The Train Station
You rush to make it to the 8:00 train, suitcase in hand. A scene that you've lived through many times before. Just as the conductor yells "All aboard!" You scamper onto the traincar steps and make it to your seat, sighing in relief. You check to make sure you have everything. You find your wallet safe in your pocket. You feel your keys jingle as you take your hand out of your pocket. Your suitcase is sitting next to you, and you have your ticket in your hand. You lean back and relax in your seat as the train doors begin to close. Your eyes begin to look outwards at the train station, the red brick that makes up its structure slowly moving behind you as the train begins to pick up steam. You watch people check their watch, run for their train, heave their luggage. It seems as if everybody is in a rush nowadays. Always going from one place to the next without stopping. You stop watching the other people and begin nodding off as the train exits the station. You begin drifting off to sleep, your body feeling the effects of the lack of sleep the night prior. You just hope that this trip will give you a nice break from your normal day to day. You stare out past the valleys and rivers that litter this area. You begin to think of them. They would have loved this view. You reach into your back pocket to take out their picture. "Oh shit." You say to yourself as you're jolted awake by your shock. Your rummage through your pockets desperately, hoping to find the photo at the bottom of your pockets. As you stand up to empty out your pockets, you're on the receiving end of the confused and annoyed stares of the other passengers on the train as you rummage through your pockets frantically. After turning your pockets inside out. You find nothing and slump back into your seat, disappointed. You look back out to the scenery past the train tracks. The train is about to enter a long tunnel. In preparation, you see one of the ticket collectors flip on the traincar lights. The train enters the darkened tunnel and suddenly, you hear the train seem to hit something on the tracks, causing the lights to flicker for just a second. You think nothing of it and continue to look out the window of the train. The tunnel continues to stretch on the same dark scenery. All the sounds of the world fade out as you slowly nod off in your seat.
As you groggily open your eyes, you see that the train is still going through the tunnel. How long were you out for? You check your watch and see that it is 2:36 AM, it's been hours since you departed from the station and the train is still in the tunnel? You're confused by this, but you soon dismiss these feelings, thinking that perhaps while you were asleep, the train exited the tunnel, or tunnels and is currently passing through another one now. No tunnel could be that long. You take a look around the traincar and notice something incredibly strange. You are the only one in the traincar. No other passengers, no employees. There isn't even any luggage where the other passengers once were. Your thoughts of confusion come back, even stronger than before. Your mind desperately trying to rationalize what could have happened. "Ah!" You say to yourself. You must have been asleep when the train reached your destination and nobody woke you up. No matter, you'll just go and talk to the conductor.
You get up out of your seat and begin to walk down the hallway. The orange glow of the traincar's lights illuminating your path towards the conductor's car. As you walk slowly through the first traincar, you begin to grow weary and tired. Maybe some fresh air will wake you up. You stumble towards the traincar door and turn the handle. You feel a sudden strong breeze come through the open door as the train continues along its path. You grab the railing quickly, to catch your balance. You start to look at the walls of the tunnel, only illuminated for a second from the large light on the front of the train. Looking at brick after brick of the tunnel puts you at ease for a bit, the peace of the tunnel being a welcome comfort compared to the electric energy of the train station. It feels safe, in an unknown, tranquil kind of way. You feel revitalized enough to continue walking to the conductor's car.
You open the door to the next traincar and begin to notice some odd things about this traincar. The wallpaper in this car is different than the one you were in, the seats seemed less sturdy and more raggedy, and the lights shone a white glow instead of the normal orange. You think that perhaps they salvaged this car from an old train that was being put out of commission, which would explain why everything seemed different. The atmosphere in this traincar seems ominous, as if something is looming over you, stuck to the roof of the traincar. Thinking these thoughts, you take a look at the top of the traincar. You turn your head slowly, cautious from the atmosphere of the traincar. You see nothing on the roof of the traincar. Reassured by this, you breathe a sigh of relief which is soon interrupted by the sound of something dashing across the floor of the traincar. Your eyes widen in surprise. You begin to sweat, and try to calm yourself down. You're used to the constant noise of the train moving along the tracks. Aren't you supposed to be the only passenger on this train? "Perhaps it was just a rat." You think to yourself. You press on, more wary of this train and what could be waiting for you in the next traincars.
You twist the handle, opening the exit to the next traincar. the wind of the tunnel rushing through your hair. The next traincar felt older, more organic. You take your first step and hear a puddle splash. The bottom of the traincar is flooded. Some weeds grew in the cracks in the walls. This traincar definitely was not salvaged. It looked like it had sunk to the bottom of a lake. There was water dripping from multiple parts of the roof. The windows were cracked and the almost all the lights were off, save for one. The one light flickered a yellow, faint glow. As you slosh through the flooded traincar, you faintly hear some sort of noise from above you. It sounds like static. You notice the sound gets louder as you move closer to the luggage compartments. It begins to sound like a human voice. You stand on the seats with your waterlogged shoes to reach the luggage compartments. You open up the luggage door and you find a two way radio. Holding it in your hands, you find that the sound it's making is very quiet and garbled. You try messing with the knobs on the side to get a clearer signal. After some fiddling with the knobs, you hear something. "Hello?" "Is somebody on the other side?" The voice said. "This is the conductor, I'm trying to reach somebody, anybody on this frequency, please respond." "Hello?" You say back, confused to hear another person's voice, over radio, in a tunnel.
"Oh this is fantastic, I've been broadcasting for years on this frequency hoping somebody would hear me." The mysterious voice said. "Years? " You ask in panic. "Yup, years." "I'm the conductor of this here train, and I've been trying to get out of this damned tunnel." The reality of the situation dawns on you. You may never leave this tunnel. "There's gotta be a way out of the tunnel." You say in desperation. "There's been many people who have tried to escape this tunnel before us." The conductor says in a solemn tone. "Some poor fool tried to see if he could walk out the tunnel and jumped off the train." "Sometimes, you can still hear his footsteps in the gravel if things are very quiet." The thought of someone doomed to walk these dark tunnels forever sends chills down your spine. "Maybe, if you're lucky, you can make it up here, it's only one more traincar, and the train seems to like you, as it hasn't tried to kill you yet." You're creeped out by what the conductor is saying. Kill you? Yet? This guy must be off his rocker, but he's the only other person on this train and he's probably the only person who can get both of you out safely. "Alright." You say with a steely look in your eyes. "I'll come over to where you are now." "Attaboy, you've got guts!" He said, with a giddy tone in his voice. "Oh, and for the next train car, watch your step." He said in a serious tone, preparing you to be cautious for whatever dangers could lay beyond those two doors. You hitch the small, portable radio to your pants and turn the handle to the next car.
Huh? The handle won't budge. You try twisting harder, but the handle won't budge. You hear the sound of water flowing, loudly and you start t feel the water rising from your feet, to your ankle, and climbing higher by the second. You turn around to see that the roof is now leaking in water at an astronomical rate. You begin to panic and jiggle the handle frantically, hoping for it to give. Your options are running low as the water begins to rise past your shins and to the bottom of your knee, the water only seeming to climb faster and faster every second you're not out the door. You try to hit the glass on the traincar door with your hands. it doesn't budge. You pound away at the glass frantically, tears in your eyes, out of fear of a slow, watery, death.You notice the conduit powering the single flickering light in this room is loose. You could try to rip it out of the wall and use it to break the glass. You grab onto the conduit and pull with all your might, the water easily past your hips. It rips out of the wall, and without hesitation, you begin pummeling the glass. You notice it crack, but it's too strong for even the conduit to break. You're filled with feeling of hopelessness. The water is at your stomach. It won't be long now till you run out of breathing room. You turn your eyes to the window to see if you can catch one more glimpse of light before your own is snuffed out. You're suddenly hit with an amazing realization.
The windows. They were cracked from the beginning. With enough force, you could break the windows and try to climb on the outside of the train. You think to yourself: "Am I athletic enough to even climb on the outside?" You were faced with a tough decision; either drown in this traincar, or risk falling off the outside of the train and being doomed to walk the tunnel forever like the other poor soul. You decide to take a risk. You've got to get out of this tunnel. You dash over to the seemingly most damaged window and raise the conduit over your head and take your best swing. The glass shatters, causing the flooded water to be spilling out the higher it gets. You lose your balance and fall. Thankfully, you manage to catch yourself on one of the seat before being swept out into the tunnel by the water. Before the water rises again, you stuff the conduit in the back of your shirt, held there by your tight jacket, and climb onto the window frame, reaching for the bars on top of the train car. You manage to grab onto it standing on your tippy toes. As you can hear the water rushing in even faster now, you quickly pull yourself up onto the roof and lay there in relaxation. You take raggedy breaths, knowing you just escaped death. You feel the roof of the traincar and realize that it's dry as a bone. Where could the water be coming from? "Now's not the time to think about that." You say to yourself. "I've got to keep moving." You crawl on the roof of the train car, thinking perhaps I could just crawl over the roof of the next traincar and not have to deal with the next ordeal. As you get up into a crouching position, you get ready to jump the gap between the two cars. You get a running start and make the jump, landing perfectly on the roof opening to the train car.
You feel the hatch drop out from under you, causing you to fall into the traincar. As you scream, you try and grab onto the ledge, but your fingers slip and you fall to the floor of the traincar, landing on the conduit you stored in the back of your shirt. You wince in pain from the floor pushing the hard metal conduit into your back. You get up, a bit dizzy from the hard fall, but overall, better than drowning. When you look up at the room, you see a familiar setting. It's the traincar you boarded in the beginning. Its orange lights fill you with a sense of comfort and dread. Why did the conductor tell you to "Watch your step"? You begin walking towards the conductor's door, and you notice your feet sinking into the ground. You stop walking for a minute to see your feet have made imprints in the metal floor. As you're filled with fear. Suddenly, you hear the worst sounds of metal bending and warping as if it is being chewed by the massive teeth of a monster. The floor begins to fall apart and form holes. You begin to panic and search for high ground. The ground is falling fast and there is little floor left. You climb onto a seat and try jumping from seat to seat to the other side. You make a good few jumps, but eventually the seats fall through the floor. In a split-second decision, you jump and grab onto the top of the luggage compartments, and sidle your way across the traincar. Thinking you have outsmarted the train, you are met with a horrible realization that the walls are meeting the same fate as the floors and are being crushed and warped, urging you to move faster and reach the door before the traincar is completely destroyed. As you make it close to the door, the ledge you are holding onto has come loose. As you look down to see the train tracks rushing below you. You need to get to that door now. Suddenly, the conductor's door slams open, and the conductor reaches out at you and yells: "GRAB MY HAND!" Seeing no other choice, you push off the wall and extend your arm towards him. Your hands interlock and he loses his balance a bit, but manages to pull you up into the conductor's room. The heat of the boiler hits you immediately, as you get your footing back. You look back to see the traincar a skeleton of its former self, but still connected to the front car.
"Hey." The conductor says to you. "Nice job making it all the way here." "I didn't think you were gonna make it past the water car." "Thanks for having faith in me." You say back. "So now that you're here, I can try to explain what the hell is with this train." He says to you. He sits down, giving his muscular, middle-aged body a rest from shoveling fuel all day. "I believe this train is cursed by the spirits of the salvaged traincars they have used for this train." He says, completely serious. His words send chills down your spine. "The traincars are still filled with the souls of those who perished in the horrible accidents they were involved in." "They want to keep this train moving, so they can collect the souls of the passengers that die on this train." You're shocked to hear this. But one thought crosses your mind. "Say, how does the train arrive at the station then?" "Doesn't the tunnel stretch forever?" He looks at you and smiles after you say this. "Well, in all the time I've been a conductor, the train only goes back to the station when all the passengers have died." "You're the last one." You feel a jolt of fear run through your entire body. You turn you head to look at the boiler and see....
Human bones.
The conductor slowly gets up and stares at you with the most devilish eyes you've ever seen. You'd swear they were blood red. He grabs you by the neck and yells: "I WANT TO BE FREE OF THIS HORRID CURSE" and begins to try and stuff you in the boiler. You try to reach for the conduit you stuffed in the back of your shirt, and you grab it and bring it down on his skull. You hear a loud crack, and his grip loosens, allowing you to escape. You hit the monster once more, stunning him. You bring it down once more, bashing his head in. He's dead. Unable to bear looking at the body, you stuff it into the boiler, perhaps cleansing his body of his corruption. You see a light in front of you. It's the end of the tunnel. Relief flows through your body, followed by the realization you must now destroy this train so this curse will hurt no more.
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2 comments
Thank you for the privilege of allowing me to critique your writing. First of all, It's a brave under stalking to write a story using the second-person point of view. Not easy. I applaud your effort. I love horror, suspense, and thrillers. I enjoyed your story. May I make a gentle suggestion. I think it might flow better if you were more direct in some areas. For example, the use of the word, "seemingly," I say bite the bullet. Make it positive. "The damaged window." I enjoyed your dialogue. They are worthy of their own paragraphs. Make th...
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Thank you for your kind words and your critiques. I am sorry that it took so long for me to reply to you, and I believe you'll be glad to hear that I am continuing to write. I was looking back at my older stories to see how they held up, and I was very happy to see how well this one held up. Your advice is very helpful, as I am writing a new story with horror elements. Thank you again for taking the time to critique my work. I hope you're doing great.
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