Star Light

Content warning: adult content

Star Light

Was I really watching a man walk out of the sea towards me? Or was I finally going mad?

The soft shushing of the waves as they moved through the shingle was background to my tangled thoughts – thoughts, ideas and visions. It felt as though my brain was going to explode. I struggled to hold on, afraid to let go. What would happen if I did let go? I giggled as the cartoon picture of a brain exploding flashed behind my eyes.

           The night was dark yet bright. The sky black and lit with countless stars.  Why did the romantics talk of millions of stars?  How could they know? Had anyone counted them? The new moon was clear and sharp and high. Where was the man in the moon? Who was he looking at when turned away from us? The sea was soft and dark, tiny wavelets tipped with starlight headed toward my spot on the shore, reaching for me but never quite making it. What was I doing here, all alone? What impulse had drawn me to this quiet beach on a dark summer’s night? Who was the man who was walking out of the ocean? I only knew this was where I needed to be at this time.

I don’t know how long I had been sitting there demanding answers from the universe to questions I didn’t know to ask but I realised I had been watching a glow deep in the ocean growing closer and brighter. A sense of excitement and anticipation held me still. Then, out of the glow walked a man.

           My life was good, I had a job I enjoyed and excelled at, family I loved and good friends I could trust, but there was always something missing, always had been and I thought always would be. I looked for love but it always fell short. My job fulfilled my ambition, my friends meant I need never be alone but something was always that little bit out of reach. As a child I was different or so my parents told me, I dreamt vividly and talked of strangers in my room, I knew things I couldn’t explain. I’d been treated by doctors, psychiatrists and counsellors galore until I learned to keep my mouth shut and gradually the dreams stopped coming and the strangers stopped visiting and I became “normal”. I developed a quiet interest in all things paranormal trying to explain myself but nothing clicked. As I grew older (and brainier) I began to study Astronomy, the stars became my friends, I knew them and recognised them in the night sky. I listened for their songs. I dreamt of travelling out into the cosmos but becoming an astronaut was beyond me so I studied from Earth and continued to dream. So here I was on a star laden, soft sandy beach, a moon smiling down on me and I was alone but not lonely as I had my stars and my dreams and a dark handsome man walking towards me, the waves parting before him. 

           Why wasn’t I on my feet and running for my life? Why did I have the sense that this was what I’ve been waiting for all my life?

           ‘James Bond, I suppose.’ I quipped as he walked up the shore. He was dressed in plain trousers and jumper, nothing out of the ordinary except – ‘Why aren’t you wet?’ I asked. Again, why wasn’t I freaking out? Why did all this seem natural, almost pre-ordained, familiar. The stars gave just enough light to see his smile and it warmed my heart. He ran his finger down my cheek as he sat down beside me. ‘Who are you? Where have you come from?’ Finally my brain began to work. ‘I know you. You visited me a long time ago. You came in the night.’

           ‘You know me. I’ve been waiting for you to call me and now you have.’ His voice – how to describe his voice? Suffice it to say it resonated through me, touching all the empty spaces. I knew that voice. As ridiculous as this was, I knew everything was OK.

           So he held me in the moonlight and it was like coming home. ‘You will never be alone again,’ he whispered as he gently made love to me. The shingle became the softest mattress, the sounds of the sea the most romantic music, the slight breeze filled the air with perfume.

           As we came together, I needed, I wanted. I reached for him. There were no more words, clothes disappeared and the mutual dance began. What was two became one in every sense of the word. Lightning flashed across the skies and in my heart. The world exploded around us and for one glorious moment I was one with the stars, this I felt on a molecular level, I heard the stars sing and felt their light fill me. Then I was whole again, but more, more than myself, he was part of me and I was part of him. I was just – more.

           I drifted slowly back on to the sandy beach with a sense of contentment but sorrow. I didn’t want to leave the stars but I now knew them. My body was sated and fulfilled but my mind wanted answers, questions were clammering to be asked but I didn’t want to spoil this perfect moment. If only I could switch off my brain and just enjoy. He turned me into his arms and we held tight knowing time was precious. We watched the stars and we talked. He told me of his world – straight on to Alpha Centauri and turn left. I told him how there had always been something missing and he told me how he had felt the same but now we were whole. He told me how he would leave but try to return, I told him I would wait for him but we both knew this was a moment out of time. Could I go with him? Could he stay? Questions we never asked, knowing it was impossible. 

           We watched the stars blink out, one by one, and the sky lighten in the east. I closed my eyes, I could not watch him walk away but I knew I would never be alone again. I was where I should be, everything was in its place. My empty places were filled, I would always have a piece of my man from the stars, I knew I would forever walk with one foot on the earth and one foot amongst the stars.