 2023

Thanks so much, my good friend, for the kind words and the commentary. I always look forward to what you have to say upon reflection after you have beta'd my little tales. I agree that the professor and the secretary are worth revisiting. What I like about them is that they have such completely different sensibilities, yet there is an attraction there. Miriam is in love with the idea of a torrid love affair and Reginald is in his own little world, completely divorced from reality. The idea of these two getting together is at once frightenin...

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Michelle Oliver
14:15 Aug 28, 2023

So much fun in this story. I love the way the professor out wits his superior by deliberately befuddling him with language the dean can’t interpret. Everything sounds sweet, but the barbs and jabs are in there covered in sugar and false flattery. The budding relationship at the end is priceless. I bet our professor has met his match. Maybe Miss Jones might be the reason he quits. All the deans couldn’t make the man move, but I bet Miss Jones will have him running scared in no time at all. Haha love it. Well done, such wit and masterful exe...

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Delbert Griffith
14:32 Aug 28, 2023

Thanks so much, Michelle, for the wonderful analysis and the kind words. You really nailed the one thing I had "hidden" in the tale. Yeah, gotta love a professor who uses honeyed words veiled with barbs. I love this guy! I want to take his class as well. I bet he's a hoot! Miriam was intended as just what you state: the Achilles' Heel of the good professor. He's tenured, but that will mean little when Miriam and her bodice-ripping sensibilities are unleashed on him. The man may find himself giving up his cushy position and be glad to do it...

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Marty B
01:09 Aug 28, 2023

Professor Haversham seems to be more of a Liberal Arts professor, English lit, by his writing style, versus a Math professor- but either way he has a way with a pen! Conquering Deans left and right , not to mention a budding relationship with a Dean's assistant! I would love to take his class! An army may march on its stomach, but an educator marches on his posterior. So to speak.

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Delbert Griffith
10:31 Aug 28, 2023

Thanks so much, Marty, for the analysis. You're right - he does sound like some sort of head-in-the-clouds Lit major. He's w-quite a character, yes? Lives in his own world, despite evidence that the real world is far different. Again, thank you, my friend. Cheers!

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Nina H
12:07 Aug 27, 2023

Love how the personalities and relationships develop through the letters here! Miriam knows what she wants!! Those spicy books she reads reveal a side of her Schuler had no idea about, and Reginald is about to find out!! 😜

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Delbert Griffith
12:34 Aug 27, 2023

Thanks for the kind words, Nina, and for reading and commenting on my tale of love (or lust) and the foibles of relationships. LOL I almost feel sorry for Reginald. The poor man knows how to mess with his boss, but now he's about to find out who the real boss is! LOL Again, thank you, my friend. I appreciate your comments and insights. Cheers!

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Katy B
22:27 Aug 25, 2023

I laughed out loud - what an unexpected little romance! Thanks for sharing.

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Delbert Griffith
23:47 Aug 25, 2023

Thanks so much, Katy. I truly appreciate the kind words, my friend. Cheers!

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Ty Warmbrodt
12:53 Aug 24, 2023

Another great story Delbert!

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Delbert Griffith
13:05 Aug 24, 2023

Thanks so much, Ty, for the kind words. I appreciate you reading my twisted little tale. Cheers!

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Michał Przywara
20:37 Aug 23, 2023

Heh :) A neat take on the prompt, with the interpreter. We get a good idea of the action and the backstory, all through the letters and reactions to them. They make it quite clear the world here is bigger than these short office meetings, and a lot of drama is implied. It's funny, too. That final PPS - excellent :) A twist right at the end. Given his wordiness, she assumed he'd know, and now that they've tied the not-knot - well, it could go either way. Either he's not who she thought he was, or he's about to learn a thing or two about bo...

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Delbert Griffith
21:44 Aug 23, 2023

Thanks so much, Michal, for the praise, and certainly for the insights. I really wanted the professor to be a little dithery, a little demented (in a good way, of course), and a little naive. Miriam will show him a thing or two about bodice ripping, I'm sure. How he deals with it is another tale to be told. Again, thank you, my friend. I always appreciate you commenting on my little tales. Cheers!

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Mary Bendickson
17:40 Aug 23, 2023

Devious delivery 😏

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Delbert Griffith
17:53 Aug 23, 2023

Thanks so much, Mary. It was fun to write. Cheers!

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