The Easiest Option

Kallie picked up her phone, again.

Clicked on her messages, again.

Typed out something, again.

Stared. Stared. Stared.

Then she deleted it, again.

She wasn’t ready. Or maybe she was, but she couldn’t send the message. The same message she has typed out over and over again, “I really fuckin’ miss you.”

It has been a month since the breakup and nothing about it can be defined as easy. But not being together has somehow become the easiest option and Kallie needed any kind of easy for a change.

Tammi didn’t know how to survive. Everyday, she woke up and stared at the ceiling, the wall, out the window, and then at her silent phone. She was waiting for a message to vibrate any day, but it sucked to be waiting for something she knew was never coming.

After all her avid staring, she sat up in her bed, rising out of the mountain of pillows she suffocated herself with every night and she had to start the day, whether she wanted to or not.

She did some yoga, breathing exercises, a hot shower and a cold shower, then sat in her robe that was basically a blanket, and went back to staring out the window. Her phone remained silent, just as she had expected it to although she was always hoping.

Kallie got to work and started her own day, focused on her job. Helping guide the employees under her while trying to manage the expectations of those above her. She was on her feet all day and all she wanted was to be on her couch. But being on her couch also meant being alone with her thoughts so this wasn’t the worst alternative.

“Kallie, do you have the schedule ready yet?” Her supervisor, Michael, came up next to her.

“No, I will have it done after lunch.”

“Okay, I think there were some last-minute requests you might need to look over.”

She nodded and continued her work. She was good at work. She could focus at work. There was no need to be distracted and it was demanding enough that there wasn’t a chance to be distracted. She was thankful for that.

Tammi had the day off. She was sick from her vaccine she had gotten in the morning, so it didn’t really feel like a day off.

‘Watch something fun’ Her best friend, Gail, texted her.

So, she put on Haunting of Bly Manor, the horror show with the most loving lesbian couple ever to be portrayed on TV. Not exactly what the doctor would have ordered.

‘I don’t think this was the healthiest decision.’ Gail texted back after Tammi told her she was on episode 6 and hysterically crying for the third hour in a row.

‘I need this.’ She typed back.

‘No one NEEDS this.’

She needed Kallie. But there was no use. She wasn’t going to reach out again, she wasn’t going to beg for her back again. She was going to get thru this day in radio silence like she has every day over the past month.

But her notes were full of messages she never sent. Apologies she never shared. And confessions of love that she couldn’t bear to copy and paste. 

Kallie was home, back on the couch, numb on a high and engulfed by some stupid show she would forget about in a couple months. Her phone was in her room, she didn’t want anything to do with it. She didn’t want to keep scrolling thru her pictures, scrolling thru old messages, and scrolling thru social media.

Every night she cried and cried while doing all that scrolling.

‘But this is easier than being together. THIS is easier than apologizing and trying to fix everything.’ She told herself over and over again.

When she went to bed that night, instead of scrolling she took out all the letters Tammi had written her over the course of their relationship. 

Instead of scrolling, she read all those handwritten words.

Instead of scrolling, she read the same lines over and over again.

Each letter brought her back to the exact moment she read it the first time. Sometimes Tammi as there, sometimes she had found them sneakily tucked in her bag after leaving Tammis, and sometimes she would just save them for later so she could enjoy the moment.

And as each letter brought her back, her heart grew more and more tired of trying to be strong. It was exhausted.

Tammi laid in bed, the tears finally dried up but the heaviness in her chest still present. It didn’t seem like anything was going to help that.

She had some adult cartoon playing, wishing she could get drunk or high or high and drunk. Anything that would just numb her out for even an hour. Feeling this all the time was proving to be too much and she was tired.

Tired of trying to be strong.

Tired of waking up each day and trying to just survive it.

She was exhausted.

“Tammi, I just want to be alone.” Kallie had said in their last phone call. She was exasperated and desperate for the phone call to end. It was one in the morning and Tammi wouldn’t give up on the other end.

“But, but, we’re soulmates. We belong together.”

“Why can’t you just respect that I want to be alone?!” She didn’t want to yell at Tammi, she could picture her curled up in the bed trying to hold the tears back but failing to do so. She wanted to wrap Tammi up in her arms and tell her all was fine, but it wasn’t fine. It wouldn’t be fine. And she wanted it to end.

“You believed it too. You believed we were soulmates also. This? This hasn’t been us. We just fell apart—”

“Tammi, I want to get off the phone. We are too damaged.”

“But we can fix—”

“NO WE CAN’T. I just want to go to bed!” Kallie finally exploded. She had an early shift the next day and she was tired of dealing with this.

Tammi couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t hang up. She was so scared if she hung up she would never hear from Kallie again. That they would never find their way back. But she heard the desperation in Kallies voice. She knew she was wrong for keeping her on the phone but she didn’t know what else to do.

“I guess we really are too damaged.” Tammi choked out, trying to hide her sobs. But, Kallie would know. Kallie always knew when she’s crying.

“Please, Tammi, I am hanging up.” And Kallie hung up. And it hurt.

And Tammi laid there with the phone quiet. And it hurt. 

Tammi woke up, again. Stared, again. And braced herself for a day of survival, again.

Then she picked up her phone to check the time and saw it.

‘I really fuckin miss you.’