These Crooked Times

"Remember that I'm giving you 500 quid for the privilege of staying in that pig sty the social welfare pays for you!" I shout over some 80s music playing on the laptop.

"Well, shove it up your arse then, your five hundred freckin' quid", Tanja says.

"You are totally right on this one, better up my arse then with you", I say back.

Tanja nods my way.

"Good, we found something to agree on." Tanja, like always, lies stretched out on her couch. She stares towards the wall at her feet. There is a psychodelic poster, all purple, metallic, orange. I have my back leaning on the wall next to the blazing fireplace. It is the only free spot to sit.

I light another cigarette. I try and watch the smoke curl up to the ceiling. The spider webs look like clouds of smoke turned solid. They are heavy with oily dust. I prefer the ceiling to looking at Tanja's ugly face or the floor. There isn't much floor to be seen anyway. All covered in furniture from free cycle, piled with stuff from the charity shops. In the corner of my eyes I see a little shadow zipping past.

"I'm off to bed then," I say and throw the butt into the fire.

"Suit yourself", Tanja shrugs her shoulders.

The bedroom is the exact size of the wardrobe I had at my parent's place. Three quarters of the stuff in there is Tanja's. I'm out: for sure, for good, for real, first thing in the morning. If I'm stuck for money, I can call my sister. She has a rich husband. They like me. They'll give me something for a deposit. I can call them now. Wait, no the phone shows 3 am, which might mean that it is either 2 or 4 or 3, any of those is possible. I never got my head around this daylight saving arrangement.

I'm too exhausted, and drunk, to burst into tears.

I discover that my fingers have grown a lot thicker since the last time I set my clock. I set it every morning and evening. I love my alarm clock, I got it on Etsy when I still worked there. It has a thin gold rim with dot and line ornament, the face is off white with black roman numbering. "Slava 11 Jewels. Made in USSR". My alarm clock is a historic object. I love the sound it makes when I wind it, when the wheels click within each others. I love it's quiet steady ticking. It's ring in the morning has been an annoyance to Tanja, so I like the ring, too.

I smile at the clock, pet it and whisper: "I'm going to find us a new home, tomorrow I will".

I had been very grateful to Tanja at first, when she offered me to stay at her place after the Dan disaster late in October, when the clocks had been put back for winter. A week had quickly turned into a month and now it has been half a year.

Three days before, he had been on a business trip abroad, Dan had urged me to meet him that particular, it was very important, he had stressed. At the time, I had thought that this meant something very good, I was sure of it. On the other hand, a quiet voice whispered, it could be something very, very bad. We had agreed that I move in with him the next month. So, I had cancelled my beloved bedsit in Rathmines, the first and only home that I didn't have to share.

I had messed up the time change and was two hours late. I met him at the usual cafe near Grafton Street, where we'd sit outside, rain or shine. I smiled in apology. He didn't smile back. "I am sorry, I always get this time shift wrong. What is so important that had to be said to day at noon sharp?" I asked.

"Past Tense", he said, "it was important. But it isn't anymore."

"What happened, darling?"

"What happened? You are asking me what happened" He paused.

"Don't call me darling. I tell you what happened. I was in New York on this business trip. I went to Tiffany's and I bought a ring. It cost a bloody fortune, I can tell you that. I wanted to give the ring to you today. But you let me wait, not for half an hour, no, two hours, two full hours of my life I was waiting for you, with that ring in my bag. And these are not the only two hours in my life I have been waiting for you. I had plenty of time to think things over, thank you for that!"

"But Daniel", I beseached him. "Daniel. Oh no!"

"Don't call me Daniel!"

The bystanders had something to look at and shake their heads about.

He was silent and looked at me. My mouth tried to form words but they didn't materialise.

"What?" He said. "Is that your explanation? "Oh no" and facial goulash don't reveal an awful lot of meaning, do they? That's fine, because your explanations never have had an awful lot of meaning."

I bawled.

The next day, in work, my boss called me into a meeting room downstairs. The same room I had my job interview five and a half months before.

"Let's make this short", she said. "There isn't much point in going over the improvement plan, you know yourself that your figures have only marginally improved. So, the decision is yours: You can stay here and work until the month is over, or you can leave now. You'll still get paid, don't worry about that."

I bawled.

I went home, into my bedsit, where everything had been packed for the move to Dan's. I asked the landlady if I could revoke and stay, my plans had changed. She said she considered this proposal if I was prepared to pay a 30 percent rent increase, that's what she could get from the new tenant.

I bawled.

I told Tanja, who was happy to help. Tanja was a good friend. Thanks to her I didn't have to find myself a box room in a house full of strangers somewhere in the suburbs.

I had some job interviews and bawled.

When I finally got a job, in a call center, with a 30% wage cut, I bawled even more.

The alarm clock rung. Tanja didn't scream "I'm going to through that fucking thing out of the window and you right behind", as she usually did.

I opened my eyes. It was surprisingly easy. I wasn't hung over. I got up from the bed and didn't fall over anything. I opened the blind. There was a sunny autumn day beyond the window. I turned around and found myself in my bedsit. There was the kitchen with the two plate stove and the sink. There was the little Ikea table that served as dinner table and desk. There was the little armchair and my Laura Ashley bed linen. There was my sister's wedding picture on the shelf. I checked the clock: 8 am. I am always happy when I wake up early on a Sunday.

What a beautiful dream I thought. What a beautiful dream. Nothing happened. The room didn't vanish or transform. I pinched myself it hurt. I went to the bathroom. It was there, as if the last half year had never happened. I turned the shower on and got wet.

I checked the phone. It said 8 am. There were two messages. "Hey horny, hows ya man doing?" That was from Tanja. "See you tomorrow then, beauty queen. It is very important that you meet me at noon sharp. Love Dan X."

I had to accept that the last half year had never happened.

I relished the joys of single living, got washed and dressed, poked around and went my way at 10 am. I run into the Landlady.

"Such a pity you are going to leave. You are the perfect tenant. Don't you want to think about it?"

"We'll see how it goes", I said. "Don't get your hopes too high!" I winked.

"Oh, that young man, I see! Is he back from his business trip?"

I went through Rathmines, over the Canal, past Wheelans and ended up at the place. I had a mocca and a croissant. I was trying to read "Interview with a Vampire", but I decided to look at the passersby and the weather instead.

Dan came. He flashed his teeth.

"How is little beauty queen?"

"How is little handsome?" He didn't like jokes about his size.

"Look, there is something important I have to ask you." The waiter came. We ordered.

Our nearest patron asked for a lighter.

"Lovely piece", he said to Dan.

"It's an antique, nineteen twenties." Dan answered. "Got it at an auction down at Adam's."

"We go there, too", the patron's wife interjected. "Just the other day, we got some art at the big house sale. Something for our living room. Maybe you were there too."

"I was in New York last week, business trip."

And on it went. I wasn't excited, after all I knew that Dan was going to propose to me.

But twenty minutes into the conversation, when he started naming all of the restaurants he visited there, I got pissed off. My lips hurt from the frozen smile I had displayed along with my nodding. I picked up the book, hid my face behind it and relaxed my mouth.

Our order came, the conversation went on.

The couple were very impressed and left after an hour.

I had gotten another Mocca.

"What was it you ordered me here for," I ventured.

"Darling, I didn't order you. I invited you", he tapped the tip of my nose with his index finger.

"Look, I brought you something from New York, got it at Tiffany's, cost a hell of a lot of mucho dinero, I can tell you that."

He reached into the pocket of his tweet coat and produced a little blue box. He laid it next to his coffee cup,leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. His eyes narrowed and he kept displaying his teeth.

"Oh," I said.

"Is that all you can say? "Oh""

"Well, you brought a blue box."

His smile shrunk a little. He leaned over to me and looked into my eyes.

"Do you want to be my wife?"

"Hell no," I jumped up in surprise. I managed to grab the coffee cup in time.

"You don't seem to understand, darling", he said. "I am proposing to you here. Would you like to be my wife?"

I looked back into his eyes.

"No, the answer is no, I don't want to be your wife. I am awfully sorry to say it so bluntly. But I didn't like the way you took one hour, a whole hour, to show off to these people, complete strangers. And it's not the first time you do that. I didn't like the way we have been hanging out together for one and a half year. Last weekend you introduced me to your parents. They quizzed me about what marks I got in school, the people I hang out with, the composers I know, the books I read, my parent's job, my wage. And then one week later you are proposing to me. So, while I feel a little flattered to have past the test, I do not approve of you requiring their approval."

Dan stared at me open mouthed.

So did some of the other patrons.

"You know darling, I don't want to be obtrusive or play hard to get. It's just that I really don't think that the two of us go together all that well. It is too much rags and riches. You're great but I just thought there, no, I thought, no, no, no. Not that I planned this to embaras you here in front of all the people."

His mouth tried to form words but they didn't materialise.

"Do you remember the last time you were proposing to me?"

His face wrinkled up.

"Could I have", the nearest patron started saying.

"If you want a lighter, 50 meters up that way is a tobacconist. If you want sugar and salt, just take it from our table. Please do not interrupt us."

"Imagine this, Dan. Imagine I had let you wait here today for two hours. Imagine I had messed up with the time change. How would you have felt, if I had been two hours late for our rendezvous?"

We were sitting there for a long time.

In the evening, I knocked at the landlady's door.

"I changed my mind, I am going to stay here after all!" I declared.

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"He brought a box from Tiffany's and we had a very long talk."